[bluemonster]

Help.
I think I'm falling in love with some one.
But I'm already in a relationship.

I'm in my 30's and have felt love before, I know what this is.
I feel awful even though I have not done anything except have these feelings.

Do I block my feelings and hope it goes away? :(

Thank you for your thoughts and advice.

[zooropa1985]

I guess the real question you have to ask yourself is if you are happy in the current relationship.

Do you have any children? If not then you have more of a choice.

Could you handle the aftermath of the breakup and what if the new guy is only a crush?

Sometimes its better the devil you know but the choice is yours

[Jake2008]

My opinion is that when you develop strong feelings for another man, while you are in a relationship with another, it is time to start thinking about where your current relationship is going.

Deal with that first. If you are feeling distance, or a lack of commitment, or that things are stale and boring, you owe it to yourself, and your s/o to talk things out, and be honest with each other.

If the relationship is worth fighting for, then you have your answer.

If it isn't, think about moving on, and giving yourself time before you get involved with another man.

[neverme]

I think I need more information to answer properly...

What are the circumstances of your relationship?

How did you meet this person?

What are the circumstances of that relationship?

Let us know :)

[talaniman]

My guess is your having issues in your relationship that makes you vulnerable to others.

As long as you stay within the boundaries of good behavior, those so called love feelings can be dealt with as they will fade.

So what's up with your relationship?

[Devorameira]

I’m confused. :confused:

What’s the relationship between you and the man you think you’re falling in love with? Have you dated him? If he’s just a casual friend it’s not really normal to just “fall in love”.

What’s the relationship like between you and your current man? Are there issues? Arguing? Do you have kids? Do you talk? Do you love him?

[Romefalls19]

How did you meet? There is a lot of background needed for this

[HistorianChick]

I'm with Jake on this one... I don't think the question is "what to do about the feelings for someone else," but rather, what you do with the relationship you are in.

You owe it to your partner and yourself to confront the issues in your current relationship. Something is missing. This may be an opportunity to develop your relationship more, to grow deeper in love and trust with your man, or it may be the time when you both realize that it is just not "there" anymore and may be time to part ways.

So, honestly, we do need more info about your current relationship. Can you share more?

[mistyjane]

How do you fall in love with someone you aren't with? I mean to me you have to allow someone to get to your heart.
Off course you can have a crush but this is not love.
Are you letting this man get to your heart?If so, you need to think about this relationship you're in right now.
This guy has something you don't find in your current partner?

[chelsearose]

I'm with Jake on this one.... I don't think the question is "what to do about the feelings for someone else," but rather, what you do with the relationship you are in.

You owe it to your partner and yourself to confront the issues in your current relationship. Something is missing.

This post relates to an interesting discussion I had with a guy friend last week that really confused me! My friend recently cheated on his girlfriend... He was flirting with this girl for a while, and eventually had sex with her. He has since, not spoken to the girl he cheated with and has never told his girlfriend... Nor does he plan to... He's my friend, and I respect his choice (though I don't understand it!). I did give him my opinion though, that he owes it to be honest with his girlfriend and should take a deep look at his relationship etc. etc... And, in response I got that he NEVER felt there was any trouble with his girlfriend, and that things are simply perfect, and that his 1x cheating was out of total "confusion" and an attraction that to this day, he cannot make sense of. I told him that he is likely to do it again, if he doesn't "own up" to it. And I got silence and a look of confusion. I'd like to think that my friend is not heartless or dense, and he really is a great guy in a lot of ways. But, it all really bugged me that a person could actually believe that all is "perfect" in their relationship when he once cheated on his girlfriend. By the way, they have been together for 5 year! I haven't seen any troubles between them, but of course, I'm not privy to their intimate life, nor do I want to be! It just bugged me and made me think about how someone can trust someone with all their might and be deceived in such a shocking way... And, deceive oneself for that matter! Does anyone out there think that cheating can happen during a "perfect" relationship?

[HistorianChick]

This post relates to an interesting discussion I had with a guy friend last week that really confused me! My friend recently cheated on his girlfriend...He was flirting with this girl for a while, and eventually had sex with her. He has since, not spoken to the girl he cheated with and has never told his girlfriend...Nor does he plan to... He's my friend, and I respect his choice (though I don't understand it!). I did give him my opinion though, that he owes it to be honest with his gf and should take a deep look at his relationship etc. etc....And, in response I got that he NEVER felt there was any trouble with his gf, and that things are simply perfect, and that his 1x cheating was out of total "confusion" and an attraction that to this day, he cannot make sense of. I told him that he is likely to do it again, if he doesn't "own up" to it. And I got silence and a look of confusion. I'd like to think that my friend is not heartless or dense, and he really is a great guy in a lot of ways. But, it all really bugged me that a person could actually believe that all is "perfect" in their relationship when he once cheated on his gf. btw, they have been together for 5 year! I haven't seen any troubles between them, but of course, I'm not privy to their intimate life, nor do I want to be! It just bugged me and made me think about how someone can trust someone with all their might and be deceived in such a shocking way...And, deceive oneself for that matter! Does anyone out there think that cheating can happen during a "perfect" relationship??

I stand by my signature: "The pursuit of happiness should not conflict with the pursuit of a moral life."

People that are in love can be attracted to other people - I wouldn't expect any man in love not to say that Miss So-and-so Movie-Star is not a sexy, hot woman, but it is the way that they deal with the attraction that makes the difference.

People that do not have a set-in-stone moral compass waffle on their personal convictions and beliefs. If you do not believe that cheating is immoral, then you'll do it and be "fine" with it. But, if you live a life that supports morality and faithfulness in a relationship, you won't cheat. It's that simple.

So, no. Personally, I do not believe that cheating will happen in a "normal healthy" relationship. Ever. Morality dictates faithfulness in my opinion.

Cheating is never right. It always ends bad and hurts people in the process.

[Jake2008]

That is a very interesting question, and one that I've pondered from time to time.

Cheating can, and does, happen in a perfect relationship, or marriage. There are not too many I know of who have broken up because of a one night stand, or affair, that thought they would never see the day that their significant other would cheat.

We have a huge problem with defining reality in my opinion, when it comes to human nature. We stay married with partners who abuse, gamble away the paycheque, don't participate in parenting, are self-centered and make impossible demands of their mates. But, a good marriage where one cheats, is seen as the so-called deal-breaker, and the marriage is kaput.

Why is that. Why are affairs not seen for what they are, and are they as contrary to human nature as we think? Why are affairs not seen as a problem, like any other problem, and why is it so against the grain to tackle it, work through it, and be stronger together afterwards. Why do people bail because of a one night stand. Why does this make the guilty partner, lower than pond scum, and the 'cause' of a marriage breakdown. Especially if there are years of a healthy relationship, and one slip. Why is it unforgivable.

Why do we think that the only course of action is to dump the cheater and apply old clichés about 'once a cheater always a cheater'. Why the marriage death sentence, without a trial?

Personally, I think we are, as a species, not adaptable to new ways of thinking when it comes to relationships. We have so many types of unions now, and regardless of who is married to who, infidelity happens. I'm not minimizing the effects of that, but, is it more not being realistic about solving that problem, then just ending the relationship entirely?

[Romefalls19]

Jake,

Honestly, I just think that if someone cheats on me it shows that they think less of me and they do not respect me. I should be all that my partner wants and needs out of a mate, going elsewhere is a great sign of disrespect. Then, for most people trust is the most important part of the relationship and also with many people, once that trust is broken, it's extremely hard to regain it. I have been known to never trust people again after they stabbed me in the back.

[Gemini54]

The issue of cheating in relationships is an extremely complex one. It can and does utterly destroy relationships. It can and does also sometimes make them stronger.

The defining factor is the people in the relationship, what their values are and how they choose to respond.

My ex cheated on me, a one night stand, a few years into our relationship. It was born out of a drunken evening at the pub and a fear about our relationship getting too deep. He admitted it to me and we stayed, happily, together for another 12 years.

A friend of mine, young and newly married, went to a conference and cheated with one of the other attendees. It was born out of fear of the commitment and a need to feel attractive. She saw it as her mistake and chose not to tell her husband. Now 30 years after they have 3 children and are still together.

Cheating can happen in a 'perfect' relationships, it is not always 'bad' and does not always have to end in tears. Cheating very often says much more about the cheater, and what their issues and problems are, than the person being cheated on.

[chelsearose]

These different perspectives are helpful to consider... when it comes to such a difficult topic to make sense of...

[AmericanGirl01]

Any update? I'm curious as to what happened?

[blkdymd]

This post relates to an interesting discussion I had with a guy friend last week that really confused me! My friend recently cheated on his girlfriend...He was flirting with this girl for a while, and eventually had sex with her. He has since, not spoken to the girl he cheated with and has never told his girlfriend...Nor does he plan to... He's my friend, and I respect his choice (though I don't understand it!). I did give him my opinion though, that he owes it to be honest with his gf and should take a deep look at his relationship etc. etc....And, in response I got that he NEVER felt there was any trouble with his gf, and that things are simply perfect, and that his 1x cheating was out of total "confusion" and an attraction that to this day, he cannot make sense of. I told him that he is likely to do it again, if he doesn't "own up" to it. And I got silence and a look of confusion. I'd like to think that my friend is not heartless or dense, and he really is a great guy in a lot of ways. But, it all really bugged me that a person could actually believe that all is "perfect" in their relationship when he once cheated on his gf. btw, they have been together for 5 year! I haven't seen any troubles between them, but of course, I'm not privy to their intimate life, nor do I want to be! It just bugged me and made me think about how someone can trust someone with all their might and be deceived in such a shocking way...And, deceive oneself for that matter! Does anyone out there think that cheating can happen during a "perfect" relationship??

There are no perfect relationships. People are complicated but a person can decide if they cae enough not to hurt the one they a currently committed to. Its all about decisions and not being selfish for the sake of fleeting feelings and lust. If a person truly cares about themselves they must take a look at what they are doing to themselves and the people in their lives. This will not just affect one person, but many. It is never worth it!!

[Homegirl 50]

You think you are falling in love. What is this based on?
Is this someone you are spending a lot of time with?

Is there a problem in your current relationship that has left a space open for another. If so, deal with that issue first. If there are problems there perhaps they can be resolved. Besides, going into another relationship because you think you may be in love or there are problems with the current one is a recipe for trouble.

[mcfalin]

Cheating might not have anything to do with a great relationship. It has to do with how you feel about the person you are cheating with

[Homegirl 50]

... or how you feel about the person you are cheating on. When you cheat is not just about the two of you, it affects your partner and the one of the person you're cheating with.
It is not something to be taken lightly