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Amiga · Dec 26, 2009, 01:47 AM

My husband is domestically lame. All I ask, is that he cleans up the dishes daily, puts out the compost every few days and the garbage once a week for collection. I will be happy to do the rest, if I feel that these responsibilities are shared between us. We have two little boys that make a lot of mess and get very dirty. So I do about 8 loads of laundry a week, vacuum every other day, cook, clean the rest of the house, take care of bills, the garden etc. I don't want to do it all. I don't think it's a good message to the boys, that the female does the domestics and Dad does none. It's a bone of contention between us for many many years. When I try to discuss it, admitted often when I am p'd off about it, he gets angry/defensive and escapes with no resolve. What do you do with that? Many many times I have laid it down and he doesn't COMMIT to doing these things. He says that he is too tired, worked hard all day etc. Well, how do you think I feel most of the time? Tired of course, but I do what has to be done, otherwise we'd all be hungry and dirty. I mean, isn't that just lame?

emopunk7 · Dec 26, 2009, 02:01 AM

Yes he should be able to wash dishes at least. Perhaps he'd prefer another task. Maybe he would rather vacuum. I know I would. I don't like washing dishes although I do my share once in a blue to surprise my mom... lol Always makes her happy.

dlowell08 · Dec 26, 2009, 02:46 AM

Maybe ask him if you are his wife or his servant. Ask him if he thinks you are his equal or if his comfort is more important than yours (because that is how he is acting right now). The I'm tired thing is not a legitimate reason. Are you not tired? If he thinks as a woman you are supposed to handle all the dirty work that is "beneath" him then he does not respect women. By extension, he does not respect you. I'm sorry if that is not what you want to hear, but that's how I see it.

It's not a good message to send to your boys. If he cares about them, he will do his share.

Clough · Dec 26, 2009, 03:27 AM

Hi, Amiga!

When you've tried to speak with him about this, what sort of things have you said to him, please?

It's possible that you might need use a different strategy with the words and sentences that you use.

Thanks!

talaniman · Dec 26, 2009, 10:47 AM

Do you work?? If you don't, maybe you would feel differently if he asks you to bring home some rent money.

This isn't about who does what, you take care of the house, and he brings home the bacon.

I grew up doing chores, and so should your boys. That's all the help you need around the house, and before we get technical about dividing the chores, having done them myself, more than a time or two, and worked, I already know what it takes to keep a clean house, and have time for other things.

You get no sympathy from me sorry. Manage your time better. Now if you worked also, then you would have a case.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 26, 2009, 02:13 PM

Agreed, different if you work or don't work.

But make your list, tell him he has to do 2 or 3 of them, and let him pick,
If he is to clear the table, leave them, if they build up for 3 days, or start buying and using paper plates

sabrewolfe · Dec 26, 2009, 02:31 PM

Don't do his laundry.

Cat1864 · Dec 26, 2009, 05:37 PM

How old are your children?

It sounds like you need to bring up the subject when you aren't angry. Arguing about what needs to be done and who is doing it doesn't solve anything.

On his days off, does he do anything to help out like fix things or take care of the boys for awhile so that you can get some rest?

KISS · Dec 26, 2009, 05:56 PM

I agree. Don't do his laundry. Use paper plates and plastic forks. Minimize food prep items. Make just enough dinner for you and the kids.

The list makes sense. Create one. Have him pick. Put your stuff on the list too.

I totally agree with not doing his laundry.

bswc · Dec 27, 2009, 02:33 AM

I disagree with things such as not doing his laundry or cook for him. That is not what true love is suppose to be like. True love is to sacrifice yourself, and to serve others.

Nonetheless things still need to be solved or else it will form a great emotional barrier between you and your husband. Since he he said he worked so hard, how about get him to do something during the weekends TOGETHER with you.

Make things fun with a variety, who knows he likes it?

redhed35 · Dec 27, 2009, 06:11 AM

Running a house is a full time job,there are no days off... there are also no days off when it comes to parenting...

If your running a house,you don't get to clock off at 5pm and chill on the couch,scratching your balls and channel hopping!

Marriage is a partnership... I agree that both people have know what there roles are..

He's bringing home the bacon... big woop.. thats his job..

You run the house... big woop.. thats your job.

Where the problems start is when one person feels hard done by, if your sense of fairness is gone,that breeds contempt and anger...

Try again, talk to him,if your words are not getting through,try some actions...

talaniman · Dec 27, 2009, 07:29 AM

I was hoping the OP would come back with more feedback and information, but maybe she is to busy.

Most stay at home moms eventually manage their time, and money, so they can do things they enjoy. But I suspect our mom hasn't reached that point yet.

I think her husband has made it clear where he draws the line, but I also think she can make adjustments to her situation, so he will appreciate her contribution more, and at least take his boys to the park, or around with him more, to give her time to just do what she wants.

Clearly she won't get what she wants by nagging, and demanding. But its also clear she is frustrated. Maybe there is more to this story than just washing dishes.