[tlh44]

My daughter-in law is 21 has two sisters, twins, and an older brother. She is very arty and a very good looking girl. My son and her were married some 20 months ago, she was pregnant with their child who was born some 7 months later. She dresses very seductively and either doesn't realise, or knows and doesn't care, what effect this has on the young lads around her when she goes clubbing leaving her husband to look after their son. I have seen the pics on Facebook and I wonder how long it will be before she fall for the wiles of another young man, maybe just a one night stand! She has steadfastly refused to change her name. Her husband was in hospital with a serious complaint for a couple of weeks recently, when he came out she went clubbing until 2am!
Leaving hubby at home. She does not seem to realise her marriage responsibilities and continues as if she is a single lady. I would like to write a letter to her without being too invasive and not alienating her. Any advice would be appreciated.

[counseling]

It is quite clear from your post that your son and daughter seem to have got married at a very young age. Her getting pregnant may have been the reason for them to get married.

I understand that as a parent you are concerned about your son. But if you try to advice your daughter in law about how to 'behave', then it may seem to her that you are interfering. And you will only push her away from yourself and from her husband.

I think it is your son who needs help and support and advice. He is the right person to talk to her. And not you. And that's also only if your son has a problem with his wife's behavior.

What your son needs to do is discuss an issue when the situation comes up. So, when she is going out clubbing while there are guest coming over, he should try and make her realize that she could go clubbing after the guests have left. This is just an example.

And believe me, there is no non-invasive way of telling your daughter in law to mend her ways. The best you can do is give a friendly advice to her as the situation arises. So, when she goes out wearing seductive dresses, let her know politely what others may be thinking about her behavior.

I hope that helps.

[Green Elephant]

Hello,

It seems like you actually know the problem, and the proper steps to take. It sounds like your daughter in law isn't trying to except being married and motherhood, so she's clinging onto her "last hope" of youth which is clubs, and staying out late.

I would suggest sit her down with you, and possibly your son, and first let her know that you love and appreciate her, then explaining how you both feel (If your son indeed feels the same as you) and tell her something needs to change, and fast.

There are too many kids raising kids, and bottom line, if you don't like how your daughter in law is acting, you have to tell her in a kind, loving way as to not shut her off completely.

It could quite simply be that she doesn't even realize what affect this is taking on her family, so it's your responsibility to make it clear to her.

Good luck, and know you CAN'T go wrong with love and appreciation. No one is going to listen when they feel like they're being attacked. Just be honest, and let her know how much she's appreciated before the talk ensues.

[J_9]

Unfortunately, this is none of your business. As much as you love your son and are worried about his happiness (I would be too if I were in your shoes), he is now an adult and has a wife and child.

If you speak to her about this you may alienate your son from you. Have you spoken to your son about this? What are his thoughts?

It is his place to deal with his wife. Not yours.

I understand your heartache, I really do. But, he has to handle this. If you say anything to her you may drive a wedge between you and your son.