[penny4urthought]

My husband and I have only been married 6 months but we argue all the time. I have a son, 9 and he has a son & daughter, 10 & 15. He is always saying stupid things like:
I'm sorry I make you so unhappy,
I know you want it be just you and your son again,
I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you,
I'll just send my kids to live with their mom; maybe then you'll be happy,
I know things were better for you before I came along.

He is so jealous:
I hardly talk to my friends at all
He hates that I wear my son's "lord of the rings" ring on my hand and that I kiss my son on the lips,
I am petite and I always have my hair highlighted, but he doesn't want blonde in my hair anymore and says that he wants us to get fat together,
We live near the beach and he gets so jealous if I even MENTION going to the beach without him (even if I'm taking the kids),
I work three 12 hour shifts at the hospital and then I'm off for 4 days. It drives him so nuts that I'm off during the week while he works, he's trying to talk me into working mon-fri at a dr's office.

I just really can't take it. I'm on eggshells. I'm just real quiet now, trying to avoid a fight. Then when he asks what's wrong and I tell him, he gets mad at how I feel. I feel like he's psycho. I'm starting to get scared and I'm thinking of splitting up with him.

[redhed35]

There are many red flags in your post.

My first suggestion is to seek couples councilling to get to the bottom of why he is saying and feeling the way he does.

Was he like this before you got married?

[penny4urthought]

He was only slightly jealous before we were married. He just seemed to criticize my personallity. He would say things like: you flirt with people without even knowing it, people are going to take you the wrong way, you touch people all the time, yada yada. I am (was) a very personable person, but now I have to be careful not to even look at anyone, much less say hi or talk. The little boy at the grocery store always smiles and talks to me... it makes him livid!

He was recently laid off from his real job and is having to work a crappy job right now. I understand that he feels bad about that, but these problems were going on before he was laid off. (granted, they are worse now)

[Jake2008]

Unless you have had experience with an abusive mate in the past, it is pretty difficult to judge their behaviour, especially in the beginning.

They tend to be charming, thoughtful, loving, generous, and very personable, in the beginning. Personally, I don't believe that many are capable of love, only what they believe their version of it to be.

That version is control. And the control is based on fear, because it is their insecurity that drives them to maintain what they need.

This is often done very systematically. Many don't see what's happening in the beginning, and think their behaviour is over protective, or that jealousy is somehow a sign that they really care.

It isn't.

Isolation is the goal, because it makes their mate easier to control. It takes time to turn an outgoing, social, happy person with a lot of friends and family, into a person who lives only for them.

Sometimes it starts with criticizing behavious that seem threatening-to him, such as you described. Then it's your hair, too much makeup, the way you walk, talk, dress, look at people. It is accusatory, consistent, and takes away your confidence.

Over time, you have lost friends and family, because his comfort level and need to control overshadows your needs, which you have learned to live without.

Compliance becomes the norm, and all actions, become subject to the interpretation of how he sees anything you do, as a reflection of what he wants to see.

This behaviour likely extends to the kids in the home as well. All of you are experiencing the effects of a controlling man. Inadvertently complying with his expectations also counts as being under control. Kids learn fast to do what is expected of them, otherwise, more and more gets taken away.

Please do some research on abusive, controlling men, and think about visiting a women's shelter and talk to a counsellor about your situation.

It is very difficult when you start to realize who this man really is, and how much of yourself you are compromising to keep the peace.

[Cat1864]

I agree that you need to research abusive relationships.

From what you have written about him losing his 'real' job and now being in one he doesn't like, makes me concerned that his attempts to control you are going to get worse and will extend to the children especially your son. Pay careful attention to how he interacts with the children. Does he use the same type of mental and emotional control with them that he does with you?

[talaniman]

How long did you know this guy before you married him? I think you had enough red flags to make you take a second look, and a deeper one before you got married. What you thought he would be different after you tied the knot?

Ever ask him why he acts the way he does?

[penny4urthought]

He talks to his daughter and my son fine. He talks down to his own son real bad, but I usually step in and try to calm it all down. I do not like to argue at all! I have since talked with him and just explained that if we are going to continue going at it like cats and dogs, then I will be moving home to Tennessee with my son and without his fiesty butt. For now this seems to be working, I'm hanging in there and my family in tn is waiting in the wings :) I have peace knowing they're there for me.

[Jake2008]

You threatening to leave isn't like to make things better for long.

It's good you have direct contact with your family, and you have a place to go.

What exactly are you expecting from your husband. Permanent change? If so, he has to put some time in with a professional to learn to manage his anger. Likely that won't happen until push comes to shove, and you are actually back in Tennessee.

I hope that this calm period gives you a chance to really think about things, and where your life is going. My only advice to you is to be prepared to leave.

[Gemini54]

He needs help or your marriage is cactus.

Clearly he does not have the capacity to see that his behavior is morbidly jealous and controlling, and you seem to be the target of this obsession.

Threats will only restrain him for a while. You can be sure he'll start up again soon and it's going to have a flow on effect to your children.

Get him to counselling - if he won't go then you may need to carry out your threat.

This is not a healthy situation for anyone - including him.

[hoosiergirl65]

WOW! He is a self-pleasing control freak! Wants you to get fat together, OMG!! That is ridiculous. He obviously doesn't care about your well-being or he wouldn't make such a statement. He sounds mentally ill to me, if he won't go get help I would drop him like a hot potato...