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heartbroken1410 · Mar 15, 2010, 04:12 AM

Hello,

I am married for about an year,its an aggarnged marriage and expecting our 1st child, my husband came to know that I had an affair before marriage for almost 2 years that too 2 years before our marriage, he was very upset to know this.

I even tried to tell him this before marriage but he refused saying that don't tell all this as it may cause problems in the future but some where I felt guilty so I tried to tell him after marriage also but couldn't tell him, now because of my mistake he came to know about it after seeing my mails.

When he asked me about it I initially refused it as he was worried with some business issues but afterwards I accepted it.

When he asked me what happened then I told him that I wasn't really intrested in him but some how got into it but after 2 yrs I realised that he wasn't right for me and I brokeup when his mother denied for marriage.but my husband feels that this can't be reson for break up and says families do oppose such things but one would always try again.he feels we had physical relationship and stuff like that, I told him that we met very few times and we didn't even went to restaurents, movies, not even going around with him on his bike. We didn't even kiss not even a hug! But he has no trust on my word any more as I lied initially about it.

He feels that in a 2 year relationship what ever I say is impossible he says how can a boy and a girl be in a relationship for 2 years and not even kiss or hug he feels I am lying and thinks I was physically involved with him.

I have told him that it wasn't like that and now I don't know how to convince him. He is really down and I feel very bad to see him in this state I feel responsible for all this .

Be both love each other a lot and don't want to spoil this relationship he is trying to get over it but is finding it difficult to let it go.

What should I do
Help!

Fr_Chuck · Mar 15, 2010, 04:15 AM

I know the cultures are different, it was before you married him, even if you had been physciial withhim, there is nothing to get over since it was over before you were with him.

Cat1864 · Mar 15, 2010, 08:55 AM

He has to deal with his own insecurities. You can try to convince him what you say is the truth, but until he wants to believe, he will continue to be upset.

Your past is your past as his past is his. Together you are presently building the future. Concentrate on your baby and daily life. Let him work out his own issues.

I wish · Mar 15, 2010, 03:08 PM

It takes time to repair the damaged trust. You lied to him, so you can't expect him to get over this overnight.

The important part is to be patient with each other and continue to work hard to rebuild the trust.

Instead of trying to justify your actions and revisiting the past, why not focus on the future? Why not focus on what you two can do to make your relationship stronger, instead of constantly arguing about the past?

Take some positive steps in strengthening the marriage. Don't go backwards.

graduate2life · Mar 15, 2010, 06:19 PM

I'd say talk to each other more about your future together rather than the past.

He is slowly getting a grasp at it. His bad mood will also eventually go away. So relax, don't make it worse for him by looking so anxious. It's all right! He is getting over it. It's now time for you to think of how to cheer him up.

talaniman · Mar 15, 2010, 07:10 PM

I think this is an issue he must overcome himself, as not sure about your lies or what he found in your emails, but a man should trust his wife, especially if he had a chance to hear you out BEFORE you were married.

Frankly what you did 2 years before him, SHOULD NOT be any issue. But for the record, what was this lie you refer too? Let me guess, you two kept in touch as friends?

heartbroken1410 · Mar 16, 2010, 06:22 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

It takes time to repair the damaged trust. You lied to him, so you can't expect him to get over this overnight.

The important part is to be patient with each other and continue to work hard to rebuild the trust.

Instead of trying to justify your actions and revisiting the past, why not focus on the future? Why not focus on what you two can do to make your relationship stronger, instead of constantly arguing about the past?

Take some positive steps in strengthening the marriage. Don't go backwards.

Hi
Thanks for your reply
I said the same thing to him that lets look ahead and stop talking about the past, the past which I don't even remember but he keeps asking about the past

heartbroken1410 · Mar 16, 2010, 06:37 AM

Hi thanks for the reply
When he saw my mails and asked weather there was any such relationship I said no and said we were just close friends, well he saw a folder where our initials were jointly written and ours mails and chats (he mentioned sweetheart and stuff like that in the mails) ,

But after couple of days when he asked again I accepted everything, so in a way I lied to him which makes him distrust me. Again the reason why he feels that I am lieying to him now is that I told him in 2 yrs relationship we never ever went out for date not even huged or kissed each other no physical contact, which he feels is a little hard to digest and feels that I am hiding things from him.

He has sen many cases in his college days where couples have done sex also in much shorter relationships.I told him that I come from a different backgroung where I haven't seen all this but he isn't listening and keeps putting his logic

heartbroken1410 · Mar 17, 2010, 11:35 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think this is an issue he must overcome himself, as not sure about your lies or what he found in your emails, but a man should trust his wife, especially if he had a chance to hear you out BEFORE you were married.

Frankly what you did 2 years before him, SHOULD NOT be any issue. But for the record, what was this lie you refer too? Let me guess, you two kept in touch as friends?

Dear Talaniman

I have replied to you question reply

Alty · Mar 17, 2010, 11:41 PM

Can I ask a question?

Were you a virgin when you married your husband?

If so, did he not notice that? Because if he did then there's your proof that you didn't have sex with this ex friend. I won't call him a boyfriend because he wasn't on, you never even kissed or hugged or anything. You're just friends, always have been.

talaniman · Mar 18, 2010, 07:04 AM

Please just relax, and be honest with each other, and take into account he has to learn the way of women, and for that matter, find his own manhood.

You both are learning each others ways, and patience, and understanding are something you both must have for each other, as you learn, and grow into each others ways, and that takes time. You have a lifetime, and the process will not be perfect, you both will make mistakes along the way, but let your love for each other get you through the good times, and the bad, and trust me there will be bad times and all you will have is what you have together. Work together and enjoy the process. That's what marriage is about, being willing to work together.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ge-452575.html

Is this your husband? If it is, he will come around, once he gets his head wrapped around the fact that he has to be as open, and honest as he expects you to be. His obligation, and responsibility is to work with you. But guys are difficult, as the same stubbornness that get us through hard times, is the stubbornness that makes us take a long time to get our minds together with our mates.

We just learn slower than females do. That's what my wife told me, so I know its correct because she also told me she is smarter than me, and I should listen better, and do as she says. After more than 30 years, I am still working on it.

I agree to what you say but its difficult to convince him on the physical relationship matter as he has lost trust in me and feels I am lying. He says he that I know that he will not accept physical relationship that's why may be I am hiding things from him.

He will need time to get his head together, but you must be firm in telling him he had a chance to hear the truth, but refused to listen. You also must be firm in not letting him badger you about it. He either will believe you, or not, and you must tell him so.

I think he is overly sensitive, and will hardly be fair.

Jake2008 · Mar 19, 2010, 03:59 AM

I think he's being a jerk. And I wonder if his reaction to your non-sexual relationship 2 years prior to marrying him, has something to do with HIS past actions before he married you. He sure seems to have something in his past that perhaps has his conscience kicking up some guilt.

Has he ever had a prior relationship? Did he ever kiss a girl? Did he ever do more than that while out with his buddis on a Friday night in a singles bar?

If he can be so upset with you over nothing, what does the future hold. How will he react if he thinks you looked at a man sideways or shows this posessive, childish reaction to something similarly innocent.

My opinion is, he's got a past, and he's making your non-issue the reason to hide it.

Cat1864 · Mar 19, 2010, 06:45 AM

First, please review these rules on using the 'agree/disagree' feature: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html.

Second, is this your husband: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...e-452575.html?

Third, if it is your husband (or if your husband is anything like that poster), then his problems with your past are something that he has to deal with on his own or with the help of a marriage/personal counselor. Anything that you say or do is suspect as far as he is concerned. You could tell him the absolute truth about everything for the rest of your lives, but, until he is ready to let it go, he will still have problems with your past.

You both seem so intent on what 'was' that I hope you remember the baby that will be here before you realize it. Focus on being ready for the child. Working together to prepare the baby's things can be a bonding experience for the two of you. Let the shared memories take the place of the individual past memories.

Jake2008 · Mar 19, 2010, 09:34 AM

I don't think this is as much to do with her 'past', which was not a sexual past with another man, as it is with a controlling husband.

Religious and cultural differences aside, there is respect, love, tolerance, honesty, and communication in any relationship, particularly a marriage.

That he doesn't have a reason to behave in such a disrespectul, selfish way toward you, means that, in my opinion, the reason for his behaviour, is not yet known.

While you keep trying to understand why he is so fixated on something that didn't happen, and he keeps pushing a non-issue, is not something you are responsible for. He needs to address why he is being so insecure.

While you suffer the consequences of his behaviour, he is doing nothing to address this obsession about you and some other guy, two years before you married him.

Can you see that, or are you prepared to just keep on with defending yourself. Try to put the focus on why he is doing this, and stick up for yourself.

You do not need to suffer with a sentence imposed upon you, to appease his insecurity, or his own past, or for whatever reason he has chosen to be stuck on a non-issue that he has blown out of proportion.

My opinion is, again, is that he has to get over himself, apologize to you, and move on.

myagony1234 · Mar 19, 2010, 03:23 PM

Heartbroken,
I know in some culture, while arrange marriage is virtue, virginity is absolutely required for bride. If the bride is not virgin, it is a big time deal breaker. It hurts the marriage and man's pride badly.

On the another hand, men are supposed to be virgin as well, but if they had physical relationship prior to marriage, it is quite acceptable in my understanding. Rght? It is a clearly double standard, and has to be fixed.

I do not think your husband will easily forgive (?) you or apologize to you. He can keep making it as a serious issue if he is bothered by it so deeply. It is tough one. I have a feeling that you will live with guilty feeling for the rest of life in this marriage if you do not get any professional intervention.
It will not be equal relationhsip.

Can you guys please get some professional counseling and can be more honest to each other before it is getting more serious? Are you in a position to initiate the talk openly for this matter rationally or is he just shutting off from you?

talaniman · Mar 20, 2010, 07:51 AM

Just because someone cannot wrap their head around the idea of not having sex, doesn't mean it can't happen.

To say everyone does it (have sex) is not true. If it were, then he would have to be more accepting of her, but he is not. And there would be no virgins to marry.

To love someone is to accept their past, no matter what it is. And if you can't deal with it in a mature manner, you're certainly not ready for marriage.

heartbroken1410 · Mar 20, 2010, 11:47 AM

Its all getting very confusing... I can't decide what to do!

talaniman · Mar 20, 2010, 12:05 PM

I don't see where there is anything you have to do, but ask him how you can help him get over it.

If he can't handle the truth, he can sleep on the couch, or go back to his mamas house.

(Not my words, but what my wife tells me when I am Less than mature, and become pesky and get stuck on stupid!)

heartbroken1410 · Mar 28, 2010, 05:00 AM

My has asked me for divorse suggest me what to do. He is waiting for my delivery which is after 2 months, after that he will tell his parents. I'm blank not understanding what to do , he has lost complete trust in me. I dontwant to leave him.

myagony1234 · Mar 29, 2010, 02:56 PM

It is so sad your husband is STILL stuck with the past, keep trying to torture you, and threatening you by mentioning divorce. It is really shame he wants to abandon his own baby as well (even in his empty threat)!
He needs to really grow up as a man. What kind of father tries to abandon the innocent baby even before born? Baby is not a hostage to threaten a wife.
This man will never make his life happy if he does not change his view point & victim mentality. He seems enjoy misery, constantly focus on something not perfect, tortures himself and others around him. What is the point? He is making everyone miserable including him.

I just hope when the baby is born, his father instinct kicks in, and grow up as CARE GIVER not ATTENTION TAKER reasonably.
Please stay strong, and take care yourself and baby in any circumstances. He should come around. He is just confused now, and does not know how to stop the hurting feeling for now. How is your baby doing? Your baby's smile will melt down all the family issue very soon. When is due date?