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sandman00632 · Mar 13, 2010, 06:38 AM

Good afternoon,

I am in a unique situation and would like some advice / resources. I am in the Army and currently deployed overseas. Back in December of last year I received an email from someone I used to have relations with around 3 years ago. She has requested that I take a paternity test and I have no problems with that. We both agreed to wait until I am back stateside to make is easier on both parties. She also says that she is not interested in child support and would just like her son to know who his real father is (in the future when he is older). She is currently engaged to a man who has been with her since she was pregnant and they have another child together. He would like to officially adopt her son as his own. Since they appear to be in a happy and healthy relationship and have a child together and I am happily married with a 5 month old of my own. Both her, her fiancée, my wife and I have agreed that it would be in the best interest for both of our families since we live in different states and for other personal health reasons. She now lives in Nebraska (where the child was born) and my wife and I live in Colorado.
Obviously our first step is to take a paternity test (and we all believe that the child is mine). But in order for us to have a game plan for after the test I have a few questions you may be able to answer or be able to point me in the right direction:

Since it has been 3 years since she has attempted to find me and tell me, does she even legally have to have my consent to add her fiancées name to the BC and to go ahead with the adoption process?
A concern of my wife and I have is that she may have a "change of heart" or relationship issues in the future. What would legally have to happen for my wife and I to be legally clear of responsibility for her child? (Not that my wife and I will not do our part we are just trying to settle this whole situation so that both parties can go on with our lives. Her and her fiancée agree)
How, if at all would the law protect or assist my wife and I if she has a change of heart since she has suspected me to be the father but moved out of the state before I ever knew she was pregnant and took 3 years to attempt to contact me? (had I known 3 years when I wasn't married and didn't have a family of my own, things would have been much different)
Is there a legal document that can be drafted up that both parties can sign that will allow her fiancée to adopt and that will protect my wife and I down the road? She would like to make everything legal so that her fiancée and her can go on with their lives.

There are a thousand more questions that go to this whole situation but any advice and direction on where to go and what to do would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your time, effort and advice

~Justin

J_9 · Mar 13, 2010, 06:56 AM

Good morning Justin. I'll try to help the best I can. There are others who will help out here as well.

Originally Posted by sandman00632

Since it has been 3 years since she has attempted to find me and tell me, does she even legally have to have my consent to add her fiancées name to the BC and to go ahead with the adoption process?

If you are found to be the biological father of this child, yes, you will have to relinquish all rights to the child so that the child can be adopted.

Originally Posted by sandman00632

A concern of my wife and I have is that she may have a "change of heart" or relationship issues in the future. What would legally have to happen for my wife and I to be legally clear of responsibility for her child? (Not that my wife and I will not do our part we are just trying to settle this whole situation so that both parties can go on with our lives. Her and her fiancée agree)

Once your rights are terminated in order for the adoption to take place you have no future liabilities or responsibilities once the adoption is finalized.

Originally Posted by sandman00632

How, if at all would the law protect or assist my wife and I if she has a change of heart since she has suspected me to be the father but moved out of the state before I ever knew she was pregnant and took 3 years to attempt to contact me?

You are not protected against having to pay support until the adoption takes place. In most states it is required that the adult parties be married for no less than a year before an adoption can be finalized.

Originally Posted by sandman00632

Is there a legal document that can be drafted up that both parties can sign that will allow her fiancée to adopt and that will protect my wife and I down the road? She would like to make everything legal so that her fiancée and her can go on with their lives.

She will need a family law attorney to draft the document and you will need an attorney to read it before you agree to it to make sure that there are not any loopholes. Again, once an adoption takes place the adoptive parent then assumes all liability.

I hope that helps. Hopefully someone with more insight will come along soon.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 13, 2010, 07:25 AM

Also if she has received any state aid, welfarde and the such after the child is born and before the adoption is final, the state may come after you for paymets for child support. Even if she does not.

There is no need to "wait" DNA can be collected where you are as long as it is court approved

ScottGem · Mar 13, 2010, 08:15 AM

First, your situation is not in the least bit unique. Unfortunately, it happens way too often that men find out they were fathers as the result of a relationship that ended in the past.

Second, if you allow the adoption then you will have no legal relationship to the child. Once the adoption is finalized, her husband (they will probably have to be married first). Will become the legal father, severing your legal relationship. This means that any relationship you might have with the child will be at it's parent's forebearance.

Before an adoption can take place the biological parents must agree to it. So, I think she went looking for you, not because she wants her child to know its father, but because she was told she will need to get your consent for an adoption.

Your wife is not a part of this in any way. She has no legal standing whatsoever.

As Chuck mentioned, if she received public assistance at any time, the state may go after you for reimbursement. Otherwise, if no child support order was ever filed, its unlikely you would be liable for back support.

So, the bottom line is, if you do not want to be held responsible for this child, then agree to the adoption and sign the papers when presented. That's all you would need.

cdad · Mar 13, 2010, 02:27 PM

Id like to add something here that hasn't been mentioned. There are 2 current ways to handle the DNA situation at this time. One would be a home type test. If its proved you're the father then you know to keep making plans for the furture. If your not then all this worrying will be for not. Another thing is that since you are in the military your DNA should already be on file. So far as I know all persons currently serving have DNA taken for idetification. So it should be in your personel file. That could be used with the child's DNA to determine parentage.