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heyred · Mar 8, 2010, 06:09 PM

Would appreciate any advice or support.

I've been dealing with a lot of self-confidence issues lately and am taking it out on my husband. I'm a true believe that you can't change others, you can only change yourself. I always feel like there is something wrong with me and am on a constant quest to deal with it. My husband is always telling me to talk with him whenever I have a problem. My natural reaction is to bottle things up, but recently I have really pushed myself to straighten out my thoughts and let him know how I'm feeling. But every time I feel like we've talked and dealt with one problem, another one seems to creep up on me. I know that talking too much could also drive him crazy, so I really try to only tell him the important issues. Whether I tell him or not, I still seem to strike out at him. Usually a very patient man, he seems to be coming to his wits end. It has basically come to the point that I need to stop striking out at him or he will leave me.

I hate relying on someone else to make me feel good about myself, but the longer I'm with him the more dependent I get. Because of my confidence issues I don't react well unless he says positive things about me. But my striking out only makes me look bad and then what positive things would he have to say?

I don't know how to break this vicious cycle of doubt and low confidence. I feel like I've driven him so crazy that I can no longer turn to him to help me with my problems. I don't know where to go from here...

s_cianci · Mar 8, 2010, 06:15 PM

Have you considered talking with a professional counselor? (S)he can give you much more meaningful help than your husband can and (s)he can help you improve your relationship with your husband as well.

cowboys24 · Mar 8, 2010, 07:03 PM

I understand where you are coming from I have that same aspect I keep things to myself and never show it . Let me ask you What kind of things do you mean by confidence issues ? Like what be specific so I can provide good advice on the certain problem

Gemini54 · Mar 8, 2010, 07:05 PM

I think that it's really difficult for our partners when we turn to them for everything and expect them to be our counselor, lover, husband, friend, etc, etc.

As you so wisely pointed out, these are YOUR issues. So deal with them yourself by talking to someone that is an objective, professional listener. Someone that can provide you with meaningful strategies to deal with your doubts and confidence issues and who can monitor your progress.

Give your poor hubby a break - I imagine he wants to help, but now he's obviously scared to be honest with you. You need to be honest with yourself - you're using him to increase your self-confidence but manipulating him into telling you what you want to hear.

Get thee to a counselor immediately! You won't look back and your husband will breathe a sigh of relief.

Good luck.

heyred · Mar 8, 2010, 08:22 PM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

I think that it's really difficult for our partners when we turn to them for everything and expect them to be our counselor, lover, husband, friend, etc, etc.

I can't agree with you more and know its completely selfish to expect so much of him. In my current situation I am very isolated and do rely on him too much. Even in saying this, I feel like talking to someone else about our problems is somehow betraying him. Silly, I know. He is in a similar situation of isolation and I doubt he would seek out someone to talk to about me. I guess it's these thoughts that keep me in this vicious cycle. Whether I seek counseling or not, it is becoming clear that I definitely need outside source of non-judgmental guidance. I definitely need to remember that even though he welcomes me to talk about my problems, it is not fair for him to always have to listen to them.

Aknowledging the confidence issues:
He is a great man, but being told by others, over and over again, how lucky I am is slowly tearing away at myself worth. Even from him it is always me who starts the fights and me who needs to sort out issues. I don't want to shift blame to him, but I find it hard to believe that a person can be without faults. There is a constant feeling that the only thing wrong is me, and it's hard to know how much of this is influenced internallly or externally.

Jake2008 · Mar 8, 2010, 10:09 PM

It helps to strengthen your perception of your strengths and weaknesses. You are not a 'wife' or 'mother' or 'friend', so much as, you are a person first, in your own right. To that we all can relate to those feelings of self depreciation we all experience through our lives.

You say you are isolated, and I can relate to that having moved many times, and some moves were to remote areas. It can really eat at you, and you know what they say about an idle mind. Mine was in overdrive.

Keep busy, and keep your mind occupied. Share conversations with your husband about his day, life, experiences etc. news headlines, etc. and focus more on an equal exchange of communication that isn't always negative or needy.

Why not take an online course, or see if there aren't opportunities where you are to volunteer. As hard and daunting as that may seem, when you are with other people it can really lift your spirits.

You might also want to consider keeping a diary of your thoughts as a way to process them. It helps to get things out on paper, and read them. Maybe the problems you see aren't so overwhelming when you put pen to paper.

Be careful that you don't fall too far from being strong in your own right. Seeing a counsellor will also give you a boost in yourself confidence, and listen to you without having a vested interest in how she answers and responds (unlike your partner).

Focus away from your husband more, and more to what you can do for yourself.

heyred · Mar 8, 2010, 11:51 PM

Thank you again for the support and advice. You can't imagine how much it means.

I just wanted to share a short book that my mom recommended me today that may shine a bit of light for any problem.

As A Man Thinketh - James Allen

heyred · Apr 18, 2010, 05:16 PM

I've posted on here previously about fighting with my husband. Well, the fights are continuing. I've had some personal issues that I thought were the reason for the fighting. I feel like I've been dealing with these issues and working through them, but the fights continue. I don't feel like the fights are always my fault. My husband is a great man, but he isn't perfect. After the last argument we had we both said we were tired of it and need to figure out what's going on. I suggested couples therapy, but he refuses saying it's pathetic because we've only been married for 2 years. When I asked what he suggested he had nothing. Well now we've fought again. I am sick of it and sat trying to talk through the arugment while he wouldn't. He says its me who starts these things. That might be true, but he won't finish them. He says I should talk to him about my feelings, but he won't talk back. It just feels so onesided. I can't work through our issues by myself. Just telling him how I'm feeling doesn't solve the problem, I need him to reciprocate.

Any advice would be appreciated.

kannad1980 · Apr 18, 2010, 06:59 PM

A great and very short book to read is called "Everybody Wins" by Dr. Gary Chapman. Lots of great examples and quite helpful in solving arguments...

450donn · Apr 18, 2010, 08:16 PM

I think it might be time for a separation. He won't talk and unless he is ready and willing to go to a professional then it is time for you to go to a girlfriends or back to your parents for a few days. Let things cool off and then talk to him. Ask again if he is ready and willing to go to therapy.

Gemini54 · Apr 18, 2010, 08:52 PM

I think the answer is actually quite simple (but clearly difficult for you both).

Stop fighting. Actually shut your mouth - and when you want to say something - don't say it.

Resolve that you will not fight for 2 days - an argument requires someone to start it and someone to want to continue it. So if he starts, don't take the bait and vice versa. Then resolve not to fight for another 2 days, and so on. If he starts fighting - just listen and don't say anything. When he's finished ask him to listen to you and not say anything.

You're fighting because one of you wants to get the upper hand, or wants to 'win' or wants to have the last word - but as you can see, there are no winners, only losers.

If there are issues that need to be resolved then perhaps you should see a counselor who can 'coach' you on how to talk to each other about difficult things.

The best advice that I can give you though is - keep your mouth shut when it starts to become an argument. Don't respond or retalliate and see how this changes the dynamic.

It takes two people to argue!

JudyKayTee · Apr 19, 2010, 09:22 AM

Out of greenies - but great advice. Sometimes (when the topic is uncomfortable for either party) a third party is a great asset.

Devorameira · Apr 22, 2010, 06:51 AM

You can't fix the problem if you both don't work on it. If one party refuses, the only choices you have is to live with it or move on.

Jake2008 · Apr 22, 2010, 10:08 AM

You can agree not to fight, but where does the issue go- it just sits around the corner until opportunity knocks.

Fighting is not a bad thing. It gets stuff out on the table. But, you and he have to fight fair. Establish ground rules such as no bringing up the past, sticking to the issue, and really listening to another person's gripes without raising voices.

Pick a time and a quiet place to air your greivances, discuss it, compromise, communicate, compromise some more, and solve the problem.

When it gets to nit picking, name calling, ridiculous accusations, screaming and yelling, nothing will be accomplished.

You have only been married two years!

Before you or he walks out the door, see if you can't agree to argue productively with a few simple rules.

Going around the bend over and over again, and ignoring the issues and not talking to each other, in my opinion, is not the answer.

I wish · Apr 23, 2010, 12:59 PM

I'm going to take a different angle on this one.

Before we worry about your arguments, I suggest you look at yourself in the mirror first. You can't control the words that are coming out of his month, but you can control yours.

Are you sure that you're not short tempered?

Are you sure that you're not nit-picking?

Are you sure that you're not overly sensitive?

Are you sure that you're not holding grudges on him?

Are you sure that you're not blowing things out of proportion?

You sound extremely confused. I suggest that you sort out your thoughts. Perhaps writing everything down would help you. List out exactly what YOU think is the problem first. Once you've structured your thoughts, then you can approach him to try to find a solution.

Furthermore, while you're trying to sort out your thoughts, make sure that you keep a cool, calm and collected mind, so that you don't let emotions get the best of you. Emotions often blows things out of proportion. If you can't communicate in a calm manner, then take a time out, until you've allowed the emotions to settle down before continuing a discussion together.