[Zareb]

Hello everyone,

Sorry for the somewhat vague title to this post but after 20 minutes of trying to sum up my question with a pithy title, I decided to settle on just listing how I feel at the moment.

Okay for some back story, I notice a lot of these posts can get a bit unwieldy so I'm going to try and keep this as to the point as I can, without getting too bogged down in how much I've become stuck in a self induced cycle of internalised thought which seems to be slowly driving me crazy.

I was with someone for several years and we were very much in love. The relationship was perfect as far as we were concerned, in that we clicked on every level, personalities, sense of humour, sexually, etc... the only down side was that it was a long distance relationship and this led to issues in seeing each other as often as we wanted. Eventually however due to circumstances outside our control, we were unable to see each other for a time and as that time stretched we drifted apart. I phoned less and less because every time we spoke, my ex was saddened by the reminder that we could not meet and how much we missed each other and thus from the desire to spare each other pain, we drifted further.

Over the course of a couple of years, even though we had never separated, we had both moved on with our lives. We still cared about one another, however when we spoke it was more of friendship and where our lives as individuals were heading. We got to the point where we began asking each other if either of us were seeing someone else. However the question was always pained in that one could tell the person asking was hoping that the reply would be "no" and thus even when we were seeing new people both of us still lied to spare each other the pain of knowing we had finally properly moved on.

All of this worked okay for us. We got on with our lives and we spoke on a semi regular basis just touching base and remaining friends. However circumstances changed once again allowing us to see each other.
However upon being told this, my ex finally informed me that they had been in a stable and loving relationship relationship with someone they had met half a year after we had last seen each other. Although I was hurt by this, I reasoned that we had both moved on and were merely friends now and by the time they had met this new partner, we had already accepted it was unlikely that we would be able to see each other again in the near future and thus I had no basis to be angry. Thus we arranged to finally meet up again for the first time in several years, confidant in the knowledge that we would make great friends.

Unfortunately this is where the problem begins. Upon seeing each other, even before saying hello it was apparent to both of us that time had not changed our emotions to ones of friendship but rather had only buried our love for one another. An awkward evening ensued, with us making clanking conversation and trying to ignore the obvious topics or our past and what had happened to us, however as time went on and as we let down our guards it became too obvious to deny any longer and we both admitted that we were still very much in love with one another, however my ex also equally loves their partner, having not planned to still have these feelings for me.

So after an embrace which lingered and a kiss which reminded us on all the things we cherished from our past together, we decided to try and be "friends" and work out where we would go from there.

However we are anything but friends, my ex is a loyal soul and they feel as if they are being torn in two. Whereas my every minute is consumed with thinking about them and yearning for them. Walking away isn't an option for either of us, we know that would be the easiest solution but neither one of us can imagine our world without the other person being in it to some degree.

So my questions are:

What do I/we do next?

Is it possible to form a simple friendship when two people feel that strongly for one another or would it just be dating under a different name, without the physical aspect of a relationship?

Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated as this is causing me a great deal of distress at the moment.

[talaniman]

Your quite the romantic, but you really need to step back, and recognize that things have changed a lot since you last saw each other. I know it sounds great reuniting lost souls, and all that, but fact remains, you didn't make it before, and she isn't giving you room to make it now. She ain't leaving a sure thing for a maybe, and why should she?

So its up to yo to step away and take your influence out of her life so she can do as she feels she should.

If she leaves the other guy for you, fine, that's different than pressuring her, and pretending to be friends, when what you want is more than that.

Another thing is never assume your intense feelings are the same as hers, since you really don't know.

[Zareb]

You are probably right Talaniman, and thank you for the advice. My ex has told me that since that meeting that they are very much in love with me many times, but you are right when you remind me that that statement is a subjective one and I do not know if they feel it with the same intensity that I do. (they were always better at dealing with these type of emotions than I am, as I was always one for being swept away in the moment)

You are also right that pressuring someone to be with you is wrong as one can only know their own heart when given time to work through things without the wants of others put firmly on their doorstep also and I would never purposefully pressure my ex. However you are probably right that just my presence in itself and the confusion it is causing them is enough to count as pressure.

I think your advice is sound however I also think that sometimes one has to be willing to put themselves forward for what they want and standing back completely to give someone room to make their decision can instead be seen as a lack of interest in the outcome rather than a respect for the choices they have to make. I stepped back once so as to not hurt my ex and this time I do wish to make the same mistake again.

I do not wish to completely step out of my ex's life but nor do I wish to try and force their hand. I want them to know what they want from their life and make the choices that will bring them the happiness they deserve, whichever choice that will be and whomever that is with. So although I respect and agree with your advice on the whole, I think in this instance I will keep a respectful distance from my ex but at the same time make it known that if they choose to see me on a sociable level to get to know one another again and try and work out our feelings, then I will make myself available to do so. That is probably unwise in some aspects, as I'm sure you will think so, but sometimes one can only find out how they feel by getting to know a person again and giving there emotions time to clarify by experience rather than solitary reflection. Which you are a great advocate of, and in the whole I agree, but sometimes solitary reflection does not lead us to an answer, it simply leads us down the path of least resistance.

At least this way I am leaving the choice to see me and getting to know me again in their hands and thus they have to make the steps towards seeing me if they so wish and if they do not make those steps, I will respect that too.

I think that is the best way forward but your advice did help me see that in this one, I must take a step back and wait to see if they want the chance to get to know me again.

[Zareb]

In addendum there is no edit button it seems, thus as a quick typo correction, when I said:

"and this time I do wish to make the same mistake again."

I clearly meant to say:

"and this time I do not wish to make the same mistake again."