[ravenfire313]

Ok, I will try my best to explain myself without bogging you down with so much details. :P I do have a tendency to do that at times. :P Anyhow, I have been in a 1 relationship with a really sweet, caring, understanding guy named Shawn. Shawn is a lot younger than I, but he's so mature for his age. I read that people with aspergers relate to people that are older and that are the opposite sex. :P Everything was wonderful in the beginning, we talked mostly everyday and we also went on web cam. I fell for him right away. His personality is what did it for me. He always said the right things to me, always told me how beautiful I was, and always me smile. He had the up most respect for me. It's so hard to find a guy like that. Especially a guy that young, it took me by surprise.:p

I'll lead up to what's going on now. There is more but I'm going to to shorten this up a little bit. I forgot to mention that maybe 2 -3 months into the relationship he told me he had to aspergers. I didn't even know what that was. He told me little things, but not everything. Sometimes, he went a month or more without calling me, I got worried and upset. I didn't know what was going on or what to think at his point. He did this before Christmas, and I found out the reason why he didn't contact me. He said that he was thinking about the future and the age difference we have. He said, if I was to die before him it would tear him apart and he couldn't take it. I was stunned and didn't know what to think. I felt sickened by it and I couldn't understand why he would want do this. He said "Brenda" we can never be. I was really torn up and angry by this. It just didn't make sense to me, why he would he worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. No one really knows what the future brings.
Anyhow, I went weeks without talking with him, because of how he hurt me. During that time, I looked up info on aspergers, that would help me better see thing through the eyes of someone with has it. Anyhow, this made me better understand why he did what he did. The thought of him losing me scared him so much, that he just basically shut down and shut me out. I have read when someone with aspergers feels overwhelmed... because of too many emotions, that will happen. He did tell me when he feels he can't handle something he will shut himself out from the world.

We did end up talking on the comp, then eventually on the phone. I had to persuade him and make him feel more comfortable about talking to me. I told him we can still be friends. I also said, that I missed him and the way you would make me smile. I wanted him to feel comfortable enough to talk. Anyhow, the second day, I talked I told him how I really felt about what he did and I called him really nasty things. I basically, broke down and yelled at him a lot. It was really bad. Eventually we did work it out. But now, I feels he's doing the same thing. I haven't heard from him in more than a month now. I did write him and told him, I don't care what he has to say. I just want to talk with him because I miss him. I also said, it would be best to be friends because that's what he wants, and I feel its best for now. I have been through so much I think this id a good idea for the both of us. :) I think he does need counsiling because I feel the way he's thinking is very negative. I still would like to have a relationship with him. We love each other very much. I feel he is the love of my life. He's told me the same also. Any advice you have would be very much appreciated. Love, Brenda.

[talaniman]

I don't know, people with this form of autism are very difficult to deal with, and require a lot of patience, and understanding, as this may not be a typical type of relationship. (read frustrating)

I don't know how deep your knowledge is on this subject, but I highly suggest before you invest any more emotions into this, you investigate this subject deeply, and extensively, before you jump in. Even with understanding, its very difficult in real life to deal with his actions, that he may not get help for.

At least know exactly what your in for.

[hheath541]

People with aspergers tend to focus on one thing, and have a hard time letting go of it. In that regard, they're a lot like little kids or dogs. That's not to say they're immature or stupid. The fixation just tends to be strong, and very single-minded.

If he's fixated on the thought of losing you, then it'll take a lot of time and effort to get past that. You're going to have to decide if it's worth the effort, or if you'd rather just let things happen on his terms. If you do decide to press matters, know that losing your temper or pushing him too far beyond his comfort zone WILL cause him to shut down.

People with aspergers don't usually get angry. They may get irritated or mad, but before they get actually angry, they usually just STOP. They stop arguing. They stop talking. They just stop. They shut down. Keep that in mind when you're tempted to lose your temper or you have a disagreement.

Once they've gotten to the point where they've shut down, you have to draw them back out slowly and carefully. If you try to force them to talk to you, they'll only retreat further. The same goes with trying to make them do things too quickly.

Above all, it will take a LOT of patience and understanding on your part. It sounds like he's very high-functioning and has probably had occupational therapy to help him learn the symptoms of aspergers and how to overcome them. In that, you're lucky. It means that he'll be able to recognize what he's doing as a symptom of the disorder and even if he can't prevent the actions, he'll know they're irrational and will be more likely to try to reconcile.

Also, don't be surprised if you sometimes feel like you're dealing with a stubborn child. Just remember, he honestly cannot control many of his actions or responses. And NEVER treat him like a child or an idiot, it's just rude.

[ravenfire313]

Talaniman, I do know enough about it, that I do know what to expect now. In the beginning, I wasn't as knowledgeable, which made it quite difficult. I love him with all my heart and he is so worth it to me. Thanks for your great advice. :-)

[stbmrsd]

My son has Aspergers and he has no interest in relationships with girls but he is young still . I do hope one day he will meet someone who is patient and understanding and will fall in love all that happy stuff. How old is he? How old was he when he found out he had it? It's not common to find older men diagnosed with it at a young age since AS is fairly new to the world so he may never got the opportunity to get the theropy he so needy growing up but it's not to late.
Your guy was a smooth talker so is my little guy it's not that they really really feel it it's learned from TV watching other relationships . The mimic a lot of other people behavior since they are so darn smart they get that fitting in is how to get by .
My child loves who he loves and that's it he likes people but love is reserved for the ones he feels comfortable with .If you stick around show him friendship ,Understanding and take his lead you may find a wonderful man who is locked inside himself just waiting to burst out.. worst case you will have a friend and if that's the worse case I would take it ;)

[gavinswife]

I am married to a wonderful man who is seven years my junior. Your story sounds so familiar. In our courtship, I knew he was different but thought that those differences were absolutely wonderful and intriguing. After lots of research, I discovered that he has aspergers. He had never been officially diagnosed but had told me early in our relationship that he knew he was "wired differently." After showing him my research, he readily agreed that I seemed to be right in my conclusions but was not interested in knowing anything more about his condition or seeking counseling. I was at a time in my life when I felt I could handle the challenges of a marriage to this special man. I love him very much. But let me tell you: every day can be a challenge. As wonderful as my husband is, he is truly handicapped in a way that only the wife of an aspie can understand. First and foremost, there is loneliness unlike that I have ever experienced in my life. Even when he is in the room, he is not usually present. Communication is always a struggle and I have learned more patience than I ever thought possible. My emotions must be constantly suppressed because he simply doesn't understand them; they are not rational. I have learned to have NO expectations of him at all; in this way, I lessen the chances of being let down. This includes normal everyday things such as sympathy when I am sick, gifts during the holidays, understanding when I am upset. I still love him, I still find him intriguing. But would I marry him again... Marriage to a man with aspergers is forever one-sided. I know he loves me in his own way but that way will never be enough. My heart aches everyday for the connection, attention and understanding that I know will never come.