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beedaw · Feb 27, 2010, 07:26 AM

Our 20 yr old son has been putting us through hell for about 3 1/2 yrs and we are at our wits end. He took oxycotin for a time and then he got arrested for marijuana possession when he was 17. He was charged as a minor and got that off his record. We kicked him out numerous times and eventually let him come back. He was supposed to go in the military but that hasn't happened yet. Waiting lists and now he is back home living with no job coming and going as he pleases because we thought we could trust him. We just found out through advertisements from attorneys coming in the mail that he was arrested for public intoxication and we aren't sure if he has been smoking marijuana again or not. We still have 2 sons at home and we don't know what to do from this point. We need help and guidance for our son and us to know what we can do to get him on the right path and put some sanity back in our lives. Thanks.

jmjoseph · Feb 27, 2010, 07:33 AM

He needs professional help with substance abuse. He needs to be detoxed first, then get into a rehab facility, and after that join a 12 step program like Alcoholics Anonymous, or Narcotics Anonymous.

YOU need to look into Nar-anon. It's for family members and friends, of addicts. It's worldwide, anonymous, and free. There should be a meeting near you tonight, please try it. It will save your sanity.

Make rules for your son to follow.

Make him take home drug tests.

If he's in your house, he should follow your rules.

He will get much worse if you do not stop this behavior NOW.

beedaw · Feb 27, 2010, 07:42 AM

Thanks for the advice, I will check into this.

jmjoseph · Feb 27, 2010, 07:44 AM

Originally Posted by beedaw

Thanks for the advice, I will check into this.

Please come back and let us know how things are going.

It's one thing for him to have an addiction. But for him to act like a disrespectful brat, that's just crossing the line.

He's biting the hand that feeds him.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 27, 2010, 07:48 AM

Also I will be somewhat blunt, it may be slim chance of him going into the military, since he has to be clear of drugs.

And while you want to see him do his best, he is a adult now and you can not make him stop using drugs if he does not want to.

You can stop him coming and going, have a set time, if he is not home, he does not come home that night, be strict.

You allow him to do what he is doing by letting him keep coming home.

If he is kicked out, he stays out, until he cleans up, get a job and can add to the family.

Personally, he either starts programs, you give him a home drug test each week and he has to be clean or he has to hit the road and be tough this time

beedaw · Feb 27, 2010, 07:59 AM

We have done this and he was off the drugs because we gave him a drug test and then he went to his sister's to live and straightened up and wanted to go in the military. He got messed around by his recruiter and was guaranteed to go so he quit his job and sold his vehicle to reduce bills. His sister is moving so he came back home because he had no other choice. We thought he had changed but he started going out with he old friends and here we are again. It is very hard to make the decisions you need to make as parents and we just want to do what it takes to make him a responsible person. Why does it have to be so hard.

J_9 · Feb 27, 2010, 07:59 AM

Originally Posted by beedaw

We kicked him out numerous times

Not to be blunt, but why don't you do that again? By letting him stay there you are enabling him.

To spare your other children the drama it's time to take off the kid gloves and put on the tough love.

beedaw · Feb 27, 2010, 08:03 AM

We are afraid of the consequences to him. We will still be worried if he isn't here. Is there an easy answer. Is there anyone out there that has been through this and what happened in the end?

J_9 · Feb 27, 2010, 08:12 AM

Bee, there is no easy answer. Parenting does not come with a handbook when the baby is born.

I understand you are afraid of the consequences, and that's what makes you a good parent. But sometimes we have to let our children make their own choices and learn the consequences. We can't shield them forever. If we do, they won't learn anything. They have to make their own mistakes.

He's 20 now, he's an adult and old enough to make his mistakes and face the consequences of his actions.

It hurts us as parents (mother in my case), we have to let go. We have to cut the apron strings.

In my case it's war. My oldest 2 sons have chosen to go into the military and off to Iraq. As much as I don't like the fact that I may lose them, I have to face reality. This is their choice.

We shielded and protected them as children. We have to let them learn on their own as adults.

beedaw · Feb 27, 2010, 09:16 AM

Thanks for all the advice, we will do the best we can and I know this decision we have to make won't be easy but we will face it together. Thank your son's for their service to our country. We appreciate and support them.

Jake2008 · Feb 27, 2010, 08:00 PM

Had to spread the rep, J9, you are right on.

Bee, try thinking of this another way. How can you best serve your son's needs, in order for him to grow into a functioning, independent adult.

It is not by allowing the behaviour to continue, and it is giving him a set of expectations that he is capable of achieving.

What do you expect. Most likely that he can help himself, as an adult, with his drug problems and lifestyle.

You cannot fix that for him, his choices have put the consequence squarely on his own shoulders, and he has to take appropriate steps to address his issue of drug abuse.

He needs to know that while you will be there for him until the end of time, you cannot live his life, he has to live his own life. He makes significant changes, you'll back him all the way.

He cannot expect to change and alter his lifestyle without consequence. If he chooses not to work, the room and board stops. If he chooses to be ignorant and disrespectful, he cannot expect to live with his parents.

If he cannot see how his behaviour is affecting his younger siblings, you cannot afford to risk that they will take the same path he has. And because there have been no long-term consequences and you keep taking him back, the younger ones can reasonably expect you'll go through this with them if they start on that path.

This is not about you any longer. It is about him, and how he chooses to live his life. Parenting days have been long over for this man, and my advice is to allow him the opportunity to grow up.

As long as you keep covering and mothering him, he never will.

dynocompe · Feb 28, 2010, 02:44 AM

For you to help him though, your son has to want to ACCEPT the help, otherwise he will just rebel more and more. Perhaps a serious family talk, with his brothers around, and each of you read a letter to him, of how much he means to each and one of you, and how much what he is doing to himself hurts you all. Then maybe ask him to go to Detox or some rehab that you already have put in place. Just like the show Intervention. If you don't watch that show, or have a TV, you can watch it online. I think it will help you understand this situation a lot more, maybe help you out!
I feel for you, I know how hard it can feel when you feel like nothing you do helps, and just drives you crazy. I have high hopes that your son will clue in one day, especially from a great family support system!

dynocompe · Feb 28, 2010, 02:51 AM

Another point a lot of people in this situation, for your son to realize that he needs to change his life and his decisions he is making, sometimes it takes them hitting rock bottom!
Cut them off, since he has no job, never ever give him a dime! Not even for chores around the house. Him having money = him having drugs. I would boot him out, you want him to have no where to go, this will make him realize he has got to change.
When his life reaches rock bottom he will be more willing to change. Right now he is mad that he isn't in the military yet, and is blaming the military for his crappy life. But really it was his decisions, by quitting his job and selling his car. So If he declines help from you guys let him hit rock bottom

JoeCanada76 · Feb 28, 2010, 03:26 AM

He is 20 years old. He is an adult. He has to make his own mistakes. Deal with his own mistakes. There comes a time when you just have to let them go. Whether you are ready for it or not. Some problem with parents is they do not let their children make their own mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes and become worse. Time to let them make their own mistakes and decisions in life and let them face the consequences as well. Might be tough but have to do it if you want your boy to grow up. Might never grow up but either way it does not seem to be working the way things are going now. It did before, so I think in your hearts of hearts you know what you have to do.

becky_two · Mar 2, 2010, 03:16 AM

Such a difficult situation, and one faced by a lot of parents. Sometimes you need to cruel to be kind, even if that means your relationship with him is damaged. But on the other hand, by cutting him off, you may just push him back to substance abuse. 20 is still quite young, so there is still time for him to grow up. I'm afraid there is no right or wrong answer. You just need to do what you think is right. Good luck.