[blank87]

Until a couple weeks ago I had not had sex since January '09, and I have been fairly sexually active over these last couple weeks, but I am having problems keeping an erection. I can go for about 15-20 minutes and I do not ejaculate but it just goes completely limp. I was on anti-depressants for most of 2008-2009 but I have not taken any since November '09. And I know anti-depressants can cause some problems with erections, but surely not almost 2 months after I quit taking them right? The girl I'm dating keeps saying she's offended by it because she thinks I'm not attracted to her. But that's not the case, she's one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. So could anxiety be the issue? And if so how do I "un-sike" myself out of it?

[justcurious55]

You should talk with your dr so you can determine if it's something physical going on or psychological. Then maybe you can help your girlfriend understand that not everything revolves around her...

[smoothy]

There are a lot of things that can be causing this... several of them are dangerous if left untreated. Get a complete pysical, AND talk to your physician about what you are experiencing. Better to be safe than sorry. And nobody is invincible or too young to develop medical conditions like High blood sugar or diabetes.

And your girlfriend has some real issues of her own she needs to deal with... as was mentioned. The world does not revolve around her.

[kp2171]

Her response is "normal" and not the first time we've heard this... its also uninformed and somewhat selfish. We've all heard about "more foreplay" when it comes to a woman being better prepared for sex... and yes, there are physical changes that accompany this... blood pooling in errogenous zones, for ex... but its also about mentally being in the right state of mind. Its not as simple as "being attracted" or not...

So you deserve a break that she might not be willing to give.

You can be both incredibly aroused mentally and still be performing at a level that is below what you desire. By the way... there is no magic number when it comes to how long you should be able to keep an erection. I believe smoothy has stated before that his lasting power is reliable and long, for ex, but studies have shown that most men have much shorter optimal timeframes. The "porn standard" is just not realistic much of the time.

So... a few things to consider... first about you...

When young men have issues with performance it is almost always a mental block. You've been on antidepressants. This means you've dealt with depression. Been there and done that myself. Mental blocks can be a libido killer.

Simply having a "performance problem" once can build up an anxiety block the next time. Killer feedback cycle. Ugly stuff.

So... I'm my experience, when I've been very attracted to a woman but have found my drive is lower or even performance isn't up to par, there are a few things that can turn me around... and they are also the things that often help with depression.

First is quality sleep. Not just hours. Good sleep. Most of the time this means I need to be in bed long before I want to be... I'm a night owl, but I've found an earlier bedtime seems to play into my body and mind being more fit.

Second is exercise. One of the most important things you can do for both depression and for libido issues is exercise. Period. This, for me, is even more important than good sleep. It builds up my strength, my confidence, and somehow balances me out. There have been studies of men with performance issues who added in regular exercise and over half of them saw an increase in performance just from that. The percentage when much higher when men who amped up both exercise and talked to a therapist to try to get past mental blocks.

Also, I personally have several things that can amp things up when they plateau... personally, I like to keep foreplay more about sexual tension and skin on skin and less about necking or kissing or whatever... a woman's teeth at my ears drives me mad, but save it for late in the game and it'll drive me over the top. Likewise, if she reaches under and cradles the "guys" it again amps up the moment... but best not done too soon. I think there's a lot of worth in finding out what you strongly respond to and her holding back on that until you ask for it.

Last... sometimes a way to get a good win streat going is to set yourself up for a win. Can you get her off first? For ex, I love performing oral on a woman to orgasm or near it... it prepares her body better for intercourse. If you take her to orgasm, you then could focus solely on yourself with penetration. Takes a little pressure off you. And maybe shell get a multiple along the way.

If oral hasn't been a winner, or she is reluctant, or you are... get a book and share it. Ian kerner's She Comes First is a nice little read about getting a woman off with oral... it'll likely have some angles and ideas thatll interest both of you... and the follow-up He Comes Next can focus on your needs. I love using books to learn about a lovers likes... anything she dogears or marks is a page worth reading multiple times.

So... she sounds frustrated. You sound frustrated. Fine. You both need to understand this is a common "issue" that can have MANY things play into it.

Forgot to ask... is she getting off? Is she mad because you cannot or is she mad because you are struggling before she gets hers? What position do you take? What positions does she favor?

In the end I hope you believe that this is something you are going through right now and its something that usually has some "answers" to get you to a better place. I hope she isn't too rigid in her expectations... cause no two lovers I've ever had were the same.

Thank god.