[imation]

OK last night I wrote about trust and the situation I am in at the moment, this is an update on circumstances since then, if you are confused then read my previous question "trust."
Yesterday my girlfriend and I were talking and her brothers friend was there and I don't know him and I just got a vibe and I asked her if I had anything to worry about with him, she said "no its okay, he's harmless"
I got over it for about 20 minutes but couldn't help but say something and I asked her if she understood why I felt so uncomfortable about it
She thought that I didn't trust her and that I thought she would do something which is completely untrue I just didn't know the guy and didn't know what to expect from him
We talked on the phone and I got an emails basically telling me her side of the story and how it seemed like I didn't trust her. I've apologised and told her that I do trust her and I'm sorry my faith in her slipped just for one second...
Today she is still not over it and is still a bit annoyed at me about it (not too annoyed because she rang me this arvo)
I know why she's annoyed and I understand completely, but what else can I do really?
I am feeling like and I can't stop thinking about it and I'm just beating myself for being such an idiot... I just don't understand why she can't forgive me...
I know that she loves me, she told me that just because she is anoyed at me right now doesn't mean she doesn't love me very much, and I believe her. I trust her...
What do I do?
Please help me because it seems like I've been on the brink of tears ever since it happened and I can't stand it much longer

[valinors_sorrow]

What you are doing is what is called borrowing trouble. Where there isn't any real trouble, you worry and fret until that causes you to take actions that really does manufacture trouble. You aren't taking your cues from reality. It's a self fulfilling prophecy that only you can stop. If you don't stop, it will cause a lot of hurt to you and others. Losing yourself in the details of this or that won't get you out of the responsibility of it either. Carrying on and on about all the new details (what I call "yeah butting"-- yeah but, here is a new detail, blah blah etc) won't help either since it just stalls taking any real solution-making actions. It is possible for you to carry this on ad nauseum -- you only need look at threads here to see examples of that.

The only way out is to recognise what you are doing and stop it. Its like you are mildly paranoid and that is the source of most of your troubles. If that proves too difficult by yourself, then seek professional help. I hope for your sake you can see that I speak the truth and do something about it. As for your girlfriend, if she sees you taking full responsibility for this and learning not to do that again, then she might have an easier time forgiving you. If she sees someone trying to always push it off on someone or something else and therefore highly likely to do it again and again and again, I would advise her to end this relationship and find someone more mature. Good luck.

[imation]

Your post really helped..
It pretty much told me what I knew I was doing.. I knew I was being overly paranoid for no reason at all and not getting anywhere by doing it... I just didn't know it had a name such as 'borrowing trouble' I guess..
I have made that first step of recognising.. but I dotn know how to stop.. I've talked to friends and other trusted people about it and they all agree I need to stop but no one knows how and neither do I.. Is this completely something I need to figure out myself?

[valinors_sorrow]

your post rly helped..
it pretty much told me what i knew i was doing.. i knew i was being overly paranoid for no reason at all and not getting anywhere by doing it... i just didnt know it had a name such as 'borrowing trouble' i guess.. is this completely something i need to figure out myself?

Yes, you need to either figure it out yourself or do what I suggested in the third sentence of the second paragraph. I said that because it hits me as either a deeply buried trust issue or some actual paranoia generated by a mental illness-- both of which will take more than what can be offered here on a Q&A forum to overcome. I say this because I suffered like that too, with untreated PTSD, and it definitely took professional help.

i have made taht first step of recognising.. but i dotn know how to stop.. ive talked to friends and other trusted people about it and they all agree i need to stop but no one knows how and neither do i.

I have a question for you. If you already have it recognised enough to talk to friends about how to stop it, then why didn't you post that to begin with? And it better be a good answer because that line set off my bull detector, frankly. Sincerely asking for help it one thing, toying with us for jollies is not something I would be interested in -- can you appreciate that?

[talaniman]

I just don't understand why she can't forgive me...

Until you exhibit the maturity and take responsibility for your action, you will never be forgiven. Breech of trust is a very big issue and one that will not be overlooked or forgiven without a lot of time and healing. It is one thing to have thoughts, and entirely different to give them a voice. Even worse when those thought lead to negative actions. You have a long way to go before she forgives, and she may never forget. Think long and hard before you open your mouth again, or you may repeat this mistake over and over.

[s_cianci]

From reading your two posts it doesn't sound like you really have much to worry about. If she exhibits certain behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable then you should let her know that, without accusing or blaming. For example, something to the effect of "It makes me feel uncomfortable when you and your brother's friend....(fill in the blanks.) I know you say he's harmless but even so I'd prefer it if you and he didn't..." The idea is to get your point across without blaming or accusing. Now, if you do that and things don't change as a result, then you may have a problem to address.

[Skell]

What can you do?


Start trusting her and stop acting so immature and jealous. It appears form what you have posted that she has acted in this way, but you are failing miserably.

As I said in my last post and ill echo it here, if you continue down this path then trusting her won't be your issue, because you won't have her to trust. She will be long gone and won't look back..

Not trying to sound too harsh but you are just sounding so desperate. You will be with her in 2 weeks. Try until then to act a little more maturely.

[Wildcat21]

Dude - all I can say is you are creating A LOT OF trouble with thes DUMB difficult questions.

You are totally pushing her away as well.

Keep these feels to yourself - your supposed to be the fun guy - all your doing is creating Pressure on her - give a girl pressure and she WILL run.

[Geoffersonairplane]

she thought that i didnt trust her and that i thought she would do something which is completely untrue i just didnt know the guy and didnt know what to expect from him

This is a good point to raise actually. It may be that you lack trust of other men but that does not mean you do not trust your girlfriend. You mistrust the intentions and possible ulterior motives of others who talk to your girlfriend. I can understand this. You must work out why you mistrust other men.. To me it seems pretty simple, you are aware that there are a lot of As**oles out there who would constantly be looking for opportunity. This is not necessarily what is going on here but I could understand perfectly if this is what you are thinking. What you must do is realise that you should not worry about the other men who may talk to her. You are good enough and what she wants, she is with you and no one else.

If you begin to doubt yourself as worthy of her, and think that she could cave in to the desires of another man, then you could actually turn a speculation into reality. She would begin to doubt you and your worth. Insecurity in moderate to extreme forms can be highly unattractive.

i just dont understand why she can't forgive me...
i know that she loves me, she told me that just because she is anoyed at me right now doesnt mean she doesnt love me very much, and i believe her. i trust her...
what do i do?
please help me because it seems like ive been on the brink of tears ever since it happened and i can't stand it much longer

Give her time..

By doing what you have done, by showing her that you think she can't be trusted, you have insulted her. You have created a tension between the two of you and she feels that her love for you and her ability to be considered trustworthy has been questioned.

I understand why she feels this way but I am fully confident that this situation will resolve itself with time.

You just need to make sure that you don't create a situation like this again..

You can achieve this by working on yourself..

[Geoffersonairplane]

By doing what you have done, by showing her that you think she can't be trusted, you have insulted her. You have created a tension between the two of you and she feels that her love for you and her ability to be considered trustworthy has been questioned.

I just wanted to add that in saying what I have said here, I don't believe you have done a BAD thing. You made a mistake and what you must remember is that we all make mistakes and misjudge situations and we all fall short of perfection.

The good thing is that by making mistakes we can learn from them and strive to ensure that we don't make the same mistakes in life.

[Skell]

If I were you though I wouldn't show this side of you again. Otherwise your fears will become reality. She will get so sick of it that she might see more fun in being with the brothers friend. She doesn't want you hasselling her all the time.

Who wants that? You sure as hell wouldn't and I don't no anyone who would!

Just be careful or you will push her away to a point where she won't ever come back!

[talaniman]

Personal Rule-Never worry about the competition! This keeps you from making a butt of yourself by seeming to be isecure with trust issues. WC, is dead on with this one.