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88sunflower · Feb 25, 2010, 07:10 AM

Okay, I'm upset everyone. I probably shouldn't mention this here but I have to.

I just got a PM from someone that frequents this thread. I consider this person a friend. We don't seem to be online at the same times often, but when we are I've always thought that we like each other, that we're friendly to each other.

This person is also a friend on Facebook. She just PM'd me saying that I blocked her on Facebook and she's hurt, doesn't understand why. I didn't block her. I don't even know how to do that. I got the same message from Joe yesterday. Just so everyone knows, I haven't blocked anyone from Facebook. I don't know what's going on with that, but it's not me.

She also said she asked for my help a while back and I did nothing to help her, that I never even said "I'm sorry, I'm too busy". Well, I've had a lot on my mind lately, more then I've told all of you and no, I don't want to talk about it now, but I honestly don't remember what she asked for.

Now she says she's leaving the site and "I guess you got your wish. One more person is done with this site. I never felt welcomed here to start and the few genuine friends I did make I talk with off here now." I have no idea where this is coming from.

I PM'd her back but I don't think she's online anymore and I'm hoping she'll come here, read this and at least talk to me about it.

I'm sorry that I can't give everyone one on one attention. If that's why she didn't feel welcome then I apologize. I didn't realize that I hadn't welcomed her. I felt that she was part of the group and fit in very well. I guess I was wrong.

The weird thing is that her and I don't chat that much, so why she feels snubbed by me, I don't know.

I'm at a loss here.

Am I really this bad? Am I supposed to make everyone feel all warm and cuddly, despite what's going on in my life? I guess so.

Maybe I should take a break from AMHD. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of people getting their feelings hurt because I don't say hi to them when I post, or don't PM them.

I have a life too. I have enough going on in my life. I don't need to be responsible for someone else's happiness too.

I'm really upset about this.

Just needed to get it out because I really don't think this was justified and I'm hurt. I'm also a bit angry because I didn't do what she said I did and I'm a bit upset that everyone seems to think that I should drop everything in my life just to help them. I have problems too. Just fyi. Right now it's overwhelming, so I'm sorry if I haven't had time to help you. Right now I'm trying to help myself. Selfish, I know. So be it.

It was me who did it as I am sure most of you now know. I snapped but truly it had nothing to do with you personally Alty. I am truly sorry. Seriously maybe I need to start a thread because I know that Facebook thing is stupid and I am not that immature that it bothered me. But I am having this total mental breakdown in my life and when I saw that I wasnt in the best of moods and I thought f@#k her...even though truly I knew it meant nothing. I am sitting here in tears and shaking fiercly as I type this so forgive me for spelling if there is any.

I dont know whats gotten in to me. I feel like every thing is out of control in my life right now. I feel super depressed all the time. I went to the gym and cried on the treadmill after I sent Alty that PM. I knew it was wrong. I have this stupid medical thing going on and I think its stress related from this job and my boss. Its happening several times a week and sometimes more then once a day. I have to get out of this job and there are no jobs out there for me. He still bugs me and thats stressing me out. Which if you all remember when I was new here he is the root of alot of my problems. I want to quit and can't afford it. He is almost at stalker level and I can't take it. I am always looking over my shoulder like he is behind me.

I dont even know what I am typing right now because I am in this huge ball of nerves. I really feel I should go to a doctor but what if they say I am crazy? I am not crazy! Life has just gotten to me and right now I am not handlingit well. Maybe I am in a depression and I need somethign I dont know.

Alty I am truly sorry I lashed out at you. It wasnt you personally, it was only because I happen to look and I saw that block and that for some reason in my fragile mood at that time pushed the wrong button. I know your life doesnt evolve around this site. None of our lives do. I wish I could be here more. I wish I could help more. But I cant. Then I think who am I to help others when I was a tramp on here for advice cheating to. I dont need personal attention from you or anyone. I am sorry if thats how I made you feel. I would love to start a thread for me but honestly I dont know where to list it or what my issues are. I just know I am falling apart it seems like. I need a tissue!

Please forgive me everyone. I am so so so sorry.

HistorianChick · Feb 25, 2010, 07:16 AM

We all have times in our lives that we feel we're completely out of control. I know that you are a good person and that you'll make it through this.

This apology is heartfelt, sincere, and truly honest... you, my dear, are brave. It took a lot of courage to do this, and for that, I know you will be blessed.

Keep your chin up - I'm here for you. :)

88sunflower · Feb 25, 2010, 07:22 AM

Thank you so much HC. I am crying so hard right now. Not just for what I did but life really has cracked me up. Ugh I can't cry I am at work.

I felt so bad. I just snapped. Wrote the PM closed my laptop and went to work out. What a mess on the treadmill I was. Not because of her or what I was thinking, just me and the fact that I can't handle some stresses right now.

HistorianChick · Feb 25, 2010, 07:26 AM

You know Alty, she is a kind-hearted, sincere woman who truly cares about her friends. I know that your apology will mean a lot and that she will extend you forgiveness and that hand of friendship. She is like that - she's a good person.

Is there any way that you can just get away from it all for the weekend? I mean, find a spa or a "secret get-away" and pamper yourself? It sounds like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders... and that is never a good place to be.

If you can't get away, can you just stay home and live in the bathtub all weekend? Seriously though, it sounds like you need some relaxation and de-stress.

Stringer · Feb 25, 2010, 07:27 AM

I agree with HC, there is always stress in our lives and now things have gotten even worse for so many of us from other outside pressures.

You are a good person and this apology shows that Sunny. I am sure that Alty will appreciate this. :)

88sunflower · Feb 25, 2010, 07:33 AM

I just am not a strong person any more and I can't handle it. So many things have built up and keep building. Now to top it off I get migranes, so the doctor is saying. I am sure its stress related because the second I walk in this dam job it starts. I am not even kidding. I go back to the doctor on March 16. I need stronger medicine. What he prescribed isn't even touching them. Some days it happens twice to me.

Cat1864 · Feb 25, 2010, 07:33 AM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Thank you so much HC. I am crying so hard right now. Not just for what I did but life really has cracked me up. Ugh I can't cry I am at work.

I felt so bad. I just snapped. Wrote the PM closed my laptop and went to work out. What a mess on the treadmill I was. Not because of her or what I was thinking, just me and the fact that I can't handle some stresses right now.

Sunny, I wish there was a way to give you a hug right now. You sound like you really need one.

It is of course up to you to share what you want to in a way that can help you work through it. I know that I will offer any help I can even it is just an ear to listen.

88sunflower · Feb 25, 2010, 07:34 AM

You know why I know I am officially over the edge. I sit here and type and I don't even know what I am typing. I know what I want to say but its not coming out. It's a huge ball of mush.

Cat1864 · Feb 25, 2010, 07:36 AM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

You know why I know I am officially over the edge. I sit here and type and I dont even know what I am typing. I know what I want to say but its not coming out. Its a huge ball of mush.

Would it help to make a list?

HistorianChick · Feb 25, 2010, 07:37 AM

Can you take a personal day, Sunny? Is there any way that you can just go home and try to get your feet back under you?

88sunflower · Feb 25, 2010, 07:37 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Sunny, I wish there was a way to give you a hug right now. You sound like you really need one.

It is of course up to you to share what you want to in a way that can help you work through it. I know that I will offer any help I can even it is just an ear to listen.

God I never should have started this thread on a work morning. The tears are flowing they won't stop and I have installers on there way here for some jobs.

Help? I would love it but I don't know what to share or where to start.

88sunflower · Feb 25, 2010, 07:39 AM

OK give me a bit.
I need to get my crap together. My eyes are as red as my sweater right now. I have to stop these tears.

I will be back on a few.

Cat1864 · Feb 25, 2010, 07:40 AM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

OK give me a bit.
I need to get my crap together. My eyes are as red as my sweater right now. I have to stop these tears.

I will be back on a few.

Take your time. :)

88sunflower · Feb 25, 2010, 08:09 AM

OK one installer gone.
Tears done. Eyes red, but that's fine.

Thank you guys. I wish she would come on and see I am sorry.

Is there any beer in this thread? Its my thread, yes there is... crack.

HistorianChick · Feb 25, 2010, 08:30 AM

Is there any beer in this thread? Its my thread, yes there is... crack.

Even better... friends who care. :)

We're here. Alty will see this soon... Don't worry.

88sunflower · Feb 25, 2010, 08:37 AM

I might have to mail her a Walmart vest. Oh and don't think I wouldn't. Name tag and all.

Synnen · Feb 25, 2010, 09:07 AM

Sunny--It's still early where she is. Give her a little time, and I'm sure she'll be here giving you hugs.

Take a deep breath. Eat a piece of chocolate (well, that helps ME anyway!).

Your doctor is NOT going to tell you that you're crazy. Believe me--I had a complete and total breakdown less than a month ago, and was nearly homocidal. My doctor just gave me a hug and asked me why I hadn't come to her sooner for help.

Crazy is as crazy does--and they can HELP the kind of crazy you've got.

Just remember that AMHD is here to HELP--but we can only help you when you talk to us :)

88sunflower · Feb 25, 2010, 09:26 AM

Thank you Synnen. It's the worse feeling though isn't it? One minute I am fine and the next I am just ready to snap on who ever crosses my path. Doesn't matter who or where it is. I have noticed going to the gym helps and that's my time. In fact that's my only private time and I do enjoy it.

I wouldn't even know what to tell a doctor. Maybe I am bipolar. I think mostly its this job and my boss. Not so much my actual job, but him personally. I can't remember if you were part of my other threads when I was new. But I got involved in a situation and it sucked. I have my marriage back on track and we are doing fine. We are working hard at it. But I have this stress here at work from him and I can't take it. He hovers here and I don't have one dam second alone. No one would notice I am sure but after about noon time I am not on here anymore because he is here and just suffocating me. I try to be civil since its my job but he still pursues me and I just can't get it in his head to stop. I know this is part of my problem because I can go home and I am fine. The second I walk in these doors my head starts, my body tenses and I just gggrr... One morning I cracked and drank 3/4 bottle of wine by 930am.

Synnen · Feb 25, 2010, 09:45 AM

Have you talked to HR about this?

You are in a hostile work environment, and if HR doesn't make it stop, it can have some serious reprecussions.

As to what to tell your doctor---tell her everything! Tell her how you feel, tell her what's going on in your mind, tell her about your headaches, your panic attacks, your anxiety--ALL of it. It doesn't matter if it's not coherent and put together and makes perfect sense. Your doctor's JOB is to help you sort through it all and figure out what you need to do to be better!

88sunflower · Feb 25, 2010, 09:56 AM

Well if there was an HR department that would be great. It's a private business he owns. He is the one, he is the owner the boss the HR the everything.

You hit it right with panick attacks and anxieties and all of that. I go from one end to the other constantly. I sit here some days and my heart starts racing and I think its going to jump out of my chest.

OK its my time. I am going to the gym. I love it there. So peaceful. If I am not back on in an hour its because he is here. I will be back in the morning to talk.

Thank you so much everyone. I am not a bad person really.