[happydazy]

Hi, I've known this guy for about two years. At first we were strictly friends and would sometimes meet up for lunch/dinner. However, we started going out in October '09 (detail: he asked me out via email). Things seemed to be going well, he even introduced me to his co-workers as his girlfriend (although I had no clue we were at that point in our relationship... ). I spent the funnest New Year's Eve with him, we had such a great time. But then, a couple days later we had a disagreement. He came over to visit me and I asked him to spend the night (that was on a weekend) and he said he couldn't. He wanted to go home to check his mail and rest... and he was going to a football game with friends (he never mentioned who they were) the following morning. So I told him I just wished he would've stayed since I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks and it was hard for me to be emotionally close to someone who's not really available during the week (we live about 1.5 hours apart and almost never spoke on the phone, just occasionally via text), and he suggested that maybe we should go back to being friends. He asked me if I wanted to think about it and I said no. A relationship is made of two people and I shouldn't be the only one making a decision. Also, if I had to think about being with someone, then maybe we shouldn't be together. So... he left... although, on his way out, he asked if I wanted to meet up the following weekend. "Huh?" I thought to myself, "Didn't we just break up?" I haven't seen him since but we have been trying to meet up. I sent him an email talking about how I was doing and he replied saying that we should meet up and that he would call. He never did. I sent him a text a couple days later asking him out and he replied saying he couldn't that weekend but would be available the next, and he emailed me suggesting a day for us to meet up. Unfortunately, I wasn't available. So I suggested a different weekend and he said Feb. 13th. That's Valentine's Day weekend, OK... but whatever. We were supposed to go watch a movie and hang out. Then, he invites me to this concert in his hometown - he has no idea about the band performing but thinks we should go check it out. Ok, cool - but I don't know if that's an indirect invite for me to spend the night, since we live far from each other and the concert was going to end late, or if he expected me to drive back that night... anyway, I didn't have the chance to find out his intentions. Sadly enough he canceled the day before because a family member passed away and so he was going to be out of town for the service. I tried to call and express my condolences but he did not call back. However, on V-day I got a text from him wishing a happy valentine's day. Don't think it was a mass text because it included my name... but I hate to think that I am still lost and unsure of his feelings. And yes, I do like him and I want to be with him... just not sure I am ready to have the "girlfriend" label. Just want to take things slow since we're in our mid-20's and still focused on our careers... thank you so much for your thoughts!

[I wish]

I'm still a bit in the dark about this. Aren't you two broken up? In which case it doesn't matter if he still likes you.
It seems as though neither of you are willing to go through with a long-distance relationship. Look at this: You're already having trouble getting together just as friends, and barely keep in contact via text or email. I wouldn't read too much into the valentine's day text either, unless it was followed with a kiss or something more intimate.
It seems to me there are four problems here.

Miscommunication. Are you two broken up? It seems as though you are, and you act like just friends. He's given no indication that he wants to be more, just that he'd like to get together.

Long-Distance: Long distance is something you seem to be dreading. If you don't want a long-distance relationship, don't pursue him.

Labels: If you're not into labels, tell him if and when you start dating that you're just not comfortable being labelled as his girlfriend and just introduce you as "Your name" and 'The person I'm seeing'

Hesitation: You're hesitating. You're the one who broke up with him. If you want him, go for him.

[JBeaucaire]

... he suggested that maybe we should go back to being friends. He asked me if I wanted to think about it and I said no. A relationship is made of two people and I shouldn't be the only one making a decision.

I have to point out that it only takes one person to end a "relationship" and take you back to the "just friends" stage.

I hope it's clear to you that this is what happened. Like it or not, regardless of your opinion on the topic, you two are at most friends now.

How good of friends you are, that depends on how well you deal with accepting the reality of this situation. If you keep dogging it trying to make it into something it's not, well, you won't make a very good friend.

But that's up to you.

Your "girlfriend" label is shelved until you've been seeing the NEXT guy for many months, then you can take it down and consider it again.

[jaime90]

I'm confused, do you want a relationship with this guy or not? I think you need to decide what you want, and let him know. If you don't want to be in a relationship, you need to get your point across. This mean NO RELATIONSHIP. Let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no." There are no in-betweens.


It also was a little weird that you declined his suggestion to talk about a disagreement. Communication is the a big part of a healthy relationship. If you aren't willing to sit down, and resolve conflicts openly and honestly, you shouldn't be involved with anyone until you can.

Also, about the long distance thing. You need to realize that if you are in a relationship with someone, and you wouldn't still be with them even if you couldn't SEE, HEAR, or TOUCH them, then there really is no true love and commitment in that relationship. Your "love" for this man was not unconditional. It seems like you were putting more than a little pressure on him.