[butterflycandy]

I have been in a relationship for about a year and a half with my wonderful boyfriend Chris. Chris has always been completely faithful to me and I have to him as well. When I tell Chris "baby you're so wonderful" and he'll say "and you're my everything :)" But despite all of this I still get jealous sometimes when it comes to certain girls. Not all girls but girls that he has had "something" with make me question myself (appearance and personality wise). We took a break a couple months ago and he kissed this girl... that comes around all the time. This girl is gorgeous she's like 5'7 110 lbs. blonde hair... basically everything I'm not. She has a boyfriend now and I don't question his motives now.. I think that it was JUST a kiss and he doesn't want her, he wants me. But I can't help but feel totally inadequate when she is around. Especially if my hair is undone and I don't have on makeup. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I hate this... it drives me crazy... I tell chris that I feel ugly when she's around and he tells me "ugly isn't a feeling" If it's not ugly I feel than what is it? I don't know a better word.
Another example is.. when we first got together Chris had this "best friend" that he had romantic feelings for but he could never date her because she always had a boyfriend. After we had been together for a little more than a month she came to him and told him that she had "more than friend" feelings for him. Chris told me that he needed time to think and basically broke up with me because of this conversation that they had. About a week later he came to me and told me that he chose me because "I am a catch, and she will always be there". Chris remained her friend all through school and continued to talk to her. I hated this because it made me question his true feelings for her in comparison to me. He continues to talk to her to this day and he even tells her he loves her! He tells me that this is a totally separate love from the one he holds for me. He says he loves me like a girlfriend... and her like a best friend... and I know that this is a reasonable statement. I still feel totally insecure about the whole situation. She gets onto his Facebook and writes things like "I love you and I miss our amazing friendship... come and visit me soon!" And now she has me blocked so I can't look at anything she writes from my Facebook. She moved across state for college. And I know that she is so far away and he loves me and I still cannot shake this feeling... I don't even know what the feeling is... whether it's jealousy, hatred, insecurity. I don't know what it is but it's not good and I hate having all this doubt. This is MY problem, not his and he deals with all of it so well. I need to fix myself and I don't know how... it feels like a vicious cycle and it's exhausting. I feel like this is just how I am and I can't change who I am but I WANT to sooooo... bad. I hate this aspect of myself and I feel like if I can fix it.. it'll help our relationship. Thanks for listening and I'm open to ANY and ALL advice :)

[Glove And Gavel]

Hi Butterfly,
You need to work on your confidence. Remember: YOU have this guy, and NOT the other girls. You need to stop doubting yourself.

I think you need to doubt him. His previous behaviour indicates that there is an element of insecurity in your relationship.. For example "I have to think" and him kissing another girl 2 months ago? You have every reason to be suspect of him.
Why did you take this "break" 2 months ago?

[butterflycandy]

We took a break because I'm really mean and insensitive... something I'm obviously working on... when we have an argument or I get insecure I kind of freak out.. which I'm not doing and haven't done since we've been back together

[Kitkat22]

I think you're a young lady who has the right to feel the way you do. You need to sit down and talk (calmly) with him. I would be very upset if my husband kept running his mouth about an old girlfriend. Don't be a doormat for anyone. If he doesn't let you see what he or she is putting on Facebook you have a problem.

I think he's playing both ends against the middle. He wants to keep both of you ,just in case one of you decide to drop him , let her have him. He's a player and a charmer. You need to find some confidence in yourself and start feeling you are worth more than what he is doing. As for the other girl, what has he told her? You two need to get together and find out what kind of bull he's handing out.

[Gemini54]

I think that he's still friends with a gorgeous ex and it makes you feel insecure. Problem is, you're chronically insecure inside and it's killing your relationship.

I think he has a right to be friends with his ex, he's been open and clear about what it entails, and he's been really clear that he prefers you to her. That's the bit that's important - be prefers you to her!

I suspect you don't feel worthy or good enough or beautiful enough, and it wouldn't matter what the issue was (at the moment it's the ex), you'd still find away of feeling like this.

You're smart enough to KNOW it's your problem, not his. Congratulations, this is a great start. The next bit is to try and understand why you feel worthless - and it may be that a counselor can help you to understand this.

People can tell you - 'don't be silly, he loves you', but you won't be able to hear or appreciate it until you can understand what's eating away inside you, undermining yourself worth.

Please consider getting some counselling - I don't think you'll regret it.

[I wish]

You mentioned that he's liked her for a long time now, but she's always had a boyfriend, so he couldn't do anything. But finally, she confesses to him that she has feelings for him and that was his chance to be with her. You guys went on a break so that he can sort out his feelings. He comes out of the break telling you that he wants to be with you. Furthermore, he's been open with you about his past feelings for her and that he still wants a friendship with her.

As for you, even if it wasn't this girl, it will probably be someone else. Moreover, even if it wasn't this boyfriend, you would probably feel just as insecure with another boyfriend.

You've already identified the fact that you have issues and you want to work on them. I strongly recommend that you seek professional help, such as a therapist or a counsellor to help you work on your self-esteem.

From what you've told us, your boyfriend appears to have been very patient with you and your insecurities can push him away.

[butterflycandy]

I know that I need to have counseling but I can't afford a therapist. Are there any other options to help myself other than pay someone to help me? There has to be some kind of self-help techniques I can do without spending a bunch of money.

[I wish]

Here's a start.

Here's a helpful article:

Building Self-Esteem: A Self-Help Guide

Here are some books:

The Guide to Self-Help Books – Recommended Self-Help Books - Self-Help Book Reviews

I'm sure you can easiliy borrow from the library.

[Kitkat22]

Here's a start.

Here's a helpful article:

Building Self-Esteem: A Self-Help Guide

Here are some books:

The Guide to Self-Help Books – Recommended Self-Help Books - Self-Help Book Reviews

I'm sure you can easiliy borrow from the library.

There are also counselors at some of the churches in some areas. Try to find one that has a great counseling program. The books "Iwish "recommended would be worth looking into. In an earlier post I told you I though your boyfriend was a player? Well I have male friends who call me and my husband doesn't mind, because he knows that's all they are.
They are kids I went to High School with and when they call we talk about old times(ReallyOld Times.)My husband and I go to our High School Reunions and I think, wow thank God for hair color! We trust each other but we also have bee married many years.

Listen, I think you are probably not giving yourself a break about your looks. He must think your beautiful and he must love you because he hasn't left. I'm going to give you some advice, ease off and when you start having those insecure feelings think about the things he told you. He came back. Sometimes self esteem needs a boost and it's something no make-up or hairstyle or tight fitting jeans can give you. Find all the good things about you and find that inner self assurance. It's going to be hard since you've programmed yourself into thinking your not pretty or your intimidated by one of his ex girlfriends, but you can do it.

Everyone has given you some good advice, except for my post where I called him a player and a charmer. I don't think he is. What has made you feel so negative about yourself? Talk to us. We'll listen. Blessings

[butterflycandy]

I am going to look into those books and others. And I understand that you trust your husband or whatever but I am just a 23 year old dating a 19 year old who just got out of school with this girl and tells me that he loves her.. " as a friend" even though he told me he had always wanted to date her but he couldn't. I kind of find this hard to believe you can like someone like that and then just be their "friend" but have a platonic love for that "friend" I don't know the whole thing sketches me out still. But then I just remind myself how insecure I am and I doubt everything I think. I feel like a total nut job. And I'd like to point out... their not his ex-gf's, one was an ex best friend and the other was this random skank that he "only made out with".. I think I'm pretty but I also know that he doesn't rely on looks to determine who he wants to date. He looks at the total package and not only does he "connect" more with his "best friend" than he does with me.. she is his age! And he can relate to her a lot better than me. I know he's not a player or a charmer. Though quite charming he's not a "charmer". I don't know why I feel so negative about myself... I was the cheerleader in high school.. in multiple pagents, I have been a model, an actress, a singer, dancer, gymnast... you name it... I think maybe because I have been in competition with other girls my whole life that I can't let it go or something. I was also molested as a kid and it's really been hard for me to come to terms with that as I have gotten older. I have a lot of pent up resentment and hatred, that I kind of direct toward myself and kind of towar others (mainly females and really old guys for some reson). What I don't get is how I can recognize this and want to change so badly... but I can't help the thouhts and stupid feelings that I have. I feel kind of weird talking about it but it feels good to get it off my chest... thanks for listening :)

[Kitkat22]

I am going to look into those books and others. And I understand that you trust your husband or whatever but I am just a 23 year old dating a 19 year old who just got out of school with this girl and tells me that he loves her.. " as a friend" even though he told me he had always wanted to date her but he couldnt. I kinda find this hard to beleive you can like someone like that and then just be their "friend" but have a platonic love for that "friend" idk the whole thing sketches me out still. but then I just remind myself how insecure I am and I doubt everything I think. I feel like a total nut job. And I'd like to point out... their not his ex-gf's, one was an ex best friend and the other was this random skank that he "only made out with".. I think I'm pretty but I also know that he doesn't rely on looks to determine who he wants to date. He looks at the total package and not only does he "connect" more with his "best friend" than he does with me.. she is his age! and he can relate to her a lot better than me. I know he's not a player or a charmer. Though quite charming he's not a "charmer". I don't know why I feel so negative about myself... I was the cheerleader in high school.. in multiple pagents, I have been a model, an actress, a singer, dancer, gymnast... you name it... I think maybe because I have been in competition with other girls my whole life that I can't let it go or something. I was also molested as a kid and it's really been hard for me to come to terms with that as I have gotten older. I have a lot of pent up resentment and hatred, that I kinda direct toward myself and kinda towar others (mainly females and really old guys for some reson). what I don't get is how I can recognize this and want to change so badly... but I can't help the thouhts and stupid feelings that I have. I feel kinda weird talkin about it but it feels good to get it off my chest... thanx for listening :)

I think you are doing better. I wish you would post about your abuse on the site. No one knows who you are and there are wonderful people who have gone through through the same thing.

[butterflycandy]

I think I'm doing better too... thanks.. I'm trying :) umm... about the abuse :( I was molested by two different people when I was little. My cousin (who was much older than me) and my nanny's brother. I tried to push it out of my brain for a while but when I turned 20 something clicked and I just couldn't get over it.. I became a wild child... I became a legal escort (no touching involved) but none the less I scanned hundreds of guys out of hundreds every day. In a way it made me feel good to think that I was taking their money and I hated every one of them. I went back and forth between doing that and random respectable jobs closer to home because it actually ate me alive.. it ate my thoughts and self value and all kinds of things. I think this is another reason I hate myself so much because I did that for so long. And it takes a bad person to con men ( men people in general is wrong) out of money. I also lied to EVERYONE about what I did for two years because I was so emberassed about my job. I'm not the type of girl you'd think would be a "glorified stripper". I recently told everyone and came clean... after I quit my job with the escort agency actually. And it felt good to get the weight of such a huge secret of my chest but at the same time it made me remember why I hated myself so much in the first place... I feel like I'm rambling.. I'm going to stop. Again.. thanks for listening :)

[Kitkat22]

I think I'm doing better too... thanx.. I'm trying :) umm.... about the abuse :( I was molested by two different ppl when I was little. My cousin (who was much older than me) and my nanny's brother. I tried to push it out of my brain for a while but when I turned 20 something clicked and I just couldn't get over it.. I became a wild child... I became a legal escort (no touching involved) but none the less I scanned hundreds of guys out of hundreds every day. In a way it made me feel good to think that i was taking their money and I hated each and every one of them. I went back and forth between doing that and random respectable jobs closer to home because it actually ate me alive.. it ate my thoughts and self value and all kinds of things. I think this is another reason I hate myself so much because I did that for so long. and it takes a bad person to con men ( men ppl in general is wrong) out of money. I also lied to EVERYONE about what I did for two years because I was so emberassed about my job. I'm not the type of girl you'd think would be a "glorified stripper". I recently told everyone and came clean... after I quit my job with the escort agency actually. And it felt good to get the weight of such a huge secret of my chest but at the same time it made me remember why I hated myself so much in the first place... I feel like I'm rambling.. I'm gonna stop. Again.. thanx for listening :)

This what we are here for! Keep talking and posting and we'll help you work it out! I promise.

[Kitkat22]

Butterfly... You can talk to all of us . I think it's very brave of you to pull yourself up and start facing your fears!

[butterflycandy]

Thanks :) but I don't have much more to tell... at least nothing I can think of. I've shared all I can :) what do you think of my feedback so far?

[Kitkat22]

The more you come to this site and share the better off you are going to feel. Anytime you post no one knows who you are so it's kind of like writing in a journal. The only difference is you can find real people, who want to help. You keep on posting. God Bless

[Kitkat22]

thanx :) but I don't have much more to tell... at least nothin I can think of. I've shared all I can :) what do you think of my feedback so far?

How's everything going between you and the boyfriend? You seem to be getting a little more confident. I'm glad. He seems like a very nice guy. Anytime you need to talk just post and we'll answer. There are so many nice people here. I have never met them or heard their voice but they feel like family and I've only been here a short while. When my children left to go to their various homes and my youngest left to go back to College after Christmas break, I was so lonely and I found this site. I asked for help finding a song and I got hooked. Take take care now and keep in touch. I think your honesty is very outstanding and I admire you for wanting to find out who you are and what makes you react about things the way you do. I'm so sorry for the things that happened to you when you were young but telling about them is the first step. You're alright:):):)

[butterflycandy]

Thanks very much for everything. My boyfriend and I are good. I haven't been so good lately. I don't know why but I've started having suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. I used to have them all the time but I got myself out of the habit. It seems more and more that I am slipping back into that thought process. Which I know is wrong. I tried to kill myself like 4 or 5 years ago and I had to spend 3 weeks in a mental hospital. That whole thing helped. With learning ways to help yourself feel better and stuff. I don't know I kind of feel like giving up sometimes. But then I just look at chris and listen to his words and somehow it just makes things better. He brought up the fact that I cry a lot and this hurt my feelings really bad. He told me that I cry all the time, more than a baby.. and he's right.. lately I've been crying a lot more. But then when I think about the name "baby" and "loser" and all that I WANT to stop crying sooo... bad. It almost makes me feel a little insane. IDK why I'm telling you this. It doesn't really matter. I'm really starting to scare myself though with the bad thoughts. I have a dog.. Lillea Faerie (pronounced Lilly Fairy) and every time I want to kill myself I think of her and how lost and scared she would be without me. I could never do that to her. And then I think about chris.. and his smile and love.. and all of his "goodness".. and it brings me back to earth for a second. I'm starting to wonder if I'll get worse. But I think it's all a mindframe.. I need to tell myself that I WILL get past this and I WILL wake up tomorrow and dammit... I WILL love myself one day... hopefully... I'm at work so I have to go now. Thanks for lisening :)

[Kitkat22]

thanx very much for everything. My boyfriend and I are good. I haven't been so good lately. I don't know why but I've started having suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. I used to have them all the time but I got myself out of the habit. It seems more and more that I am slipping back into that thought process. Which i know is wrong. I tried to kill myself like 4 or 5 years ago and I had to spend 3 weeks in a mental hospital. That whole thing helped. With learning ways to help yourself feel better and stuff. I don't know I kinda feel like giving up sometimes. but then I just look at chris and listen to his words and somehow it just makes things better. He brought up the fact that I cry alot and this hurt my feelings really bad. He told me that I cry all the time, more than a baby.. and he's right.. lately I've been crying a lot more. But then when I think about the name "baby" and "loser" and all that I WANT to stop crying sooo... bad. it almost makes me feel a little insane. IDK why I'm telling you this. It doesn't really matter. I'm really starting to scare myself though with the bad thoughts. I have a dog.. Lillea Faerie (pronounced Lilly Fairy) and everytime I want to kill myself I think of her and how lost and scared she would be without me. I could never do that to her. And then I think about chris.. and his smile and love.. and all of his "goodness".. and it brings me back to earth for a second. I'm starting to wonder if I'll get worse. But I think it's all a mindframe.. I need to tell myself that I WILL get past this and I WILL wake up tomorrow and dammit... I WILL love myself one day... hopefully... I'm at work so I have to go now. Thanx for lisening :)

Please get those thoughts out of your head! It really worries me. God gave us our life and he gave it to us for a reason. I think you need to ask yourself this question; why am I having these thoughts? The people who abused you when you were little; have you confronted them? Don't let them win! You have a nice guy and I'll bet you're very pretty. He thinks so. Read your Bible and ask God to lead you through this! When you have these thoughts just recite John3:16 and tell yourself I AM WORTH BEING LOVED AND BEING HAPPY! Please keep posting. There so many people on this forum who can help you. Promise you will! :)

[Kitkat22]

Just checking in on you. Be sure you keep posting. We will help you get through this. Okay?