[PeaceBeWithYou]

I am a believer in God and the holy trinity. I married a man several years ago who I deeply loved. He is also a believer. I truly didn't realize when we were dating how emotionally abusive he was. The abuse started after we were married. I brought a child into the marriage and he also had a child. In a short time it became clear this was a trouble marriage. We tried counseling but he wasn't interested in healing his sickness. Later, I went to my pastor for counsel and after several weeks of meeting with both of us, my pastor proclaimed if he were my father he would be home helping me pack up right then. I took his advice. Left with my teenage daughter. I found a great job, bought a house and started recreating who I was. My ex started in serious counseling when I left. We were separated for a year before we divorced. He made it clear in that year he was devoting his life to change and would never hurt anyone the way he did me again. I went to his counselor with him one day and she told me he was narcisstic but that she had never seen anyone put the effort into change the way he was, regardless of whether I would be in his life. He asked for my forgiveness which I gave, I feel he is truly remorseful and wants to make amends with everyone he has hurt in his life.

Fast forward another year. I met a wonderful man. He is kind, caring and considerate. He treats me well but there seems to be something missing in our relationship. I think about my ex a lot. I miss him in my life. He has made it clear that if I ever want to start again with him he will be there. I started talking to him a few months ago. I have spoken to his family and friends who all tell me how different he is. He has assured me I will always be the love of his life and encourages me to consider seeing him again.

The new man is very much in love with me. He has talked about our future together. Part of me wants to try again with my ex. Another part questions my sanity for leaving someone wonderful for someone who in the past was cruel. My ex tells me God has worked miracles within his soul. He feels as though a thick film has been washed away from his eyes and he views life so differently. He is very much self aware of his mistakes and who he is now. He feels God has blessed his with healing and wants to prove it to me.

I need to make a commitment to one man or the other. Do I stay with the man who loves me but that I don't feel a deep love for, or do I go back to someone who I love but have a troubled past with? I have prayed a lot about this. I have been asking for God's guidance so that I might see what his true will is for me. I want to be clear in my decision.

[rosemcs]

How about taking a step back from the feeling that you have to make a commitment to someone?

If you do not love the man you are with, it does not make sense to go further. If you would like to give your past relationship another try, then work towards it very slowly with no commitment at all. Take time to see if he really is changed, but do so with caution.

[Fr_Chuck]

No, it sounds like you jumped into a new relationship before you were ever over or out of the other one fully.

I would say you need to make sure you are happy first with you, and don't have a need for either.

[jakester]

How about taking a step back from the feeling that you have to make a commitment to someone?

If you do not love the man you are with, it does not make sense to go further. If you would like to give your past relationship another try, then work towards it very slowly with no commitment at all. Take time to see if he really is changed, but do so with caution.

I agree with rosemcs. If you do not have love for the man you are currently seeing, then it is pointless to continue pursuing the relationship.

With respect to your ex, if you want to give him a second chance, you can do it with caution since you live apart from him. You can go home at the end of the day to evaluate your interactions with him. To be honest, I don't think it will be easy because you have so much emotion tied to this old relationship.

I think the key is to try and take your time. What is truly in his heart will come out eventually and you will be able to tell whether his change is genuine or a scheme to manipulate you into coming back. It may even be a good idea to go to counseling with him if you grow closer because you have a lot invested in the process... plus, it could bring healing to those old wounds by bringing those issues out and talking about them... but again, that would be something to explore if after deciding to give him a chance, you have established a bond again. To go a step further, since you confided in your pastor before you could ask whether your ex would be willing to counsel with your pastor this time around.

It's great that you are looking for help and perspective from other people but I think this kind of issue is one to explore with people you know personally... your pastor, your family and friends. People whose perspective your really trust and people who know you well: your strengths and weaknesses. This kind of decision is very significant, obviously, and the more you confide in those you trust, the more you'll be able to sort through this issue.

I think it is great that you are even willing to consider giving your ex a second chance. I personally think there is no greater testament to true forgiveness in life than what you are wrestling with now. There's no question that this decision is extremely difficult for you but I am enamored by the spiritual maturity that you are demonstrating in this difficult life situation.

Best wishes to you, my friend.

[450donn]

Quit jumping from relationship to relationship. Devote at least two years to you and your daughter. Do not consider dating for at least one year. And then only after some serious counseling to help you get your head on straight.

[PeaceBeWithYou]

Thank you all for your input. Jakester your wisdom is much appreciated. Just to clarify, I am perfectly content on my own. I don't need anyone and concentrated on restablishing a life and a relationship with my daughter. I also have been in counseling until my counselor declared me as together as she was! I don't believe anyone comes into your life by coincidence. Everyone has a purpose whether you ever learn what that is or not. The new guy was placed in my life as a blessing. He is also a psychologist and has shown me I am capable of being in a healthy relationship. I just don't think he is the one or as one of you posted perhaps I need to be more emotionally finished with my ex.

The reason I posted here is because of the damage done from my ex. There are few people in my life that would ever support going back. These are people who don't trust God can work to change abusive people. I do have my own life and will not invest 100% of myself emotionally for a very long time if I decide to start seeing my ex again.

I will keep all of you in my prayers when I give thanks tonight.

[arcura]

Peacebewithyou,
Rosemcs and Jakester have given you some very good advice and thoughts.
I do hope that you follow what they have offered and that yiur life becomes very pleasant and happy.
Peace and kindness,
Fred