[eduinlove]

Ok, it's a little confusing and yes I'm still confused. I'll try and be brief. Basically she had been txt messaging with an EX sending dirty messages and pictures back and forth for close to 5 months. I was only getting suspicious around the last month of Dec 2009. Two days into the new year we got into a major fight and agreed that we both needed a week off from each other to calm down. The day after the fight I was still at her house getting ready for work, she had left already, and I noticed she had left her cell phone behind, I didn't want to snoop, because I knew it was an invasion of privacy, however I was too curious and after a bad fight, I don't always think ahead. So after finding the messages, I was heart broken of course and basically wanted immediate answers instead of calming down and waiting (hopefully) for her to realize something else was wrong. When she got home she called me and thanked me for shoveling her driveway and walkway (I did this before finding the messages) I then asked her if she was surprised at where her phone was left? At first she said no, then after I asked "it's not weird that I left it on your pillow?" she then responded in "oh....hmmm, maybe you saw some stuff on my phone that you didn't expect to see?" I told her I had and that I saw everything. She told me it was innocent, that her ex lived in another state, and that it was not in her mind cheating, rather it was to help improve our sex life. (Basically that had been going down hill for awhile and I was concerned for why she was not wanting it as much as I was)

She didn't apologize that night on the phone and seemed to have no remorse or wanting to fix her mistake. Instead she hung up on me. So, being a stupid guy, I got desperate to talk with her, let her know how I was truly feeling, and ask her if she wanted to fix things. She didn't pickup and so 4 days later, because I was so confused whether it was cheating or not I posted this question on a social networking site: "If you have ever been cheated on, or have been a cheater, what words and thoughts come to mind"? I forgot her friend was friend of mine on the site and she sure enough relayed the message to the GF. Now I never mentioned my GF's name, nor said "MY GF CHEATED ON ME" but when she found out, she told me what I did was much worse than what she had done. And that's when she asked for "space" for a little while until she calmed down and could discuss things in a civilized manner.

For the rest of the month, I was perplexed by this word "space" in relationships before, either I had broken up the girl or vice versa. But never thought to use such an open ended word as "space" I'm still perplexed because she told me in two different letters that she then wanted a "clean break" but then changed her mind back to "space".

Anyway I agreed to give her space starting the last week of January. She asked me not to call her, unless it was an emergency. Try to refrain from txting her. And that we could keep in touch here and there on e-mail. She then ended the conversation with " I love you and I really hope we can make this work at some point" (or at least that's what I believe she said)

So if you can't tell I want her back. (Yes, I'm probably being uber stupid, but I'm still in love with her, I've given up on relations in the past, but I really wanted to marry this one) I've been reading lots of books and posts about not contacting her as well as learning more about how men and women coexist (Men are from mars, Women are from Venus is great book, there should be courses in college based of this book). I have been also doing the things recommend to men: getting back in shape, working on my own goals, finding out what might have irked her in the relationship and fixing them for a possible future with her or someone else, hanging out and meeting new friends, etc.. Basically getting my mind off thinking about her and hopefully sending out a vibe that I'm doing better. A great quote I have been reciting in my head is "fake it, till you make it".

Now finally this is where my question comes in. Thank you FOR TAKING YOUR TIME TO READ ALL OF THE ABOVE. IT IS TRULY APPRECIATED.

She mentioned that she would call on my birthday that's coming up. And I'm real nervous about keeping my cool and not showing her I'm thinking about her. She knows from the past that when ever she has called I usually pick up right away. I've read that I should let her call go to voice mail and then call her back within 15-20mins. When I do call or should I just pick up because she might think something is up if I don't pick up?
I have all of these questions that I'm still confused by. What should I say or not say? Should I be very brief? Should I even call her back at all? (I've read that she start to worry, but my EX is smart, I think she'll just brush it off)

Please help! I've never gone through such an emotional roller coaster. My birthday is in 3 days so answers ASAP would be much appreciated.

Again, thanks for reading and responding!

[talaniman]

Some dilemma, but basically what you have is a cooling of period. When she calls listen to what she has to say and take your time and give careful thought to what you have heard.

Frankly I am not convinced of her loyalty, or honesty, and texting an ex instead of honestly expressing herself to you (your just as guilty of not talking about your issues as she is to be fair) is a big red flag that has to be addressed.

Your real problem is being so overeager, you act impulsively, and not be a good listener.

See what she has to say, but make no promises you can't keep.

Personally I would have been gone, as I hate waiting in limbo for someone to make up their minds, when she is the one who was doing the bad behavior.

One thing I have learned is when you accept bad behavior, you get more of it.

I would also have my own plans for my birthday whether she chose to grace me with her presence or not.

As I said quite a dilemma. Just be cool with it, and see what's on her mind.

[simplewisdom88]

After I read this all I could say was WHAT??

She shouldn't have this much control over you after messing up like that. YOU were the one that got hurt. She's extremely smart and after talking to some of my friends (all chicks) about this we all came to the same conclusion.

Plan something fun with all your friends, invite other girls, and have fun. When she calls you let the phone ring a couple times and when you pick up sound like you're busy and doing a bunch of fun stuff and pick up like you don't know who it is. Pretend like you're not even thinking about her (Fake it like your life depends on it). Flippantly answer her questions and pretend like she's just another girl, then tell her that you have to go. Think about what she did to motivate you.

That is going to cause a powershift. It will be immediate. If you have friends in common, make sure they see you or know that you know other girls and see other girls. They will tell her and she WILL feel bad.

What she did was horrible. Do NOT let her get away with it or she will do worse and expect to control you. Let her feel like you are slipping through her fingers.

You sound like a great guy and I hope you have a great birthday. If she doesn't call, have the time of your life because SHE messed up, not you. ^__^

[talaniman]

She shouldn't have this much control over you after messing up like that.

That's a great point, She sure flipped the script on you.

[mistyjane]

This girl is very smart like you said and she seems to know you very well.
She just sent all those text messages to her ex or whatever and she says what she did was not bad , she doesn't apologies or anything and now asks for space just like what she did was normal, it gets to the point where you act like you did something wrong.
But you didn't , SHE did.
She's the one who should come here and ask about what to do to get you back!! Please!!
Take a break and think about the situation.Yes it is great to busy yourself and everything but first of all you need to take time to realise this situation is obviously not your fault.
I don't know if she is going to call you or not but this girl is really playing you.She's not loyal and you should be happy that you have discovered the real her before you got engage or married .

[eduinlove]

Thank you everyone for all your wonderful support. It really means a lot when the advice that was provided is thoughtful and to the point. I'm trying hard not to think of her today on Valentine's, though I would love to just say hi. I have learned a few tricks over the past month in keeping me from contacting her. Basically I say "The real you would call her", but do the opposite and don't. It's simple, but it's been working. As well as thinking about if I contact her, what do I gain and what do I lose. And for all the times I wanted to that have passed, I would have lost the most important thing MY PRIDE.

Still, I'm very anxious about tomorrow. When she'll call. Should I pick up right away or call back within a few minutes? Should I tell her anything I have learned about myself or should I stay quite and let her just say "Happy Birthday" "I'll talk to you sometime in the future".

And I'm still wondering if I should just finish what she couldn't do because she was too much of coward? Should I say it's over? (even though, for some ridiculous reason I still want to fix things) Will she say "Fine, I was just taking some time to calm down, but if that's what you want then so be it"... argggghhhh, I hate these games. I hate not knowing.

Again... thank you everyone and wish me the best of luck on my 31st birthday.

[talaniman]

Why even answer her call? Why even be waiting for it? Maybe reading what you have written would help you answer those questions.

Let review -

She has been flirting with the ex for months
She see nothing wrong and doesn't care if your upset
She goes on a break and thinks you're an idiot.
She makes this your fault.
She says leave her alone, and she will let you know when she will grace you with her presence.

And on your side we have,
You chomping at the bit waiting for her to call.

What's wrong with this picture?

>Harshness warning<

She is punking you bro!! I would be unavailable, and too busy for this nonsense.

REPEAT until it sinks in.

Lesson to be learned-When you accept bad behavior, you will get more of it!

Talaniman Rule-Never accept bad behavior.

If she calls, and IF you answer, no apology, no talk! I still would not want her back, as there will always be a trust issue , or without an apology!!

[eduinlove]

Thanks again talaniman, your right, I know. And I will repeat those words in my head and take your advice and ignore her call, cause like you said "If I pick up she'll know she's still in control and that she can call anytime after and I'll come running back" (at least that's what she thinks currently. I know it must be aggravating to hear a stranger being so pathetic, but all of your advice each time really helps to drill into my head. Really, I appreciate it all.

I have decided to do one more thing. Then, I'll stop asking questions and respond after tomorrow if she even calls and if she says anything peculiar in the voice mail.

The last thing I will do is post what she last wrote to me. It's long, but I still think it says something that I'm missing. Maybe it's all clear... but read on and let me know if you think any differently.


Never mind. Her letter's too long... and I'm just being ridiculous now. I just have to stop analyzing what she said to me, except the facts, and move on.

[emopunk7]

Yeah let it go.

[amicon]

Accepting the facts and stopping the overanalyzing is essential.
Focus on you now,and moving forward instead of staying stuck in the past.

Have a good birthday.

[eduinlove]

Hey everyone. I do promise I will now let it go. But I do want to share with everyone, a very useful site that I came upon early this morning of my 31st birthday.

I took a personality test (taken others before, but this one was right on the money) Quiz

And here is what I learned. Word for word. That personality type is the exact person I am. I have certain aspects I need to work on for myself and others that I will keep and be proud of. This new year has been the start of "The Education of Dan" I love learning. Check my personality overview if interested. Any feedback is always appreciated, too.

Thank you to all. I will have a great Birthday and celebrate being free of the drama!

[eduinlove]

Ok, the headline was kind of long but... wasn't sure how else to capture an audience... haha.

On to the question. So in a nutshell. My girlfriend cheated. I was willing to give her a chance to explain herself and fix things. But she decided that she wanted to dump me instead. I basically figured, after 2 months of over analyzing that she had been over me for awhile, but didn't have the cojones to break up the normal way.

A few days ago we bumped into each other. We were both civil and at the time I was actually on my way to meet a new date. The ex, told me I looked good and, and exclaimed that I would definitely impress. She knew, without me telling her that I was dating again. She tried to sound happy, but tears started to stream from her face, and being the nice and considerate BF I was with her, I reached out and brushed them from her face. I then gave her a hug and a peck on the cheek said "bye" and "I'll see you around".

Now during the past 2 months of break up or what she referred to as "space" / "a clean break". She didn't call, txt, or email unless I initiated first.

Suddenly last night, she txted me to see if I was OK after a storm had just passed. I responded "yeah, I'm fine, just some minor damage" to which she quickly replied with a very concerned tone. (keep in mind she hasn't been concerned with my well being for the past 2 months)

She then told me she had to get to sleep, but she wanted to tell me about dream she had the other night, that sounded to me like it freaked her out. She said she fell through ice on a pond we used to frequent a lot during the warmer months. We never went on during the winter, so it seemed even weirder. So I was wondering if anyone would like to share their opinions on what might be going through my ex's thoughts when she's in deep sleep. I kind of want to know, before she tells me.

I have googled falling through ice. But I prefer answers from you... and everyone else on this site.

[Kitkat22]

She's pulling your leg! Now that you have moved on she will try to draw you right back in. She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you. If she had a dream about falling through the ice, then I'm Angelina jole's twin.

She wanted to start a conversation with you and get you all torn up again. She misses the puppet she had. Stay strong as you have been.
Don't even think about falling for her line of bull!

[neverme]

She's wondering did she make a mistake as we all do when we hear that someone that we used to be with moved on.

My ex recently got engaged. Although our relationship is over for years and we both have had long term relationships and genuinely moved on, it still stung a little to hear that he was getting married?

Anyway the point I'm making is that our heart stays connected long after we have decided with our head that it is no longer working.

That's all that's going on here. I wouldn't entertain it. Try to keep is civil as it is now and contact to a minimum. Stop initiating it too. Doesn't help you, or her.

Best of Luck.

[amicon]

She realised you're moving on,so she was trying to get you back in your backup plan box again.

Ignore her-she's your ex.

If you bump in to her again.polite but busy is the way to go.

[Showme_urmove]

Yea bro they are all right, She didn't like the feeling of her knowing that you had moved on and that you were dating again, so she tried to get back in contact with you and the only way is to make the lame excuse of her dreaming that she fell into the ice. Its none of your business to be wondering what is her dream, she's the one that cheated and dumped you, so go and live your life.

[talaniman]

Let her Google her own dreams. She is putting her foot in a door you cracked open.

[Kitkat22]

Leave her alone! She is trying to mess with your mind again! DON'T FALL FOR IT!

[friend4u178]

She saw you leaving the pond buddy , so she threw a little bait back in to keep you in it. She's probably sitting there rubbing her hands together knowing she still has some control over your feelings.

[Kitkat22]

She saw you leaving the pond buddy , so she threw a little bait back in to keep you in it. She's probably sitting there rubbing her hands together knowing she still has some control over your feelings.

Get over it or she'll pull you back and a year from now you'll be right back at square one.:)