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JerseyGirl609 · Feb 22, 2010, 04:43 PM

I have a 20 year old son living at home who does nothing but yell at me disrespect curse at me and does not have a job he plays video games all day I have 2 jobs and attend college at night I am 40 If I don't pay his phone bill and get agitated and start disrespecting me in anyway he can he always want to know when I get paid so I can give him money and pay his bills I cannot take it anymore, he does not understand that what he is doing is wrong what can I DO!!

twinkiedooter · Feb 22, 2010, 04:46 PM

If he does nothing why are you paying his cell bill? I know jobs are tough to get right now but being rude and disrespectful to you is definitely wrong. Does he at least do SOME housework at all? Or am I dreaming on that subject?

You need to explain to him that since he is an adult you are not obligated to support him any longer and you don't wish to keep having him stay at home and play video games on your dime any longer. Either get out and start looking for a job in earnest or start looking for another place to crash real soon.

Jake2008 · Feb 22, 2010, 08:37 PM

Jersey Girl, it is important that you start to think about how you are allowing this behaviour. It is not so much what he does to you, it is what you accept him to do to you. He has learned that he gets all his needs met by intimidating you.

While there are calm waters after you give in, and pay his bills, you know that the temporary peace in the house is only temporary. He will always need what you have always given him, and what he has learned to expect.

He is not a child at age 20. By keeping yourself in this continuous loop of bailing him out, he has no incentive to grow up. He needs to know the satisfaction and feeling of accomplishment to supporting himself, which he has not yet learned. In other words, you are not doing him any favours by providing for him, what he should easily be able to provide for himself.

If your goal is to see him out and on his own, you will need a plan, and you'll have to stick to it.

Let him know that he has 'x' amount of time to find a place to live, and hopefully a job. He will have to apply for social assistance and housing if he is unable to do so after the required time. There are many resources available to him, and he will have to find a way to secure housing, and an income. Not you.

I would have a close friend, or relative with you when you tell him that you expect him to be out, and when. Be very clear that you will not tolerate any negotiating. Have someone there also when the day comes that he leaves.

Take your life back. Your parenting years are over, and you deserve peace in your own home. He may not realize it now, but you are doing the most loving thing you can possibly do for him, and that is allowing him to become a man.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 22, 2010, 08:41 PM

I have no idea why you posted this in "children, I will be moving this shortly.

He has not be a child for many many years, which may be part of the issue, you see him as a child and treat him as one.

He is a lazy grown man, who needs to get off his rear. He does this because you allow it to happen.

So he gets upset, let him be upset, don't pay a single bill of his, and if he wants it he has to get a job.

He has to do all of his own laundry, and clean up after hisself.

You tell him what he is going to do, and that any behavior that is disrespectful will no longer be allowed or he will be out.

And at the end of it, you may have to evict him and let him learn how tought it is in the real world

CarrotTalker · Feb 22, 2010, 09:15 PM

What does your son yell at you about?

Kitkat22 · Feb 22, 2010, 09:17 PM

:confused:

I don't think you realize you are an enabler. The only thing he is ever going to expect from society is a free ride. Tough Love is letting your children know they have to grow up and get a job. If you are always paying his bills and taking his verbal abuse then shame on you! YOU ARE THE PARENT! A good swift kick in the hind end might be what he needs.::mad:

Gemini54 · Feb 23, 2010, 12:17 AM

It's simple, but it's hard.

Stop being his mommy. Let him know that it's time to grow up - "hey honey, I've been your mommy for ages - now you can start being a man, guess what? You're moving out".

The only way to change his behavior is to change yours. That means allowing him to make his own way in life and not paying for him.

What sort of husband is he going to make if you continue to allow him to bully you and sponge off you?

Gird your loins, grit your teeth and tell him.

He'll hate you for it initially, but eventually he'll thank you.

Kitkat22 · Feb 23, 2010, 11:29 AM

I hope the advice you have been given will help you. I don't know what I would have done had one of my kids ever cursed at me or disrespected me in yelling or throwing tantrums. They did their share of pouting and slamming doors and not speaking cause they didn't agree with some of the things we didn't allow them to do.

Your son needs to get out and see what the real world is like, without Mommy holding his hand. What does his Dad do when he throws a baby tantrum?