[4othersons]

My son (22) had his in-laws ask to move in with he and my daughter in-law after 2 months of marriage (my daughter law was pregnant and just recently gave birth to my grand daughter) so, since August he has opened his new, home up to this family(they aren't empty nesters, they have a 9, 11 and 19 year old. The father in law informed my son that they wanted to save money to buy a home nearer to them and so they rented out their home and moved in with my son and his wife and now my grand daughter. At the time the father in law asked my son if they could move in, he told my son that his wife, "just needed to be near her daughter right now." This is only the tip of the iceburg, there are so many incidents of our family being given the shaft, as this family all but sleeps in between these two young people. I am just happy to see I'm not alone.

[Gemini54]

Er what? Sorry, I'm not sure what the question or issue is.

[Justwantfair]

It sounds like a difficult situation and it will quickly put an additional strain on a young marriage. More complicated by an already new family member that your son and daughter in law have to adjust to.

It sounds like your son is trying to support his new wife and her family as she is important to him. The additional hands maybe a bit helpful with an infant in the home.

I am unclear if there is a question or just a need to vent for outside perspective, but this is going to be your son's situation to address. I think it is best to just be supportive should he come to you for support or advice.

[4othersons]

Ya, it's hard to tell all the details. DIL's mom is a quiet yet, domineering woman. When they got married they had a justice of the peace come to"the mother in laws home" (they had their own home at the time) it was very small, just the two families, I repeatedly asked to do something and was given buying drapes to cover MILs fireplace so pics would look better and bringing food. MIL had "a friend" make the cake, "a friend" get the bouquet, anything sentimental she did it, I just got buying drapes and food. For the baby shower MIL sent me an email (which was very short and rude) I had a friend read it to make sure I wasn't just reading something into it. She said that her daughter was giving the shower and did we want to be involved or do our own. I decided to be involved as I am not looking to be divisive. Her daughter came over one night and asked if I would want to buy gifts for the baby shower games, and bring something to eat. I agreed, although it would have been nice to do something like decorate or do the cake, but from previous experience, I didn't ask and went with the flow. Later on my son called ( a week later) and was just chatting and said, "this is going to be so expensive, I was just wondering how much it is all going to cost to feed all the people?" I told him, "I don't know, but you are the guest of honor, you shouldn't be worrying about it." I guess it was a way to ask that I help with the money for the shower. Well, frankly, I was done. Seems like the only involvement MIL wants from me is money. I called the daughter and told her we were going to do our own shower as I realized that we have a large family and they were wanting to invite entire families and not just the women. So, I planned a shower for her at a later date with the women in our family and some women friends of the family. However the day before the other shower she sends me a long email about how she wants me there. I was totally unprepared, and did not want to go, but went for my daughter in law. Her mother came out of the kitchen one time, from across the room said "hi" then went and talked to another guest. She did not introduce myself or my mom who went with me, to anyone, so we did it ourselves. At the end of the party I thanked the MIL and gave her a hug, she basically just turned around and went back in the kitchen. Every encounter with her is cold and rude and I can honestly say it's not for my lack of trying. At the baby shower I threw for my DIL and son, I invited the MIL and my DILS sister. I welcomed them, I introduced them, I made numerous attempts to treat them well and make them feel welcome. This woman is capable of being kind to others and talking, I've seen her do it, she just brushes us off. I am done trying with her.

[4othersons]

Also, I guess the main issue is that this family of 5 moves in with a newly wed couple after 2 months of marriage. My son has an over $2,000.00 mortgage to pay, and he is a hard worker, but all the in-laws pay for is the utilities! I feel so bad for my son, usually when I see him he looks like he has two black eyes as he is working so hard to keep it all together and has to deal with coming home not to his beautiful new bride and baby, but her entire family! I don't know how they are ever going to form strong marital bonds with mom, dad, brothers and sister all living there with them. Also, every time we see them, they have one of her siblings along. We never have time alone with our son and his wife, it's hard to get to know her, and be able to love and bond with his wife when there is always someone from her family along.

[Jake2008]

Your son has taken on a huge responsibility to house and feed an additional five people. He is helping them save for a new home, while anything he could possibly put away for his own family is eaten up in extra expenses. It seems really weird that they would not be paying a portion of the mortgage payment.

With what they are saving in living expenses, they shouldn't be expecting you to also help financially with expenses such as the baby shower. I can see why you changed your mind helping with the shower she was hosting, although I'm wondering about you committing to bringing food for the guests, then backing out.

While I realize that this is a hard situation for you, it will become even harder for your son, but obviously he has to make his own decisions regarding his wife's family. Are there any cultural differences here? If they come from a country where it is common for generations of families to live together, maybe they are going to be there for a very long time. Just a thought.

If it were me, I would be consentrating on the newlyweds, and the baby. There is nothing in the rule book that says you have to first go through the in-laws for permission to talk to either of them, and/or to spend time with them, and the new baby. Maybe try to set something up even once a week, where the three of them can come to your home for the afternoon and dinner, without the in-laws. Keep a strong bond going with them, even if it is not as much as you'd like, for now.

Hopefully your son will realize that they are guests, not tenants, and the five extra people in the home will either move into a new home, or go back to the one they already have.

Not a great way to start a new marriage.