[AwesomeNana]

Before asking my question, I opted to read some of the posts. I am so saddened by the fact that I am not alone in my feelings! I raised 3 beautiful, successful children and worked hard to instill respect and appreciation for family. However, it would seem that my boys missed this lesson. Although they usually don't miss a family gathering invitation, they breeze in and eat their fill, gravitate away from family fun; i.e. games and what not, and then leave without so much as helping with any of the clean up of their children's messes. They only call when they need something and that can mean months go by. They live within 5 miles of the house! If time goes by and I don't see my grandchildren then it is all my fault because I am responsible for making all of the effort. Yet I am damned if I do and damned if I don't! I talked often about my grandson's upcoming black belt testing and was so excited. I asked repeatedly for a date and time. I then saw on FB that he had tested and I was never told! The response "yes we did tell you". My response: "I am not going to battle you over wether I was told or not or if I forgot, the point is that I wasn't missed and you didn't care to call me from your cell phone and say hey mom, he is testing, did you forget?" I am only 5 minutes away from the studio. I was so hurt! I showed up for dinner one night 10 minutes after the stated arrival time only to discover they had invited their friends over and had already eaten. There was no dinner left! Instead of apologizing and saying "gee mom, let me fix you something", the two of them jokingly said "You should have been here on time". I want so bad to just tell my son's to live the life they want without me because I cannot take these hurtful events anymore but I have 5 grandchildren with them that I love dearly. Honestly, you would think I was the worlds biggest "B" but truth is I am very confident that I am polite, I bite my tongue, I don't give opinions, and I feel walked over". Any recommendations?

[Gemini54]

I honestly don't think that there is a lot you can do. You certainly can't change their behavior, and I'm sure that if you tried to talk to them about their lack of consideration they would just deny it.

I think that's what they are - blind and inconsiderate and busy with their own lives.

You can only change your own response to it and make a real attempt to not take it personally. Perhaps you can arrange to drop past on a particular day every couple of weeks to see your grandson. Or, you could offer to pick him up from school.

The thing I would say, is to take care to have a relationship with your son and DIL and don't make the trips just about your grandson. (I'm not saying that this is what you're doing).

I can tell you from personal experience, that my husband's mother would walk through hot coals to get to his 2 daughters, whilst ignoring him if he was burning to death! There is always another perspective and grandmother's can also be extremely insenstitive!

Again, I'm not suggesting that you are, it's just food for thought.

[Jake2008]

Why not switch this around to terms that are more reasonable, and stress free for you.

Phone your sons, and ask if you can have the grandchildren over on such and such a date, and call to confirm a day or two ahead. You have much to offer your grandchildren, and it would be a shame if they didn't spend time with you. Keep things simple with just invites for the grandchildren. Keep rotating between your children, to have regular visits, in your home.

Another thing you might consider doing is, when you know that something important is coming up, a school concert, graduation etc. write it on the calendar. A week before, phone to confirm, or better still email so you have a hard copy if you need it. Don't make arrangements other than just being there to enjoy the occasion. If there was no mention of a get together afterwards in phone calls or email, then presume that you aren't invited, bite the bullet, and just continue to enjoy your grandchildren.

You could also ask your sons if it is possible for them to email you well in advance of upcoming occasions, dates, times, so that you can make sure you don't miss important events.

Keep to the high road, as you've been doing, and hopefully in time, at least your grandchildren will appreciate you.

[dontknownuthin]

If they are taking advantage, say "no". Before they leave tell them, "Dave, before you go, please see ot it that the kids pick up the toys they had out - I'm tired."

You are their mother so have unique license to tell them, "hey, you are being selfish and rude - you are old enough to know better!" If you don't tell them, who will?