[atwitsend2010]

I am not married and have no children. I do not have a job, family support nor the support of friends having lost contact some years ago due to living abroad. I am 46. I know how I got to this point but I don't know where to go from here. Can anyone help?:confused:

[smoothy]

Well, I'm no expert... but step one would be getting a job. That will get you grounded, provide an income.. then you will meet people and find friends.

You have to take it a step at a time... but that's a great place to start. For support... a church might be a good place to start. A few hours with a group doing charity work gives you something to do, builds a network of contacts and friends... and might lead to a better job.. etc.

[atwitsend2010]

Thanks. A lot of phsychological issues also at play which can make the obvious appear unobvious.

[smoothy]

That makes a structured approach like I mentioned even more important. Focus on those and build upon them.

A House is only as strong as its foundation. I am assuming you are wanting independence and capable of it at this point rather than getting a start in a group home environment and are recieveing counceling for specific help based on your needs. Depending on what your needs are, that might be a good approach to take if you have that option. That could give you more detailed help than can be accomplished here. Such as bugeting for bills, etc. (and trust me, many people with no psycological issues need that help despirately). It will help build the right habits and routines.

[atwitsend2010]

Good advice but I have been at the top of the ladder and now find myself at the bottom. It is difficult to get up let alone get on the first rung. I am not receiving any counselling or help because I haven't asked for it. I find it too embarrassing and I feel foolish. How did life become so complicated?

[I wish]

How did life become so complicated?

Now would be a good time to simply things in your life.

Focus on mini goals. As you accomplish these mini goals, you will slowly build confidence and will be able to tackle bigger goals/obstacles.

Start by getting a job, so that you're back on your feet. Seeing a counsellor is another step forward. But don't overload yourself with too much, no need to overwealm yourself.

[smoothy]

Good advice but I have been at the top of the ladder and now find myself at the bottom. It is difficult to get up let alone get on the first rung. I am not receiving any counselling or help because I haven't asked for it. I find it too embarrassing and I feel foolish. How did life become so complicated?

Well, you really should ask for the help. That's why it's there. And it will help you. One on one they can see and respond quicker and more specifically than we could ever hope to online.

Many of us have been through our ups and downs.. some more than others. It still helps to take things one step at a time. Its far easier to deal with one issue at a time than it is to take everything on at once. Particularly when you are overwelmed.

[atwitsend2010]

I appreciate that most of us have been through ups and downs and some more than others. I am not saying that my situation is any worse than anyone else. Hundreds of thousands of people were affected by the global financial crisis and the bank/financial collapse in 2008. I was in the financial business and my customers were banks and lost each bank one by one. I was involved in setting up a new Fund to go into Fund Management. Timing sucks! I was travelling back and forth between the US and UK legitimately on a visa waiver, never overstaying 90 days, but then I was refused entry and basically deported! I was supposed to get married. A fiancé visa cannot be applied for as the business has evaporated (no incme) and the apartment we had is being foreclosed. So many problems and difficulties that cannot be solved or overcome. How can a relationship be continued 4,000 apart which is why I am starting to believe that I have to start from scratch. It is overwhelming. This is a long story. It has to be one step at a time as you say.

[smoothy]

Doesn't matter WHAT happened... few people can deal with many problems at once when everything seems to go wrong at once. No a relationship like that HAS to take the back seat to lifes important issues.

#1 find a job..

#2 Find a place to live

#3 make sure you eat..

Relationships are way down on that list... forget anything NOT on #1 through #3. If those are not in order then HOW can you get anything else in order. FIRST, make sure you can survive on your own... SECOND will be lifes less important luxuries... until, you get those in order... you are not in any position to be thinking or worrying about anything else. You don't have a child so count your blessings.

Forget the apartment being forclosed... its a lost cause...

Forget the relationship... there is nothing you can do because you haven't got your own basic needs being met... the relationship is a lost cause.

Find a job... any paying job. Any income is better than no income. It lets you get your mind back on track. Gives you money to rent a room or a small place to live and money to eat. Build from that FIRST.

[atwitsend2010]

Wow! It is quite interesting when one reads it in black and white how effective it is. In other words this is probably something I already knew but needed to be actually told. I have suffered with this since October 2008. It now makes it very clear what I need to focus on. I would not normally participate in chat rooms but to be very honest I am amazed at this website that it is so comprehensive and people appear to be very quick to answer and you, sir, thank you for your wisdom. Perhaps when I get my life back in order I will return to help others. Thanks again.

[smoothy]

Its easy to get lost when everything seems to go wrong at once... easy to get overwelmed. Sometime you need someone NOT involved to point you in the right direction... but the hard work will still be up to you. You have the job skills... but first get your personal life back in order, as the economy improves you can get back into a better job... and once things start to fall into place a lot of the sense of being overwelmed will start to disappear.

Thanks... thats what we are hear for.

And yeah... like the old saying..

"When you are up to your azz in alligators, its easy to forget your original objective was to drain the swamp".

[Gemini54]

I would also say, don't give up on your relationship. Your fiancée might be 4,000 miles away, but you can still email, and international calls are becoming increasingly less expensive.

A 'failure' in business does not mean that this 'failure' has to translate to other parts of your life. I'm assuming that you care/cared about this person... why does it have to stop?

It's good to focus on getting a job and putting some structure back into your life, but your job won't hug you or provide you with love and support.

Even if the situation with your fiancée is unsalvageable, connecting with people (work, family, old friends) - even if you haven't seen them for a while can be really uplifting. I understand that you may be concerned about being judged as a 'failure', but you might be surprised at how supportive and understanding and loving most people are.

I am really sorry to hear about the demise of your bank venture - but I am sure that the skills you have are highly transferable to another job or business. Superannuation, funds management, investment are all still active areas requiring skilled people. Going back into a sector that you understand will boost your confidence and allow you to begin the process of rebuilding what you feel you've lost.

It is difficult to see life clearly sometimes, and you've had some overwhelming experiences. Don't beat yourself up!

This could be the start of a completely new chapter for you.

[atwitsend2010]

Thanks. I haven't given up on the relationship but it is extremely difficult. The amount of stress and pressure that we have both gone through with the business has been immense. I tend to apply logic to everything and sometimes things are just plain illogical!

[smoothy]

I don't think a long distance relationship is going to help him at all at this point... because it's a major distraction... emails while cheap are a constant reminder... phone calls given he doesn't have a job or income isn't in the cards right now. And as I understand it, she is in the same boat job wise.

THere are times a relationship isn't what you need, Times like he is going through right now is one.

Now IF she was local... I might not say that. In the best of times a long distance relationship rarely works.

He got deported from the UK... he isn't going to be allowed back anytime soon... she isn't a US citizen so she just can't simply move here either.

THAT makes this specific situation a bit different than what might be usual.

He is overwelmed with everything hitting him with a body block all at once... and paring back to the absolute minimum of distractions until he is able to get things back in order will help him do it faster.

[atwitsend2010]

My mistake. Fiancé visa should be fiancée visa. I am female but thank you for your comments which are appreciated.

[smoothy]

OOPS, No problem... don't know why I thought you were the guy and the UK fiancée the female. I never really noticed any mention of the genders in the thread. Just an incorrect assumption I guess.

My thoughts on this wouldn't change however,just exchange the He with She in my posts above.. And yes... I do understand the emotions at play here. I agree they are strong. And why I think narrowing your focus on the most important issues until you get things back on track will help speed you back to where you want to be. Eventually you will be able to deal with the other issues as well once the basic needs are being met.

It is very difficult for a foreign national to get a immigration visa to here... and being married or even engaged does NOT equal a fast track. My wife was European, I was married while living in Europe... and it still took 3 years for her to get permission to come here (AFTER we were married). No it is NOT automatic. And yes.. I was born and raised in the USA to parents who were also born and raised here as citizens.


That's a very long time to maintain a relationship with someone you can't see.

I thought it might help if you understood WHY I said that.

[Gemini54]

Thanks. I haven't given up on the relationship but it is extremely difficult. The amount of stress and pressure that we have both gone through with the business has been immense. I tend to apply logic to everything and sometimes things are just plain illogical!

That's why I was saying that you should also focus on relationships with people you care about.

Although it might be difficult, if you care about this person and there is a strong bond between you, I don't think you should discard the relationship.

Logic would tell you to do so - distance, difficulty, cost of contacting, etc - but not everything is based on the intellect.

I disagree with Smoothy, hard times are precisely the times that you do need good relationships and warm connections with people that you love.

However, only you can know what is best for you, and where your current focus is best applied!

[smoothy]

That's why I was saying that you should also focus on relationships with people you care about.

Although it might be difficult, if you care about this person and there is a strong bond between you, I don't think you should discard the relationship.

Logic would tell you to do so - distance, difficulty, cost of contacting, etc - but not everything is based on the intellect.

I disagree with Smoothy, hard times are precisely the times that you do need good relationships and warm connections with people that you love.

However, only you can know what is best for you, and where your current focus is best applied!

I wouldn't disagree as much with THAT relationship if they weren't so far apart, IF there wasn't such a major obsticle to there ever being together again... and IF they weren't in such dire straights with work, money etc...

In such a relationship, THAT is going to be a constant reminder of what they had.. which WILL be an obsticle to getting their lives back on track with what they can right now. This particular case is not like someone temporarily being on opposite sides of the country.

He can't simply move here legally, the waiting list for getting a VISA is crazy long... and still no guarantee he'll get it. She's already been deported from the UK so there is a HUGE obsticle in that direction.

Odds of THAT ever getting resolved are slim. And it will prevent her from moving on with something more realistic with the current situation, and she clearly needs to ASAP..

That sort of separation in this case is a huge stressor far, more than any comfort she might get from it, without a clear positive outcome in that area. Which doesn't exist. I've personally experienced that sort of thing, and I knew the outcome in my case was all but a sure thing... quite the opposite in her case unfortunately, and yeah... it IS a strong emotion and stress.

I say that because I've seen the process of getting a green card here, and I know about 2 dozen people who did go through that as well, and many who have for years been trying to get children and family here. And those people actually have an advantage over a fianceee or a spouse.

I mean this is just advice and she can take or leave it... but this is one of those cases where I've actually been through something similar, know what she's feeling.. and know the odds of what its going to take for her to get what she really wants... which are remote. Not impossible... but remote.

Personally, I think getting her back on her feet quickly... with realistic goals for the short term would cause her the least unhappiness. When the economy eventually makes a recovery she can always get back into what she knows and likes best when the opportunity presents itself.

That means a for-now job... find a new boyfriend who is here, now and close... get other aspects back in order as she is able... and then rebuild.

Holding out clinging to what was... and no longer is... will hold her back at this stage.

But as I said... this is just advice from someone who has been there ( pretty close anyway). But oviously, others may see it differently. And like most things... there may actually be more than one path to reach a goal. But watch out for the dead ends... and the long meandering paths along the way.

[Gemini54]

I wouldn't disagree as much with THAT relationship if they weren't so far apart, IF there wasn't such a major obsticle to there ever being together again... and IF they weren't in such dire straights with work, money etc...

In such a relationship, THAT is going to be a constant reminder of what they had.. which WILL be an obsticle to getting their lives back on track with what they can right now. This particular case is not like someone temporarily being on opposite sides of the country.

He can't simply move here legally, the waiting list for getting a VISA is crazy long... and still no guarantee he'll get it. She's already been deported from the UK so there is a HUGE obsticle in that direction.

Odds of THAT ever getting resolved are slim. And it will prevent her from moving on with something more realistic with the current situation, and she clearly needs to ASAP..

That sort of separation in this case is a huge stressor far, more than any comfort she might get from it, without a clear positive outcome in that area. Which doesn't exist. I've personally experienced that sort of thing, and I knew the outcome in my case was all but a sure thing... quite the opposite in her case unfortunately, and yeah... it IS a strong emotion and stress.

I say that because I've seen the process of getting a green card here, and I know about 2 dozen people who did go through that as well, and many who have for years been trying to get children and family here. And those people actually have an advantage over a fianceee or a spouse.

I mean this is just advice and she can take or leave it... but this is one of those cases where I've actually been through something similar, know what she's feeling.. and know the odds of what its going to take for her to get what she really wants... which are remote. Not impossible... but remote.

Personally, I think getting her back on her feet quickly... with realistic goals for the short term would cause her the least unhappiness. When the economy eventually makes a recovery she can always get back into what she knows and likes best when the opportunity presents itself.

That means a for-now job... find a new boyfriend who is here, now and close... get other aspects back in order as she is able... and then rebuild.

Holding out clinging to what was... and no longer is... will hold her back at this stage.

But as I said... this is just advice from someone who has been there ( pretty close anyway). But oviously, others may see it differently. And like most things... there may actually be more than one path to reach a goal. But watch out for the dead ends... and the long meandering paths along the way.

What you describe Smoothy are technical and physical difficulties - we all know that feelings for another person can conquer all of that.

Holding out clinging to what was... and no longer is... will hold her back at this stage.

We have no way of knowing that this is the case - clinging to what was may provide hope - in any case, it is our beliefs that hold us back, not what we can or can't do.

Sometimes it's the long meandering paths that teach us our greatest lessons - as the OP is no doubt discovering!

[atwitsend2010]

I agree with some things and disagree with others. There appears to be no right or wrong way of looking at it.