[codykent1226]

I'm 22 years old and a virgin. I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years and we yet to have sex. When we first got together in high school, she told me she wanted to wait until marriage to have sex and at the time I agreed. But as time has gone on, it's become extremely difficult to wait.

My girlfriend is very pretty, but she's been very sheltered and has admitted to having a fear of sex. It's hard for me because as time goes on, I want it more and more but she still want's to wait. What's worst I think is that she has no desire for it. She doesn't have fantasies, She doesn't masturbate. She actually seems really comfortable with just making out.

We're both college students now. And she's told me many times that she wants to wait until we have careers before we get married. So with marriage not happening anytime soon, I'm confused as to how long I'm going to have to wait. And I'm really afraid of waiting until marriage and finding that even after losing her virginity, she still has no sex drive.

I've talked to her about this many times and explained to her how important sex is to a relationship, but I don't think she really get's it. She agrees with me and assures me that one day she'll be more into the idea of sex. But it just seems like she's telling me that so I won't get upset.

I love her very much, but I'm at wits end. I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up with her, but I don't want to spend my life with someone who hates sex.

Is this normal? Do girls have to have sex before developing a sex drive? Is it possible that even after sex she'll still not like it? Should I marry her with out having sex with her first? What should I do??

[Fr_Chuck]

There is no one "girls" way of doing things, some girls sleep with any man they meet on the first date ( or even without the date, just hooking up) others will want to wait till marriage, and 100's of standards between.

It is possible that she has desires, but culture keeps her from talking about it. Or she has been raised that sex is not something you talk about or do until marriage and then it is just something you "have to do"

Anything is possible, but you marry someone because you love them, sex is a part of marriage but not all of it

[Catsmine]

If you're patient, and take your time on the wedding night, and make it about her, you may find a volcano sleeping beside you.

If you rush, you can also find yourself sleeping next to an iceberg for the rest of your life.

It's difficult, it's frustrating, and sometimes you think you're going to explode, but it can be worth it.

Research pleasuring a woman. Study a martial art that emphasizes pressure points and nerve junctions. Understand how touch works. You can have heaven, and it can be worth the wait.

[JoeCanada76]

Sex is not the most important part of a relationship.

Oh and if you get frustrated, why not just masturbate. To relieve some of your pent up tension.

Believe me if you truly truly love her with all your heart then it should not matter how long you have to wait in order to be intimate with her.

[Alty]

Girls point of view here. ;)

She never talks about sex. She's uncomfortable talking about sex. She doesn't masturbate, she doesn't fantasize. Are you sure? If all this is true then there may be trouble but I'm willing to bet that she does indeed do all the things you think she's not doing, she's just not comfortable talking about them.

I'm more worried about the lack of communication then I am about the lack of sex. If she's not comfortable talking to you about sex now then it likely won't change when you're married.

She may just be scared. She may have been raised to believe that sex is only for married people. Fine, great, but not to fantasize, that's a big red flag.

Is she very religious? Are you?

[jmjoseph]

If you're patient, and take your time on the wedding night, and make it about her, you may find a volcano sleeping beside you.

If you rush, you can also find yourself sleeping next to an iceberg for the rest of your life.

It's difficult, it's frustrating, and sometimes you think you're going to explode, but it can be worth it.

Research pleasuring a woman. Study a martial art that emphasizes pressure points and nerve junctions. Understand how touch works. You can have heaven, and it can be worth the wait.

It's funny Cats, you said volcano, I was thinking avalanche. I think that when she does have that first sexual experience, or the second or ninth, she will be making up for lost time. You made the deal, you stick to it. Nowadays it is refreshing to see people who are so committed to each other to wait for that next level of intimacy.

I'm sure it's hard( no pun intended), but hang in there. True love is worth all the cold showering.

And if you're wondering if I waited until marriage, no I didn't. But I didn't make a pact then either.

You are lucky to have found a soul mate so early. Don't push the matter, and don't cheat while you wait.

Hang in there. Good luck.

[Cat1864]

It sounds to me like she is very carefully trying NOT to tempt herself or you. She may not be willing to talk about fantasy, masturbation, or sex in general because she doesn't want to be a 'tease'.

I find it refreshing to hear about an individual who doesn't believe that only vaginal intercourse counts as 'sex'.

I have this feeling that when you attempt to discuss 'sex' with her there may be an underlying thought of changing her mind.

You might try thinking about it this way: She doesn't seem to be intentionally arousing you and then pleading 'vows' as a way of not doing anything. She is being consistent and true to her word. That speaks volumes about her strength of character.

Another thought is this: Could you handle any guilt she might feel if she did 'give in'? Could you handle her possibly blaming you for 'making' her break her vow of celibacy before marriage?

One last thought: What would you do if she accidentally got pregnant before she finished school or had a job?

[codykent1226]

Ok so, just to make this clear, I don't want to pressure her into sex. In a way, I would like to wait too. I mean if we waited this long, we might as well just stick it out right? I don't want kids any time soon and neither does she.

I really just wanted to know about the sex drive. Is it normal for her not to have a desire for sex?

I fell that we're both pretty attractive & she's told me how attractive she thinks I am, So I don't think it has anything to do with my physicality.

She's was brought up in a house that never talked about sex. The only thing she knew about sex was that you do it to have babies and it's going to hurt the first time you do it. But since we've been dating I've informed her a lot and answered a lot of her questions and made her feel a little more comfortable with the idea. We've been together for 5 years, so we've had plenty of conversations about it. Yet, I still get the vibe that she's not & won't ever be that into it.

I want to wait. I do. But I want to know that it's going to be worth the wait. I want to know that when the time comes she'll be into it.

AND MORE THEN ANYTHING I just want to know that she wants to do it. It's seems really strange to me that a healthy, sexy 21 year old has no desire for sex. I think If I knew she at least fantasied about it, I'd feel better.

[Alty]

You really need to talk to her about this, express your concerns to her. Only she can answer these questions. We can only guess.

Is she going to be a firecracker in bed? She may be. Is she going to hate sex? That could happen too. That's not something any of us can tell you with any accuracy.

Talk to her. You two obviously have a strong relationship, if you can't talk to her about this then there are problems, more then just sex.

Let us know how it goes.

Good luck.

[Gemini54]

I share your concerns. If this is the girl that you're going to marry then you'll want to be communicating a whole lot better than you are at the moment - and that means LISTENING to each other.

She's telling you she doesn't want sex at the moment, you're telling her that you're concerned about it. But you don't seem to be listening to each other.

It seems that what she's not saying is as important as what she is saying - and it's the same with you. It sounds like you're really concerned about the long term implications of being celibate until marriage, she sounds scared to think about them.

I suggest counseling. Really - it feels as if you both need a neutral third party to guide you through your concerns and get you talking to each other honestly.

I wouldn't even be thinking of sex or even marriage until you can communicate your real feelings to each other effectively.

[c23]

Anything is possible, but you marry someone because you love them, sex is a part of marriage but not all of it

Totally agree