[Kjvrt387]

My husband and I recently married. We are a blended family. He is a widow with two children. I have three children. Our lives are very busy! My MIL helped my husband a lot after his wife died. She basically became the mother figure for his kids. She was great! However, since we have been married she has become increasingly difficult. She will not recognize my children or me as a part of the family. She still has my husband's first wedding picture displayed in her house! Also, she dictates when the kids have hair cuts, what they wear and what they eat for lunch at school. We made a family decision that all of the children would make their lunches for school. She happens to work at our youngest's school and she didn't think it was fair so she put money in his lunch account. She has also told our daughter to lie to us about things she does for them. I don't know what to do about her. It upsets my kids and they don't understand. Any suggestions?

[Gemini54]

My suggestion is that your husband needs to speak with her. She is, after all, HIS mother. Perhaps you and he can decide on the ground rules and then he can talk with his mother (without you present) to explain that this is what you have both decided. He can also let her know that you all need time to get to know each other as a blended family and this might take time. He can ask her to respect the rules, and your choices re haircuts, lunches etc, and ask for her assistance to make it work.

I think that you may also need to be patient. She's used to making the rules and dealing with your husband's children. She may feel usurped and not ready to take on the role of just grandmother yet.

Don't take it too personally about the photos. Some people take time with these things. Why don't you get a lovely blended family photo made up and framed and get one of the grand kids to give it to her?

You and your husband could also explain to the children a little of what is happening - be honest and let them know that grandma is finding it difficult to let go and ask them also to be patient with her. However, ask them to tell her that they won't lie to you or your husband about what she does for them.

If she knows that communication is honest and good in your household, she will, over time, be less inclined to try to divide and conquer. Also, if she feels included and valued she will find it easier to let go.

[Kjvrt387]

Thanks for the suggestions. Ihave actually tried all of those things. We have been a blended family for two years. It has just gotten worse. When my husband explained our family rules to her she just said she didn't understand and went behind our backs.

Take today for example; we are having a nice morning and all of a sudden my step-daughter is getting dressed and tells her brother to get dressed. She says Nana is coming to get them to get new shoes for their trip next weekend. Nana is taking them to the mountains. Just the three of them are going. I didn't even know about the trip until one of the kids told me. I didn't even get the opportunity to have a vote in the matter.

As for the picture, we did have a family picture made and she won't display it.

My husband and I have been together for almost four years. It has really gotten bad in the last year. My ex-husband actually told me my kids have started mentioning it to him. He has never said anything to me about it before. I have never talked to him about it.

One other thing I forgot to mention is that her husband died 15 years ago. She has never even dated another person in all of those years. She has a shrine to her husband in her bedroom. It's an entire wall of pictures and memorabilia.

I love my husband but I am at a loss. I really don't know what to do.

[sylvan_1998]

You need to cut all ties with her until she lives by the rules. Make the rules livable with her. Let her have time with those kids but demand that she stop with all the intolerable activity. When she does not, tell her she will not have visitation. Make your husband be the one who takes away those times.

I know this is hard, mean, and hurtful but what she is doing is destroying your family. At the times when she takes some to the mountains, I oh so would take all the others to disney, the beach, europe, or any other place the other two would rather go to. When she takes them to get shoes, take yours to get what they need for their trip. Be ready to make these decisions quickly as she does not give you much response time.

I hate passive aggressive people and she is the queen of it. I would be honest with the children and say, grandma is taking them and I thought you should have a treat too. It is too bad we can't all do together, wish grandma had called me. UGH I SO FEEL FOR YOU!!

[Gemini54]

Thanks for the suggestions. Ihave actually tried all of those things. We have been a blended family for two years. It has just gotten worse. When my husband explained our family rules to her she just said she didn't understand and went behind our backs.

Take today for example; we are having a nice morning and all of a sudden my step-daughter is getting dressed and tells her brother to get dressed. She says Nana is coming to get them to get new shoes for their trip next weekend. Nana is taking them to the mountains. Just the three of them are going. I didn't even know about the trip until one of the kids told me. I didn't even get the opportunity to have a vote in the matter.

As for the picture, we did have a family picture made and she won't display it.

My husband and I have been together for almost four years. It has really gotten bad in the last year. My ex-husband actually told me my kids have started mentioning it to him. He has never said anything to me about it before. I have never talked to him about it.

One other thing I forgot to mention is that her husband died 15 years ago. She has never even dated another person in all of those years. She has a shrine to her husband in her bedroom. It's an entire wall of pictures and memorabilia.

I love my husband but I am at a loss. I really don't know what to do.

Wow. She's making arrangements with your step-children without telling you? I think it's time for the children to tell their grandmother that they can't do anything with her until you or your husband approves it. What if you guys were going away for the weekend?

I suspect that you all - children included - need to sit her down and tell her the rules. All of you need to agree how you will deal with this matter. Your husband needs to take the lead, as his children are the ones most affected by this matter.

Two years is long enough for your MIL to adjust to the situation. Now she's just being bloody minded and destructive. I agree with Sylvan, time to amp up your response.

[Cat1864]

I agree with Sylvan that your husband and you need to get stricter with her. However, DO NOT put the children in the middle. That is what she is doing.

You need to get them out of the middle and back in their place with the other children while you get her back in her place as a grandmother with limited privileges.

I know this is probably hard on your husband too. After all, she was there to help him when he really needed it. Now, he has to deal with the obsessive person that she has shown herself to be.

The children need to be told the truth that Grandmother has not been handling the loss of her husband and the first daughter-in-law very well. She is trying to hold on to the past by holding on the children and this is not good for her or them. For right now, they need to abide by the family rules and let Mom and Dad know when Grandmother tries getting around their expressed wishes. That it is okay to love her and want to be with her, but shoes, trips, etc. need to stop and to let the parents deal with Grandmother and her disappointment.

Family counseling may help. Getting a neutral party to help her understand that she is crossing lines might show her that everyone still cares, but she needs her own life. If she won't go to counseling is there a family friend or clergy that she might listen to.

If she were the maternal grandmother, then I would suggest allowing her to plan one vacation a year for just her and the two children as a special bonding. However, since she is your husband's mother, she needs to come to an understanding that he now has three more children for her to spread her love among. Three children who I am certain would love another grandparent to love.