[midnightskye]

At this point I do not know what to do with my teenage daughter anymore. She is 15 years old, she has a severe drinking problem. She does drugs, all she does is lie about everything and you just do not know if she is telling the truth. She is always stealing; not just from us but from whom ever and where ever she can. She comes and goes as she pleases. She has not been going to school and is failing all of her courses. At this point I am having marital issues as well. This all started about 6 months ago.

About 6 months ago - she started to date a 20 year old guy. ( she was 14 at this point). When she started seeing this guy she began to cut school. And the drugs started as well, I hear different stories on what drugs but honestly at this point do not know what to believe. She started to sneak him in the house at night and having sex. It was not until her 15 birthday that I found out about the drinking. I found her drunk and the bus depot, and once she saw me started run. When I did find her I did call the police to see what I could do. Because I did not see them have sex I could not charge him with statory rape. And even though he is an adult and she is a minor because she is drunk is not his fault and I have to see him handing her a drink. (which I did not see) So I could not charge him with serving minors.

She was better for a short time, that was because it was getting close to christmas. Her boyfriend had dumped her because she would not perform certain sexually acts. But as soon as the holidays were over. She then went back to her ways. Attitude like you would not believe. Since January 2 she has been home 3 times. She has not been to school at all; and failing all of her classes.

Since the holidays, I have had to suspend my husbands and my own cell phones since she has stolen them. I have removed all of her internet access. I have removed all the phones in the house except the one that is in my bedroom. I have had to buy a cabinet to lock up anything worth value as well as any smokes that we have in the house. She has not been helping around the house for months. So I have decided that since she will not help that I was not going to help her. So I have stopped doing her laundry. She became very irate the other day when she appeared for 10 minutes because she did not have any clean clothes. She ended up throwing all of her dirty clothes all over the house and then left.

Now was for the marital issues, I feel like I am the only parent. Since I will give a punish to my daughter and then my husband lets her do what she wants. So I told my husband the other day on how I felt and that I was thinking of leaving him. Since I could not do this anymore. I think that she knows that she is putting a wedge in between us. But nothing seems to bother her.

But I just do not know what to do, I feel alone and frustrated. I am at my wits end and I do not want to end up resenting her. I just need some help. Any advice

[Jake2008]

What you have done so far, is not enough. I think your husband is probably at a loss, and because he has not been any more effective than you have, divorcing him won't solve anything.

What you need to do is start from a position of knowledge. Putting bandaids solutions on long running problems, is not going to fix, or change her behaviour, nor is it going to get you anywhere.

Because she is only 15, you still have options. You are legally responsible for her. Speak to a school counsellor, call the children's services for advice, go to counselling and see someone who is skilled in dealing with children. Many areas have classes and courses in how to manage teens. Go to your doctor and ask for references for local services available to you. You will find within those services, seminars, counselling, groups of other parents, suggestions, guidelines and legal advice.

As hard as it is, and I've been there myself, it is up to you to use whatever resources you can, to parent your daughter.

I would be speaking to the police about what options are available to you to stop an adult from sexually exploiting your daughter. A 20 year old who likely supplies drugs and alcohol, having sex with a child, should be grounds for charges.

Push and keep on pushing for help. Knock on doors, make phone calls, put as many wheels into motion as you can. You cannot sit idly by while she destroys herself. She needs help, and it is up to you to make sure she gets it.

I realize that this might sound impossible for you to do, but it isn't. I don't doubt she is as you said, but in her case, she really needs to be protected from herself. You may be facing rehab for her, or a psychiatric evaluation (not voluntary), and intervention by police.

If I can move mountains, so can you.

Enlist the help of your husband in coming up with a working plan to start. Start with a visit to your family doctor who likely knows you both, and your daughter. My doctor gave me information I never knew existed.

Don't give up on your daughter, or your husband.

But, you really need to get moving here, and get very, very involved in turning this around.

[midnightskye]

I have talked to the police and they told me that I needed to have proof of the sex and the booze. But they will not allow for me to put cameras in my house to have him charged. When I have had to call the police, they actually told me to kick her out of the house. I have tried talking to the school and they told me that I was doing the right things and just to keep it up, but since she has not been going to school. They stated that they are going to expel her. We have moved to a new province recently, I do not have a family doctor. I have asked the school what kind of resources that I have available to help. All they have is a rehab for 5 days. I have tried to get her to go to counselling but she refuses. I have filed a missing persons report 2 this month. But they said because of her age it is not a priority, and that she will come home when she is ready.

I tell my daughter that she is grounded because of what she has been doing or I take the phone away from her. She either leaves or she asks daddy and all he says is that he does not care. So of course she does what she wants.

I do not need her to be showing my 2 youngest daughters this stuff. They are just going to learn it from her.

[Jake2008]

Ok, that paints a bit better picture here midnight.

The rehab that the school offered, is that something you can arrange to do without her permission?

Your husband needs to get onboard. I'm surprised that he doesn't step up with the 20 year old boyfriend. I hate to think what my husband would do, I know it wouldn't be pretty. What stops him from getting involved do you think. Is he willing to go to counselling with you?

Maybe that is a good option right now is for the two of you to go to counselling together. Learn what you can do, and what you cannot do, and how to better able to do things as a team. You two together facing her would carry a lot more weight.

Why do you think there was such a huge change in her just six months ago. What was she like before, and is it the boyfriend that has affected her so much, the move?

[midnightskye]

Yeah I think it was the move - we lived in a small town in Ontario and now we are living in Edmonton. I have mentioned counselling to my husband but he was not opened to it, he might be now. Since I have told him how I felt. I had really broke down the other day.

I do not know why my husband is that way, I know that he has always been very passive. But you would think that with both of his parents having drinking problems he would do more. His dad passed away last year from booze. Even my daughter went to see him and could not believe how yellow he was. I did explain it to her, but she says she will never get like that.

Before we moved out here, she was almost like a parent, If we were gone out for more than 10 minutes she would call to see where we were and what we were doing? She helped around the house and she tried so hard in school.

As for the rehad - it is without her permission but apparently it is very hard to get. I have to go to a judge and plead for them to do something. But apparently it is rare for them to accept unless they are into hard core drugs and her issue is the booze.

[Jake2008]

One thing you might consider is going before the judge and telling him that she is into drugs, that you suspect its crack. Actually crack can cause severe, and very fast changes to a person, and you can back that up with the stealing, and the 20 year old boyfriends influence. (Hopefully it's not crack, but I wouldn't rule it out). Tell him that she desperately needs to detox before she kills herself. Nothing wrong with a little white lie- mom's can do that when necessary to protect their children.

While this behaviour of hers is relatively recent, the sooner she gets in the better. She will benefit from intense therapy, relapse prevention, and education. She will be taught coping skills to better deal with her problems, and with any luck there will be sessions that will allow you and your husband in for support. I hope that that rehab will also offer follow-up and information on where to go to keep up counselling.

I'm from a small town in Ontario as well, and can appreciate the drastic change of moving to a big city. To some, it's like a kid in a candy store. With your daughter being new and making her way trying to fit in and have new friends, she was an easy target if she was feeling like an outsider among her peers. 15 year olds can be very unnacepting of new kids on the block.

It sounds like she is contrary to everything she was. You must be devastated to see her now as an entirely different person to what she was only a few months ago. My daughter turned 'goth' at 15, started into the drugs, and there was a 22 year old who guided her through bank fraud (among other things). I decided to find this man and confront him myself, and as luck would have it, a cop friend warned me it was a bad idea. Next thing I heard, he suddenly left town. It took a lot of hard work to address my daughter's problems, and as it turned out, it was mental illness, which she is being treated for now.

But, whatever is going on with your daughter, there are opportunities that will come that will help you through this. I would try with the court for the rehab as a start. Establish counselling sessions for when she is released.

I'm wondering if it might not be possible to have the court issue a restraining order on behalf of your daughter, because she is underage, against the boyfriend. He has also been in your residence without permission that might help you get it. That way if she does associate with him, he will be arrested for a breech.

You are lucky in a way that she has not completely lost to you, and her age gives you some control. I realize that longer term in hospital care is nearly impossible to get, so take what you can and work it as much as possible. There may be other things going on with her that you are not yet aware of too.

I hope you keep posting with your thoughts, and your progress.