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sharon gibson · Jan 20, 2010, 07:13 PM

What kind of man would deny his own biological child? What word or phrase can be used to describe him?

Fr_Chuck · Jan 20, 2010, 07:16 PM

Careful ? Perhaps he doubts the mothers faithfulness and wants a DNA test first to prove.

sharon gibson · Jan 21, 2010, 07:48 AM

Oh no! There's no doubt. However, my story is complicated. I'm married, and so is he. My husband and I were separated when this man and I became involved. He told me he was in the same situation, and I believed him.However, I have come clean with my entire family and friends, and he has not. My husband has taken care of my baby, and wants to claim her as his own. He loves her. We're in Tn, and according to the state's law, the man you're married to when you give childbirth is automatically the legal father, and he can be put on the birth certificate, which is what I've done only recently since the bio father obviously isn't going to be there for her. Now, I have lots of resentment towards the bio father, and feel as though he needs to pay in some way. But I don't know how. Also, taking him to court and all would only give him rights to my baby girl, which I now don't want. What should I do? In a way, I want his wife to find out, but the other part of me knows this will only hurt her in the process. She is completely unaware of all of this. BTW-they have an adopted daughter who is 3yrs. Old. He does not have another bio child of his own (not that I'm aware of) I want him to pay in some way... Help! What do I do if anything? Also, one more thing, his excuse is that I am with my husband and he is now the father, so in his mind, he obviously thinks that this lets him off all responsibilities.

J_9 · Jan 21, 2010, 07:56 AM

In the State of Tennessee your husband is the legal father as the child was born during wedlock.

How do you want him to pay? He's not the legal father, so he does not have to pay child support.

his excuse is that I am with my husband and he is now the father, so in his mind, he obviously thinks that this lets him off all responsibilities.

In Tennessee it does let him off all responsibilities.

What a tangled web we weave...

stinawords · Jan 21, 2010, 09:02 AM

Your husband is the legal father. You have what you want already, for your husband to be her father. Why not just move on and make a happy life for yourself and your family instead of dwelling on this other man that you aren't with or even plan to be with? There are hundreds of people on here wishing that the "bio" parent would allow an adoption to take place... you don't even have to worry about that your husband is already the legal father!!

Synnen · Jan 21, 2010, 10:54 AM

YOU need counseling to get past your resentment.

You want him to "pay"? You want revenge? How is that healthy?

If all you want is to hurt him, his wife, their daughter, and your child, then by all means post an ad in the newspaper congratulating him on the birth of his child.

I'd give ANYTHING to have a child. Be happy with what you have--an understanding husband who is willing to raise you child, a marriage that seems to be.

Oh... and you're with your husband, you were married at the time of the birth--that DOES let him off all his responsibilities.

GV70 · Jan 22, 2010, 05:21 AM

Originally Posted by sharon gibson

We're in Tn, and according to the state's law, the man you're married to when you give childbirth is automatically the legal father, and he can be put on the birth certificate, which is what I've done only recently since the bio father obviously isn't going to be there for her.

Correct.

Originally Posted by sharon gibson

Now, I have lots of resentment towards the bio father, and feel as though he needs to pay in some way. But I don't know how. Also, taking him to court and all would only give him rights to my baby girl, which I now don't want.

In the state of Tn ONLY paternity acknowledgment creates strong presumption.Please pay attention that in Tennessee you have to expect the biofather to come in your lifes with or without your willingness.

Originally Posted by sharon gibson

What should I do? In a way, I want his wife to find out, but the other part of me knows this will only hurt her in the process. She is completely unaware of all of this. BTW-they have an adopted daughter who is 3yrs. old. He does not have another bio child of his own (not that I'm aware of) I want him to pay in some way...Help! What do I do if anything? Also, one more thing, his excuse is that I am with my husband and he is now the father, so in his mind, he obviously thinks that this lets him off of all responsibilities.

Of course he is off from all responsibilities.

sharon gibson · Jan 23, 2010, 09:30 AM

I appreciate the advice so far. However, is there anyone out there that can understand WHY I have resentment towards my baby's natural father? I don't think I would be near as bitter if he had shown even the slightest bit of concern or had shown any evidence that he cared from the beginning (maybe a card to give to her when she gets older) The way I look at all of this, there are consequences for our actions. I know all too well. However, he has not taken ANY responsibility for anything! I mean, I didn't get pregnant on my own. Yes, I am bitter about what happened between us, I feel used! But it's my daughter who I'm mostly concerned about! She will inevitably have questions when she gets older. What I haven't mentioned is that she is bi-racial. The bio father is black. My husband and I are white. She will start noticing "differences" when she gets older. I feel that she has a right to know her heritage. Am I truly wrong for resenting this man? I feel as though no matter what the circumstances may be for either one of us (it shouldn't matter), he should have some part of her life and care about his daughter. She is his flesh and blood. But he has chosen to look the other way and pretend as though she doesn't exist! I guess I'm rambling on... just wanted to give a little insight on why I feel so angry towards this man. It's not money that I want... it's care and concern for his child. I just don't want her to be hurt in the future. If she wants to find him, I will help her. And what if he rejects her and even denies her at that time? Maybe I do need counseling. I just can't get past this. It all boggles my mind! I have come clean... so should he!!

Synnen · Jan 23, 2010, 02:20 PM

Oh, I understand your bitterness

I just know that if you don't get counseling about how to deal with your bitterness, the only people it will hurt are you, your husband, and your daughter.

You can't change how the biological father is acting. You can only change how YOU react to it.

Please--see a counselor so that you can learn to let go of your anger toward this man so that you can be happy and healthy for your daughter.

sharon gibson · Jan 23, 2010, 08:06 PM

I would like to clear something up. I know it sounds like I'm walking around in a daze obsessing over this man thinking about nothing other than ways to get back at him. Yes, I'm extremely bitter, but am more than happy and healthy for my daughter. She is the center of my life and I couldn't imagine life without her. At least something beautiful resulted from my relationship with her father. You know, it's funny. There are very few people that I can talk to in person about my feelings. It's nice to get someone else's take on it that doesn't personally know me. It's amazing that words on a computer screen from a complete stranger telling me that I need to get over it already and be happy with what I have can have such an impact. It's so very true, I can't change another person's behavior, but can only control how I react to it. Thank you.

ScottGem · Jan 23, 2010, 08:29 PM

Let me put it this way. You chose to believe this man that he was unencumbered. Did you bother to check? Did you engage in protected sex with him?

I think the majority of men would not want to bond with a child they did not plan. I'm surprised you think otherwise. I think you need to get past your anger over what is not an uncommon action. I think you need to focus on your daughter.

stinawords · Jan 23, 2010, 08:48 PM

Of course she will have questions... so you answer them. But you can't put all the blame on her "bio" dad. Because you weren't raped you willingly had the relationship with him and married another man that you wanted to be the father (and he is legally might I remind you). You are the one that would rather your husband be the legal father than go to court to ask a judge to order a DNA test to prove that the other guy is the father because you don't want him to have any rights. (yes you did say that) But at the same time are mad that he isn't taking more of an interest. Seriously, get some professional help you are your own worst enemy here.