[Meanmother]

My daughter is 23. She has a 5 month old daughter.She's in recovery (been clean from drugs for a year)She makes horrible choices with her life.Her credit is shot. The man (he's 40) that is the father of her daughter is an addict and still has the dream of being a rock star. They are physically abusive and verbally abusive to each other so I let her move back in with me to protect my granchild.She is disrespectful to me and my husband (her stepfather). She calls me names and yells and throws tantrums. I had been through enough today and she threw a fit and moved out... back with the idiot. I just realized I don't like her. I love her because she is my daughter, but I can't stand to be around her. What kindof mother am I? I wouldn't ever be friends with her if she weren't my child. What is wrong with me??

[JoeCanada76]

Do you think you did your best in raising your daughter? Do you think you taught her to make the right choices in life? We all have our own decisions to make, but no matter what you always love your children. You might not like the choices they make in life but it is not up to you to make them for her. She needs to make them on her own. My suggestion though is if there is such a problem with abuse and drugs then you could probably try for custody of your grandchild?

Joe

[Bluerose]

Meanmother,

You are not responsible for your daughter's choices. We bring them up to let them go. Sometimes the hardest thing for us to do is to step back and let them get on with their life. Especially when they don't seem to be doing such a good job of it. Our children need to chalk up their own experiences and learn from their own mistakes. It's a very sad fact but all we can do sometimes as parents is to stand back and be prepared to pick up the pieces.

If I may, avoid any confrontation with her. It will be difficult but try to just be there for her and her daughter. But remember, the more you do for her the less she will do for herself and her daughter. It's very hard but sometimes we just need to be an earpiece - listen and encourage but try not to become too involved in her life. She has to work it out for herself.

She has been drug free for a year - she's trying. As for the abuse towards you and your husband, don't put up with it. Set boundaries. And refuse to rise to her bait. Let her know that you are not prepared to listen to what she has to say until she calms down and speaks in a normal voice - be firm stick with what you decide you will stand for and what you won't.

[phillysteakandcheese]

In addition to the good advice you've already received, let me add that:

There's nothing wrong with you, and you are not a "bad" mother.

You raised your daughter to adulthood. She is an adult and is making her own choices.
Accept that you don't like her choices, even though you love her very much.

[isabelle]

I don't think you are a bad mother... It sounds as if you are a very caring mother. As parents we will always love our children, but we can not choose the paths they take in life.. . stay open to her... maybe one day you and she can have a relationship.
I have been through a lot with my oldest son.. I do not understand the things he has done but I am starting to accept it and keep my end open, if he ever decides to grow up and maybe he will want to talk to me again.
There has been very good advice on this board for you... just don't beat yourself up over things you can not control.

[lovelesspa]

My daughter is 23. She has a 5 month old daughter.She's in recovery (been clean from drugs for a year)She makes horrible choices with her life.Her credit is shot. The man (he's 40) that is the father of her daughter is an addict and still has the dream of being a rock star. They are physically abusive and verbally abusive to each other so I let her move back in with me to protect my granchild.She is disrespectful to me and my husband (her stepfather). She calls me names and yells and throws tantrums. I had been through enough today and she threw a fit and moved out ...back with the idiot. I just realized I don't like her. I love her because she is my daughter, but I can't stand to be around her. What kindof mother am I? I wouldn't ever be friends with her if she weren't my child. What is wrong with me???

There is nothing wrong with you, but with your daughter. Her addicitions. If she's in your home, then her problems became yours. Her anger is from the same frustration you feel. She knows what she is doing is ruining her left but she hasn't gotten control over it... yet. Your daughter and granddaughter are your only concerns, Let the past be that, if things are constantly being thrown back at her, the famous, "if only's"... (you had dated this guy, if only you, didn't quit school... ) You both will never reach that next step. I would try again, and again to "talk" to her, when the fits or yelling, or name calling start, walk away. Tell her your there for her, but you'll wait until she calms down enough to talk and listen. I'm sure you don't like her right now, but she needs you, keep trying!:)

[s_cianci]

There's not a thing wrong with you. You did the exact right thing by letting her go. You don't need that kind of aggravation and drama in your life. I'd have done the same thing.

[eleanor95]

Please don't feel your on your own ihave the sameproblem I can't forgive my daughter lying stealing you name I feel so helpless but I now relise that's the way she is and I'm so different. I ptay for mothers like you and me I send my love