[Tobe20again]

2o+ years ago I was in a whirlwind relationship. I was 18 at the time. The women I was with told me then, she was pregnant and the baby was mine. She also told me she did not want anyone to know about me, that she had a boyfriend and it would be better for all if everyone thinks its his. We were not geographically located in the same place. So it was easy to be out of sight out of mind.

Although I have always wondered what was the truth. I spoke a few times early on to the mother, but lost touch as the years passed. No one ever came to me for support. I did not know if that meant she was living as she has said, if the child wasn't mine, or whatever.

Since then I have found her and the child(a woman now). The mother is unwilling to communciate openly about things. I would call her hostile. She says the father is someone else. She says he ran out of their life early on. She says baby is not mine. Her proof is child looks like him. I have seen the baby(a woman now) on Facebook and Myspace. I think she looks like me and my children that I know are mine. Her birthday that is openly available matches the relationship.

Some facts I know ; The girl kept her mother's maiden name. Gleaning something from what the mother says. The child does not have a relationship with anyone she knows as her "bio" father. My question is what do I do? On one hand I think if I am the father. The girl should know. Even if she wants to call me an SOB. She deserves the truth. But the hostile mother makes it difficult. It forces me to choose or not choose to go to the daughter directly.

I see that as an ugly choice. What if I'm wrong. And she is not mine. I either have screwed her up in who she thought she was. Or given her false hope and letting her down. Any help would be appreciated...

[Fr_Chuck]

It is the girls choice if you want to ask her for a DNA test, There is no idea what she told the girl.

Since the girl is now a adult you are free to contact her if you wish and ask her.

But you were never there, you were not a "father" to her and obviously the mother is hostile.

What good will it do anyone if she is and you prove it ?

If you wanted to contact her at all, you do it though a third party, like a couselor or pastor or even attorney, so that you have no direct contact unless she wants to find out

[Jake2008]

That's tricky. If you did pursue this, and she chose to have a DNA test, and you are her father, that would also give her the opportunity to know of other half-siblings and family members.

Because this girl would be in her 20's now, she is likely mature enough to make her own decision; this has nothing to do with her mother now.

It's one of those things. You're either in it 100% or out 100%, no middle ground.

If it were me in your shoes, I would make first contact, say pretty much what you have said here, and offer her the opportunity to talk to you if she wants to. But, after the first time, I wouldn't contact her again if she does not respond.

But, at least you are giving her the opportunity.

Best of luck.