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RobinBoston · Jan 19, 2010, 11:33 PM

Threads merged

PLEASE HELP - this A little long but I am so confused and need some objective opinions, any help is greatly appreciated!

My girlfriend and I were together for about 2 and a half years, we are both 24 years old now. We fell madly in love with each other and literally got along amazing, had so much fun together, and really could not get enough of each other. We met in school and she made a huge sacrifice by staying in the state I am in after graduation, away from her family, to be with me over the past 2 years. We always discussed the future and moving in together when I relocate for a job in the fall.

The problem is that over the course of the relationship she would randomly discuss how I don't express myself enough emotionally to her. That she knew I loved her and did everything for her, but didn't verbally express that she was the most beautiful person or show her that I fully adore and appreciate her. She is a very emotional girl, and I admit I am on the colder side with my emotions and this is my first long term relationship. I am assuming this kept building up because I did not change in her eyes to the point where she got very upset and mad at me about month ago. She felt hurt and bitter about it from the gradual increase. We discussed this and I took time to full understand the issue and we talked about working on it. She said she couldn't take it anymore and asked for a break about 2 weeks ago because she said she could not work on it with her feelings as is (I am not sure if there were any other guys in the picture or any hidden motives). Three nights ago we met at her house and I told her how I could not do this break anymore and we needed to solve this.

Bottom line - she told me she thinks I am amazing and even said she would be happy if we got married.There are so many things about me she loves and needs in her life and she knows they are very hard to find, but her need that is not being met is this deep passion and she does not know if I will ever have that to the level she desires. We broke up last night, but she said she will take some time and would like to stay in touch here and there and maybe see me again in like 2 weeks. Her goal was to try to get past these bitter feelings to the point where she would want to try again, but let me do my own thing in the meantime because she realized leaving me hanging is not fair.

I stayed no contact these last few days and changed my Facebook status to single. She messaged me saying that I shouldn't have posted that to the world. Also, a girl I am flirting with wrote on my wall about hanging out, and she messaged me telling how she was surprised. I didn't respond

What do you guys think? Is there a chance that this can work out in time? Or is this girl hurt and out of love with me that she really just wants me as a close friend and nothing more and stringing me along? Is she looking around and thinking about settling with me because I have a lot of great qualities and a good job/money? I love her and would love to try at it, but I also know I should not keep false hope and should attempt to move on with my life. Any suggestion or past experience will be helpful.

Thanks

amicon · Jan 20, 2010, 01:57 AM

I guess you realise that nobody can tell you what the future holds.
Meanwhile,move on with your own life-keep busy do the things you love doing.

Have no contact with her.
This will allow you to get the perspective you need on the situation.

kctiger · Jan 20, 2010, 07:07 AM

I am kind of surprised at how you handled yourself here. You knew your girlfriend, or ex, was deeply hurt yet you decided to worry about your own image rather than fixing a fundamental problem that needs to be fixed. I'm not saying it was you who screwed this relationship up, but it is apparent that your lack of experience in dealing with the feelings of others is hindering this process. It also almost sounds like she is someone who craves attention... I'm a lot like you in that I don't show a lot of overbearing emotions, so it's a hard match.

Take some time to consider whether you even want her or love her because it sounds to me like you wouldn't mind playing the field for awhile as it is - and there's nothing wrong with that. You really need to be cautious about using Facebook at a time like this as it can hurt people more than you know. For now, to keep her out of your personal life, I would simply avoid Facebook communication with others and do your own thing.

paxe · Jan 20, 2010, 09:31 AM

You probably must be hurt though you're not showing it. NC is a good idea and you should really stick to it. Don't rush though into a new relationship, but dating is OK. The thing is she is leaving you hanging and that may lead to false hope. Are you losing your time with her? I don't know the type of girl, but from past experience and from reading posts here, there is a high chance of that.

Now is your time to take care of yourself.

RobinBoston · Jan 20, 2010, 09:47 AM

Hi, Thanks for the help, here's a little more information to help with responses.

First, I did want to try to change and discussed how I finally realize the magnitude of her feelings and that I always felt those things but did not express them. She only got mad about this saying how I took her for granted for 2 years and told her I would try but didn't until we are breaking up. She said she didn't want those things from me right now. I also found out that she lied to me once about going to sleep and she really went out with friends. I don't know if she has cheated on me.

I guess I acted with Facebook and those things because I didn't know what to do and thought it would get a reaction/ jealousy - probably dumb. But it did get her to react. I have not hung out with her since the break up (1 week) and the only contact was on her end asking about the Facebook stuff.

I really do want to try with her - not sure if I should message at all - or keep it NC now after my Facebook stuff

paxe · Jan 20, 2010, 09:54 AM

NO, no no and no. You need to keep NC and take care of yourself. It is excruciating hard but NC is the only way.

It is just too typical of all relationship problem in this site. If you read other's thread you will see a pattern. Let her be, don't give yourself hope and move on with your life. The sooner you do that, the better you will feel.

J. Sparks · Jan 20, 2010, 03:31 PM

She told you that she's missing passion in the relationship.

If you got back together, for her the same "hole" will eventually rear it's head. That is, if you can't do anything about expressing your undying love and affection that she so desperately craves.

So yeah, she doesn't feel enough affection from you.
Move on.. . If you can't give her what she desires.

RobinBoston · Jan 26, 2010, 12:32 PM

Hey guys I have been lurking the board for a little while now and think everyone is amazing with their advice. I have seen you help people get through being dumped and survive no contact. I can use your help right now. I AM READY!

Quick recap of my situation: 2 and a half year relationship with my girlfriend - she is 23 now and I am 24. She is my first true love and she had 2 long term b/f's before me. She stayed in my state after school for the last year, away from her family, and we planned for our future and to move in together in a few months when I finished law school. Everything was perfect until a month or 2 ago. She started to get distant and explained how she wasn't feeling appreciated and didn't feel the same anymore and she has been trying to get me to address this for some time and now is bitter (similar to the usual stuff I see on this board). I actually have a gut feeling she cheated on me with her older, rich boss from work, but have no proof and I won't get into that. Anyway, we have been broken up for about 2 and 1/2 weeks or so. I was basically in denial - I never contacted her, however, she would text me here and there and even called me once. I would answer her contact but it was pointless. But now I realize she was stringing me along and this is hurting me more. We have had no contact for the last 5 days whatsoever, BUT I can't stop checking her Facebook page/email or feeling the urge to call her. There has not been much on there, but I am addicted and know I need to stop. She was out of town for the last week and returned a few days ago. She didn't contact me since she's been back and I think that was what I needed to realize it's time to be serious and move on.

I would love to have somewhere to turn when I feel weak and want to contact her or check - or if she contacts me which I think will happen, to ignore her. I am strong enough now to do it and I would love to post to you guys and let you give me the strength to move on. I know I will be fine in time and have the world going for me. I am about to start working at a big law firm and am young. My friends all support me and want me to move on and truly believe I deserve and will find someone better - But obviously I love her and am crushed and my heart wants her back - BUT I am finally seeing that I don't need someone who doesn't appreciate me or who I can't trust! - So let's do this!!

ALL SUPPORT IS VERY MUCH APPRECIATED! I will be updating for a little while and hope you can help!

Thanks so much

I wish · Jan 26, 2010, 12:37 PM

Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

Check out my signature concerning all threads relating to NC.

Just remember, NC, is a healing tool, not to win her back.

RobinBoston · Jan 26, 2010, 12:40 PM

Why did my threads get merged? I wrote a whole new update just looking for help and support through NC and it got erased?

I wish · Jan 26, 2010, 12:52 PM

Your thread didn't get deleted, it got merged. Please refer to #8. You will see that your request for help and support is all there.

By the way, how is it that she was 24 years old in your first post, but now she's 23?

RobinBoston · Jan 26, 2010, 12:59 PM

Thanks "I Wish", I get the merger now. My ex is 23 right now - her birthday is in less than 2 weeks (another issue), she will be 24.

I appreciate the response and I am just looking for somewhere to vent. My friends have had enough talking about her and I see how much support has been achieved by others on this site.

And I note, I am NOT trying to get back together with my ex anymore. I was in the first post. I am now ready to move on, and thus the update.

amicon · Jan 26, 2010, 01:05 PM

Good choice-NC works.
Stick to it and come back whenever you need to.
Best of luck.

RobinBoston · Jan 26, 2010, 01:05 PM

Thanks a lot. I have read those and I have also read the stickies this past week. They have helped and have allowed me to realize what I need to do. But it is clearly easier said than done and I have not been true NC until now. It's the first time my heart was broken and writing about it does help me.

Thanks Amicon - I have been reading many of your posts in the other threads and you are truly a great person with wonderful comments and support. Your help through this time will be much appreciated.

amicon · Jan 26, 2010, 01:08 PM

You could also keep a daily journal for yourself at home,recording your feelings and how you progress.

RobinBoston · Jan 26, 2010, 01:16 PM

I have tried that and it helps slightly. But I think am the type of person who will benefit more from talking with others who have been there before (that is why I came to this forum). The stickies have been invaluable but now just venting will help me, I know it.

I am probably hurting more now because it finally set in that this is 100% over.

Also, any suggestions for how to handle rough mornings. It is the hardest part for me. I dream about her every night and then wake up depressed and have trouble eating breakfast. I usually snap out of it by lunch when I am into my daily school activities and then go to the gym.

I wish · Jan 26, 2010, 01:22 PM

The key for me was the stay as occupied as possible, so that you don't dwell on the situation.

Hanging out with friends and deleting the other person's contact were the two most helpful things for me. But everyone needs to find their way of coping. That's why I created a poll in my thread, to show everyone that we all have different ways of helping us cope more easily.

As for the dreams, it's how you deal with the feelings that count. Dreams will pass in time. You need to be patient with yourself.

Try re-reading the stickies and the responses in the stickies a few more times. I'm sure you'll discover new insights every time you read it.

amicon · Jan 26, 2010, 01:24 PM

Don't stay in bed going over your dreams.
Get out of bed the minute you wake up-shower-coffee-breakfast.
Make sure you keep as active as you possibly can.

RobinBoston · Jan 26, 2010, 01:50 PM

Yea I know, thanks. Though, I find it that even when I am keeping busy (i.e. at the gym) I will still be thinking about her even when I try not to. I am assuming this will fade in time.

I am also trying to shift from the mindset of wondering what she is doing and why she doesn't care about me to the mindset of worrying about myself only and not caring about what she is doing. This has obviously been VERY hard.

It is also hard because she hardly has any friends here, since she stayed solely for me. This makes my mind wander to who she is hanging out with. I know this is all just self-torture but you can understand why it is hard.

I guess my trouble is that I know there was more to this breakup than she admitted. Thus, I was left in pure wonder and not full closure. I am still coping with getting past that and not caring.

(VENTTTT haha)

amicon · Jan 26, 2010, 01:59 PM

You're doing well and you seem to have a good grip on how to handle this.
It boils down to making your mind up that you're going to stick to it and then do it-never mind how much it hurts.

It's a learning and growing process,once you're through it I think you'll feel really proud of yourself for having done it.