[Mzgrneyez]

We broke up when I was pregnant and I have not heard a word from him until my daughter was 6 years old. He called Child Support on himself and asked for DNA test. He claimed that I "purposely hid parentage" The test proved he is biological father in 2008, now he is taking me to court for custody and visitation? He has never met my daughter or made any attempts for 5 years. How can I prove neglect or prove that he is unfit? I don't want him to disrupt the life I have built for her. I am married now and our family unit is complete. She has a "dad" and a baby brother, she is almost 7 years old now and it would be traumatic and confusing for her to allow this "Stranger" be a part of her life.

[justcurious55]

Is he truly unfit to have visitation with her? If he really is, it should be easy to prove. Did he know you were pregnant when you two split up?

I don't know his sudden motivation for wanting yo be in your's and his daughter's life all of a sudden. I can only hope it's because something has changed for him in a good way and he sincerely cares about her. I'm sure it will be traumatic and confusing to have him suddenly in her life, and hopefully you can help her ease into it somehow. But imagine how much worse it will be if you find a way to stop all this and years later she's sitting there wondering why her dead beat dad never cared about her enough to come see her and then she finds out he tried and started paying child support and then you wouldn't let him see her. I think that would be much more traumatic for her. He may be a stranger. But like it or not, he is her father still, whether he has acted like it.

Maybe to help her ease into it, you can ask that he start with supervised visitation. And you or someone else she is close to, like maybe an aunt, uncle, or grandparent, can be there with her until she is comfortable with him. I know when I was 7, my mother would have literally had to pry me off her leg to get me to stay in the same room with someone I didn't know, especially if it was a man.

[Mzgrneyez]

I know that he doesn't have a job and he lives with his mother. When I knew him 7 years ago he threaten to commit suicide a couple of times, he abused me phsyically and emotionally (of coarse I don't have documented proof) I was only in a relationship with him for 4 weeks! I don't even want the child support money. I want him to sign over all his rights so my husband can adpot her. I never tried to collect money either. He called on his own self. Its not fair that after 7 years someone could be allowed to disrupt her life. I have been the best parent. Im assuming its his mother doing most of this, he is an only child, if he truly cares about her than he should prove that he is FIT right? Why should the burden of proof be on me to "KEEP" custody?

[this8384]

I know that he doesnt have a job and he lives with his mother. When I knew him 7 years ago he threaten to commit suicide a couple of times, he abused me phsyically and emotionally (of coarse I dont have documented proof) I was only in a relationship with him for 4 weeks! I dont even want the child support money. I want him to sign over all his rights so my husband can adpot her. I never tried to collect money either. He called on his own self. its not fair that after 7 years someone could be allowed to disrupt her life. I have been the best parent. Im assuming its his mother doing most of this, he is an only child, if he truly cares about her than he should prove that he is FIT right? Why should the burden of proof be on me to "KEEP" custody?

I realize that this is probably extremely hard on you emotionally but I'm trying to prepare you for how the courts are going to see it.

In order for your husband to adopt her, the biological father needs to be willing to sign off on his rights. You cannot force him to do this.

I agree that it isn't fair to the child that for seven years, her biological father was not a part of her life. However, it was not solely his responsibility to ensure that. You should have established paternity when she was born to avoid the mess.

You stated that he was physically and emotionally abusive; the only problem is that there is no documented proof and if you try to claim it now, when he is asking for visitation, it's going to look like sour grapes.

The burden of proof is not on you to "keep" custody. You need to realize that whether he is fit or not, he is still her legal parent and has rights just as much as you do. Perhaps he did have a change of heart; I've never met anyone who was willing to start paying child support after 6 years of not being involved in their child's life.

[Mzgrneyez]

Yeah well he knew I was pregnant and he was the father. So for him to NOT try for 6 years is stupid. I didn't know how to find him and I wasn't going to try. Im not planning on bringing up the abuse part to WIN my case, Im just going to state that if I as a woman was uncomfortable around him, how is a 7 year old girl going to feel? He doesn't have rights just as I do. He is not on birth certificate and he has NEVER met her or tried to establish any kind of relationship with her. So that's Abandonedment and Neglect on his part. If he has any rights, it will be only the right to "visit" her and that's if he can Prove that he is fit. He only called child support to see if he can get a DNA test done and when they hit him with child support, he complained that they didn't help him! And now he is still NOT paying the full support! He pays less than HALF! And I have only received 4 checks from him!

[this8384]

Yeah well he knew I was pregnant and he was the father. So for him to NOT try for 6 years is stupid. I didnt know how to find him and I wasnt going to try. Im not planning on bringing up the abuse part to WIN my case, Im just going to state that if I as a woman was uncomfortable around him, how is a 7 year old girl going to feel? He doesnt have rights just as I do. He is not on birth certificate and he has NEVER met her or tried to establish any kind of relationship with her. So thats Abandonedment and Neglect on his part. If he has any rights, it will be only the right to "visit" her and thats if he can Prove that he is fit. he only called child support to see if he can get a DNA test done and when they hit him with child support, he complained that they didnt help him! and now he is still NOT paying the full support! he pays less than HALF! and i have only received 4 checks from him!

But as I said, arguing abuse is moot. There is no evidence of it and it hasn't been mentioned for seven years. That's how the courts are going to see it - they'll see a woman who doesn't want the biological father around their child.

And saying for him not to try for 6 years is stupid - as far as the court sees it, that street goes both ways. No, it is not abandonment or neglect; you didn't look for him and he didn't look for you. So you'd be just as guilty as he is if you're going to start making accusations like that.

And yes, if paternity has been established, then he does have rights just as much as you do.

Does he have a criminal history? Does he have other children? He doesn't need to prove to you that he's a fit parent, he needs to prove it to the court.

As I said earlier, I'm sure this is extremely frustrating and emotionally draining. But this is also a legal matter and the courts don't care about emotions and feelings. They care about the law, and the law says he has rights.

If he isn't paying in full, the state will intercept his tax refund at the end of the year. And I'm sure you already know this, but not receiving the full amount of support doesn't allow you to interfere with his visitation rights.

[artlady]

Chances of him obtaining custody are very slim or next to none as he has no prior relationship with the child.

No one is going to uproot a family and take a child from the custodial parent unless a parent is proven unfit.

I would get a lawyer,if you can not afford one ask the judge for a court appointed attorney.

Paying support and visitation rights are two entirely different matters in the law.One has no bearing on the other.

Most family courts have a free mediation service where you sit down with him and try to figure out a plan that works for everyone.I would take advantage of that as well.

I would get a lawyer asap.

I do feel for you in this situation but the law does not look on it with such compassion.It is all in black and white.

Its all very cut and dried and he is the biological father, sad to say even lousy deadbeat fathers have rights.

[Synnen]

Actually, you're WRONG.

He DOES have rights just as you do. That's what the LAW says.

He's now going to court to get those rights enforced.

So he was gone for 6 years. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, it's NOT fair that you had the burden all by yourself for that time.

If you didn't want him to be the father of your child, you should have kept your panties on.

Abandonment is when you leave a child without adult supervision. He's not guilty of that. Neglect is when you fail to keep a child in a healthy condition--failure to feed, clothe, bathe and give medicine to a child. Since your child is clean, healthy, and not hungry, he's not guilty of neglect either.

You asked on a LEGAL board--you're getting answers from a LEGAL standpoint. Make sure you know what the legal terms--like abandonment and neglect--actually MEAN before you accuse him of those crimes.

He has the right to have a say in her upbringing. That means that if he wins, he gets to help decide on her schooling, her religion, her upbringing and morals. He has the right to spend time with her--though at first that may be supervised until they know each other better.

He has the OBLIGATION to support his child--but child support and visitation have NOTHING to do with each other.

You sound very bitter. I suggest counseling.

And if you try to keep her father from your daughter, she WILL grow up to hate and resent you. Whether you like the man, YOU had sex with him. Your punishment for that is that you now have to deal with him for the rest of your life because of your daughter.

If you'd wanted him supporting your daughter BEFORE this, then YOU should have filed for child support. End of story. It is not HIS fault that you haven't had support from him--it's YOUR fault.

Believe me, your daughter is going to get old enough to ask questions and expect honest answers--and you cannot HONESTLY say that her dad didn't care now, because he's trying to become involved.

People change. For the sake of your daughter, I hope he's changed for the better since you knew him--I mean, are YOU the same person you were 6 years ago? Please. Get over yourself and start thinking about what's best for your daughter in the long run.

[Mzgrneyez]

Are you a lawyer? this8384? Because I have talked to lawyers and the courts DO care about the well being of the child! So to tell me that they don't care about emotions and feelings, they only care about the LAW. The law is that they make a ruling based on the child's best interests. Thanks for your comments.

[Synnen]

They care about the well being of the CHILD.

Not YOUR well being. HERS.

For HER well being, it's a good thing that she have contact with her biological family. If he truly IS abusive, then that will come out with time--but you knew him SIX YEARS AGO. You don't know him now.

Ask most adopted children if they feel any curiosity about their biological parents. Most of them do. If you stop him from seeing her with no proof that he's abusive, then YOU will be the bad guy in her eyes.

What is it going to hurt her to get to know him? ESPECIALLY in a supervised setting, as I'm sure the initial visitations will be?

Or is the REAL problem that you've lied to her already about who her daddy is, and you don't want to come clean to her?

[this8384]

are you a lawyer? this8384? because I have talked to lawyers and the courts DO care about the well being of the child! So to tell me that they dont care about emotions and feelings, they only care about the LAW. The law is that they make a ruling based on the childs best interests. Thanks for your comments.

They care about the child's well-being; they DON'T care that you're upset, angry, etc.

You keep mixing your emotions and the law. No matter how you cut it, he has legal rights because he is the legal father.

If you don't want to take our advice, that's fine. Just don't be too disappointed when the ruling doesn't swing completely in your favor.

[Mzgrneyez]

Wow

[this8384]

Wow

Look, I've said it a few times already but I'll say it again: I know that this is beyond upsetting to you. I can't imagine the thoughts that are racing through your head and heart.

But you need to understand that the court will not mix your emotions with the law. If you're not going to listen to what we have to say here, then you can feel free to retain an attorney for $2,000-3,000 and s/he can tell you the same thing.

[Mzgrneyez]

How can I not be upset or angry when the "well being" of my child is about to be DISRUPTED! And none of you have even mentioned "reunification therapy" just straight to Supervised visitations! Yeah No judge in their right mind is going to make a little girl go "hang out" with a complete stranger. I pray everyday that HE HAS changed for the better. I can truly only trust in God! If judges and courts don't make the right decisions, my faith leads me to believe that God has her best interests at hand, and he has proved that to me for the first SEVEN years! Hope this one stirs up some more of the RED font hurtful words posted at the end of your comments!

[Mzgrneyez]

I have seen a lawyer. Do any of you think I would be getting all my advice via the INTERNET?

[artlady]

Hope this one stirs up some more of the RED font hurtful words posted at the end of your comments!

That is a personal signature and is not intended for any one person,it is just a quote or a saying that people here have on every post.It is not personal!

[this8384]

How can I not be upset or angry when the "well being" of my child is about to be DISRUPTED! and none of you have even mentioned "reunification therapy" just straight to Supervised visitations! yeah No judge in their right mind is going to make a little girl go "hang out" with a complete stranger. I pray everyday that HE HAS changed for the better. I can truly only trust in God! If judges and courts dont make the right decisions, my faith leads me to believe that God has her best interests at hand, and he has proved that to me for the first SEVEN years! Hope this one stirs up some more of the RED font hurtful words posted at the end of your comments!

The "well-being" of your child doesn't mean denying her a relationship with her real father. I don't know what you mean by "reunification therapy" as this is the first time I have ever heard that term used.

And actually, a judge is not going to grant supervised visitation if there is no threat to the child. Just because both you and he didn't take care of your problems six years ago doesn't mean that he's a bad person.

Also, I'm quite in awe of how you speak about having faith in God and then tell someone that their signature is "nasty" and you hope your post "stirs up some more of the...hurtful words" which weren't even directed at you.

You are not thinking clearly. And if you have a good attorney, s/he would have told you everything you've heard here already. You wouldn't be saying that the birth father has no rights because your attorney would have already explained that he does. Your attorney would have explained that your feelings are not involved in the courts ruling of the child's best interests.

[Mzgrneyez]

Oh! Thank you Artlady! I didn't know!

[JudyKayTee]

are you a lawyer? this8384? because I have talked to lawyers and the courts DO care about the well being of the child! So to tell me that they dont care about emotions and feelings, they only care about the LAW. The law is that they make a ruling based on the childs best interests. Thanks for your comments.

Yes, I went to law school. Yes, I work in the legal system. Yes, the Courts care about the emotions and "feelings" of the CHILD, not you. The decision will be made based on what is in the best interest of the child - again, not you.

Why isn't one of the Lawyers you talked to giving you advice?

And no one's signature line is aimed at you.

[Mzgrneyez]

How do they find out the child's emotions or feelings? The Lawyer I talked to did give me advice. And I am sticking to it. I admit that I should not have posted this question, but I appreciate everyone's comments. Im a big girl and believe that I am capable of making good decisions. So I will take the good with the bad and be prepared for court. I didn't know that it was a signature. I apologize to whoever has that signature.