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jmp421075 · Mar 4, 2010, 11:02 AM

I started seeing someone that I had liked in the past, but we stopped talking once I entered a relationship. He did as well and at one point became engaged. We have both been single for quite a few months. We began talking again and he had asked to see me. He told me how excited he was and how much he was looking forward to seeing me again. Things went really good for a couple of weeks, we talked every day and it seemed like things were progressing. I starting gaining feelings for him and I told him that I only wanted to continue hanging out and hooking up if he wasn't doing the same with other people. He then told me that he was really sorry for leading me on and sorry that I thought things might go further, but he has his mind set on being single and is not ready for a relationship. He said he enjoyed our time together and it made him feel different, but he's just not ready. I have to say I am hurt since I was introduced to his family and friends and it seems to me like he knew he was leading me on. He also said
"goodbye" many times. I didn't want to stop talking to him or being friends or having him in my life. I can't help but feel rejected and like he didn't like me. I've never been told this before and I feel like it is a nice way to let someone down easy. What does he mean by all of this and should I contact him for a possible friendship?

AmericanGirl01 · Mar 4, 2010, 11:17 AM

My boyfriend went through a similar thing like this with the last girl he was seeing. However, the difference is, he made it very clear from the get go that he didn't want anything serious and while he actively wouldn't be looking for any one else, he couldn't promise he'd be exclusive with her. What did this lead to? The other girl developing feelings for him and him forcing to call it off completely to avoid further hurt and confusion.

If both parties can agree that they do not want to date each other exclusively then this can for sure work. However, if ONE person is not okay with the arrangement then someone is going to get hurt.
He's made it very clear to you that he doesn't want anything serious, you have to respect that. Is it possible for you to have him in your life as just a friend? If you still have any feelings towards him, this can get very messy.

You want something more, he doesn't. I really think you need to call it quits and find someone that wants what you want.

I should add, he's at a point in his life where he wants to experiment with different people and he's not ready to settle down with one person. While this is really hard to hear since you care for him, you really have to respect that. He is being honest with you and that's really all you can ask for.

mistyjane · Mar 4, 2010, 11:36 AM

I don't like that.I mean why did he introduce you to his family and everything just to say "i'm not ready"?
If I were you I wouldn't be happy with him at this point and I would not call him or whatever.
I don't know if he's true saying he's not ready but I know that he acted selfish by not making it clearer from the beginning.
Just go NC because you will be hurt if you try to be his friend and one day he shows up with a girlfriend, you will think:he wasn't ready for me but for her he seems to be.

AmericanGirl01 · Mar 4, 2010, 11:58 AM

Originally Posted by mistyjane

Just go NC because you will be hurt if you try to be his friend and one day he shows up with a girlfriend, you will think:he wasn't ready for me but for her he seems to be.

I agree with this. Like I previously mentioned my current boyfriend called it off with the girl he was casually seeing when she developed feelings for him. The whole time he was telling her he didn't want a relationship. Just keep it casual.

However, shortly there after, him and I started seeing each other and he knew right away that he wanted an exclusive relationship with me. He realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship before, he just didn't meet the right person to be exclusive with yet.

I'm sure this hurt her and made her wonder "why not me?" Best to go NC, avoid getting hurt and find someone that wants you!

91s10blazer · Mar 4, 2010, 12:14 PM

Being a guy myself I will say this, be the coolest girl you can be, whatever that means to him, don't push any relationship or it will likely scare him. Be the best friend he has ever had and he will come around.

jmp421075 · Mar 4, 2010, 01:51 PM

I appreciate all the answers. Is there a difference between "not wanting a relationship" and "not being ready" for one? He never said he didn't WANT to be with me, he just said he simply wasn't ready and any other smart guy would be but he's just "dumb" and doesn't want another relationship yet again.

AmericanGirl01 · Mar 4, 2010, 02:04 PM

Yes there is a difference. It could very well be that he's not ready. But in my opinion, if he truly felt like there was some sort of "real connection" between the two then he wouldn't be saying he has mind set on being single and he doesn't want anything more with you.

He wants to keep it casual and he wants to be single. You have to respect that. I don't think it was right the way he led you on, but why waste your time on someone that doesn't feel the same way as you? Maybe he will come around, maybe he won't but don't wait around for him

Originally Posted by jmp421075

I appreciate all the answers. Is there a difference between "not wanting a relationship" and "not being ready" for one? He never said he didn't WANT to be with me, he just said he simply wasn't ready and any other smart guy would be but he's just "dumb" and doesnt want another relationship yet again.

In most cases, guys are very straightforward. They don't tend to play little mind games that women are notorious for. You have to listen to what he is telling you because it's most likely exactly how he feels.

talaniman · Mar 4, 2010, 02:49 PM

Things went really good for a couple of weeks, we talked every day and it seemed like things were progressing. I starting gaining feelings for him and I told him that I only wanted to continue hanging out and hooking up if he wasn't doing the same with other people. He then told me that he was really sorry for leading me on and sorry that I thought things might go further, but he has his mind set on being single and is not ready for a relationship.

I think that while you both were being very honest with each other, I think it was a case of too much, too soon, crash, and burn.

What I mean is, that a few weeks is rather quick to decide about being exclusive with someone, and from the get go, talking everyday was a good way to develop an attachment, and be too available, to be a lot more objective. When you lost your objectivity, and started to have feelings to soon, you decided to push forward, and of course you are disappointed that he didn't feel the same way.

Give yourself some time to adjust, and heal, and get past the disappointment a bit, as its pretty easy to get the wrong signals from a guy who talks to you everyday, and introduces you to his family. (to much, to fast)

An honest mistake. But I am sure as time went on you would have found out that dating for fun, while you get to know someone requires more than just honesty, but some boundaries so you don't get carried away by your own feelings, and start assuming, and presuming, he feels the same way you do.

I think a better balance of things to do besides spending a lot of time with each other, would have been so much better in the beginning, and allowed you a safe distance to see what he was about, even though its obvious you had high hopes from knowing him before. Maybe he could have been plainer and more upfront, and maybe you could have been more cautious, but for sure you will be in the future and take your time and be a lot more in control of your feelings, and actions. So there was much to learn, maybe to late with this guy, but the next one. Just leave him be, and do your own thing for a while.

Its been my rule to never think about being exclusive with just one person for a few months, so we both can have more facts about us besides all the fun of dating and having a good time brings.

Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.