[Carol82]

I married young while our relationship was in trouble. I know this was a huge mistake. We thought that we could work things out by spending more time together and live together. (We have no children). I know it was naïve.
Sometimes my husband is the sweetest man to me but sometimes he is quite rude. There was a time when we were so passionate but now we don't do much together. We are not intimate either. Actually, its been many months since we were intimate.
Unfortunately, I became interested in a friend of mine who is just the nicest to me. He knows I am married and never did anything inappropriate. I was always faithful too. But I got to the point where I would love to be with this other man. I was never ever unfaitful and will never be unfaithful. But I cannot control my emotions no matter how hard I try. I am so emberrased by this. Especially because I gave a hint to my friend about my marriage being in trouble. In a way I wanted him to misunderstand it:(.

I don't know if this new man I interests me only because my marriage is dying or because he really is what it feels like: the one.
My husband has almost no one. Even his parents live in Europe. I was often told not to stay with anyone out of pity but I don't have the strength to leave either. If I follow my heart then I think it would leave me to this other. But my brain leads me to my husband (who doesn't do much to work on us). What's worse is that I have no idea what the other man feels about me.
Gosh... as you can see I am very confused. Please give me advise on how to handle this situation. I am only 27 and I don't want to waste my life.
Thank you very much.

[Gemini54]

The way I see it, your marriage takes priority. Yes, it's lovely to fantasize about a new man and how romantic it is, and how he might spirit you away on his white charger far from all your troubles, but life's not like that.

Marriage is a commitment, and it can be hard work. Clearly your husband and you have had a connection, it's just that neither of you is putting any effort into it. You are finding it easier to day-dream about the possibilities with the new man, rather than making the choice to heal your marriage.

Regardless of why and how you married your husband you owe him your loyalty and effort first. Talk to him, explain how you feel, go to counseling, make a REAL effort to reconnect and discover the reasons for any estrangement.

You may find that working on your marriage together brings you closer. You may rediscover the passion, like him more, reconnect with love.

Then again, you may not. Only when you've given it your best effort should you decide that perhaps it may never work again. In that case you need to spend some time alone before falling into the arms of another man.

Jumping into a rebound relationship is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire - you'll only get badly get burnt.

[Silver Lining]

Try to work things out with your husband. Talk to him. You know you can't clap with one hand. As for your friend, stop seeing him for a while...

[Catsmine]

Do NOT ask your friend for any type of support while you decide if your marriage is worth saving. That won't be fair to him or any future relationship you may have with anyone.

Decide first.

[amicon]

Have you talked to your husband about couple's counselling?

[talaniman]

You stay within the boundaries of good behavior and try to take care of home first. If that doesn't work then you can leave and do whatever you want with whomever you want, without guilt.

For sure though, you are being distracted from handling your business by this outside thing, and that has to stop right now, as if he is the one, he will be there after you have made the decision to go or stay where you are.

Jumping from guy to guy, whether it be marriage or just in bed, is never a solution to your happiness, and no matter what the guy feels, it's a risk whether its for life, or just a lust thing.

Your first responsibility is to your husband though, not this stranger your lusting for.

At least that's what you promised when you got married, "for better or worse", not bail when it gets hard.

[Carol82]

Thank you for your replies. I do want save the marriage but I feel like I am the only one. My husband won't go to couple's counselling. He is 29 years old but acts as if he was a child. I didn't do anything with my friend and he has no idea how I feel either. I wouldn't tell him now especially not while I am married. I am trying to forget him. I do not to go out with him alone either unless we have a group of friends. I am in a horrible spot. Keep everything inside and live in a loveless marriage. We are married for 6 years.

[talaniman]

Then stop keeping it inside, and communicate with your husband!!

[Carol82]

Then stop keeping it inside, and communicate with your husband!!!

I tried but he thinks we are fine. That's why I kept it inside. I know it sounds silly:( I will try it again.

[amicon]

That's what you need to do and hopefully he gets it this time.
All the best and good luck.

[talaniman]

When I don't pay attention to my wife, she has ways of letting me know she isn't very happy and I can tell you from experience, when the QUEEN isn't happy, the castle isn't happy either.

I suggest you get a strategy that gets his attention. Like packing a few bags, (his, yours, no difference) and leaving them in plain site (just a suggestion mind you), and if that doesn't work you just leave him to be happy by himself.

The point is just don't try one thing and give up because it didn't work.

Guys hate to sleep alone, and hate couches, and porches even more (more hints)

[Carol82]

When I don't pay attention to my wife, she has ways of letting me know she isn't very happy and I can tell you from experience, when the QUEEN isn't happy, the castle isn't happy either.

I suggest you get a strategy that gets his attention. Like packing a few bags, (his, yours, no difference) and leaving them in plain site (just a suggestion mind you), and if that doesn't work you just leave him to be happy by himself.

The point is just don't try one thing and give up because it didn't work.

Guys hate to sleep alone, and hate couches, and porches even more (more hints)

Thank you for the great tip. I will try a few more things. I do believe that marriage is for life but when you tried everything but nothing works... well let's just say you feel unappreciated, unattractive, and unloved.
I thank everyone for their input!

[Jake2008]

There have to be reasons your husband has tuned his marriage out, and stopped trying. You said you married young, when there were already problems in the relationship when you married. Was part of the marriage just a short interlude of happiness, and you are back to where you were before you married him?

Problems don't go away just because you are married. It is like expecting that a leopard will change its spots. What you have ended up with is probably what you started with, your expectations were unrealistic.

You might want to sit and figure this out from the perspective that you are trying to change something that cannot be changed. Or, if at some point during the six years, the problems that were apparent before you married him have been addressed, and he was willing to change. In which case, it isn't unreasonable that you should work with him, on your marriage, and try to make it work again.

Because you jumped so quickly in a marriage that sounded doomed from the start to me, this should be a wake-up call not to jump into any relationship so quickly again. Learn how to think with your head instead of your heart.

While this other fellow may seem attractive to you now, please allow your husband the dignity of some honesty and communication before you do anything. He also owes you some communication and both of you have to figure out if the marriage is going to work, or if it's over.

[Carol82]

There have to be reasons why your husband has tuned his marriage out, and stopped trying. You said you married young, when there were already problems in the relationship when you married. Was part of the marriage just a short interlude of happiness, and you are back to where you were before you married him?

Problems don't go away just because you are married. It is like expecting that a leopard will change its spots. What you have ended up with is probably what you started with, your expectations were unrealistic.

You might want to sit and figure this out from the perspective that you are trying to change something that cannot be changed. Or, if at some point during the six years, the problems that were apparent before you married him have been addressed, and he was willing to change. In which case, it isn't unreasonable that you should work with him, on your marraige, and try to make it work again.

Because you jumped so quickly in a marriage that sounded doomed from the start to me, this should be a wake-up call not to jump into any relationship so quickly again. Learn how to think with your head instead of your heart.

While this other fellow may seem attractive to you now, please allow your husband the dignity of some honesty and communication before you do anything. He also owes you some communication and both of you have to figure out if the marriage is going to work, or if it's over.

Thank you for your advice. Even though I feel like my husband and I are just roommates and he doesn't treat me the same way as I treat him, I would never ever be unfaithful. Believe it or not I am very nice to him. These feelings make me feel very quilty already. I am trying so hard to fight it.
I wouldn't tell the other guy how I feel either and I don't even know if he has any feelings for me either. We just work together and I try to keep a neutral atmosphere when I am around him. I try not to be alone with him either. Not because I can't control myself. But because I feel heartbroken knowing I am in a loveless marriage when my dream guy is in front of me.

My husband never complains about me. I asked him point blank why he changed with me. I asked if I offended him or if he fell out of love with me. He has no reason. He doesn't cheat and he says he loves me. He says he wouldn't trade me for any other girls. He thinks everything is fine. How is beyond me! I don't mean to say anything inappropriate but we have absolutely no sex life either. I tried...
Well I guess I have no choice but to keep trying and fighting for our marriage by myself:(.

[Jake2008]

I have said before in this community, that I have been faithful in a long marriage, and also would never cheat.

That's not the same as saying I don't think about it, or find other men attractive, or wonder what it would be like to fall in love again, and do my share of flirting. But, that's always as far as it has ever gone. I'm being totally honest here when I say that probably most women in my opinion, throughout a marriage, especially the rough spots, don't wonder what life would be like with a different mate to fill all those voids that happen.

Some years I have looked at my husband and thought, if only I could take the good bits, and add some other bits, like from a 'man catalogue', and end up with the perfect male. I might take a bit more energy, a love of dancing, more physical activity, including *wink wink*, and one that could cook.

But, he is who he is, and eventually most of his bits are okay with me. He too would say everything is fine, he has no interest in anybody else, he has no bones to pick, and he's perfectly happy, just like yours does.

There is something comforting about knowing a person who is truthful above all else.

I agree that you should go to counselling, and see what you can learn about your relationship, and inject that into your marriage. It is all too easy to become compalcent, I'm guilty of that myself.

[Carol82]

Thank you Jake2008 for your insight and understanding. I am like you. I have always been faithful. I know what my husband's faults are and I have accepted them. What I can't accept now is that I am trying everything to fix us and I feel like I am banging my head against the wall. He became a completely different person from the time we got married and he finds nothing wrong with that. Yes, we had problems back then too but it was not like this. Counseling is out of the question for him.
That could be part of the reason why I became attracted to my coworker. He is everything my husband used to be. I am ashamed to say this but it seems like he is actually more. I am just not treated the way that I want to be treated. I give 110% and get maybe 20% back. This is going on for way too long now.
I am not a man-eater, or a cheater. But I feel very guilty as I think I emotionally cheated. I am not happy and I keep thinking about the other man. But I can't tell him. I can't hug him. I can't even allow myself to blush in front of him. It's almost like "Bridges of Madison County".
I feel like I am stuck in a loveless marriage and I am too guilty to leave. I always have that hope that maybe my husband will come around. And I feel so guilty thinking that if I leave and he'll cry... what would I do? Stay out of pity? Grow a backbone? I don't know anymore. This is the only place where I could admit that I fantasize about packing my bags and move out of our house. He can keep everything just let me be happy. I am so horrible:'(. I wish I could just turn off these feelings. I really tried.

[JudyKayTee]

I think there is also something called "emotional cheating." That's when one partner or the other leans on a third person for emotional support instead of his/her spouse.

My advice - if you are as unhappy as you say, it's time to leave. Sad, but time to leave.

You know when I knew it was time to leave my marriage? When I didn't love him and I didn't hate him. I simply just didn't care about him any more, one way or the other.

[Stringer]

I think there is also something called "emotional cheating." That's when one partner or the other leans on a third person for emotional support instead of his/her spouse.

My advice - if you are as unhappy as you say, it's time to leave. Sad, but time to leave.

You know when I knew it was time to leave my marriage? When I didn't love him and I didn't hate him. I simply just didn't care about him any more, one way or the other.

That... was exactly how I finally Felt about my ex Judy... I went through all the emotions; shock, questioning, unsure, unloved, and finally anger (I think anger is when you start the healing process). Finally at last, I just had no feelings left at all. I didn't really care one way or the other.

Another thing, I swore that I would never trust anyone again, that lasted for only a short time.

Stringer

[Carol82]

I was very scared of reading a response that I just did. Thank you both for your inputs. I feel so ashamed... but I think I really did cheat emotionally. I was even thinking about quitting my job so I won't be "cheating". Until I just realized that the problem is that my husband makes me unhappy. I feel like I have given him everything and I have gotten nothing back in return. Not even a "willing to work on it".

I feel ashamed to admit this but I feel like I lost the other guy too without even having him. He knows I am married and he would never do anything inappropriate. If I get a divorce I can't just go up to him and telling him "oh I just got a divorce". That would look horrible especially if he doesn't care about me that way.

I guess I am doomed:(. I always thought that I would never get a divorce. I wanted a marriage for life. But I am defiinitely feeling what you did. Not caring anymore and feeling like I want to give up. Feeling like nothing will change... like there is no point of talking to him anymore. I'll just get the same response. And I've been feeling like this even before I met this guy but at least I was still trying then.
Thank you.

[talaniman]

Then you tell hubby this isn't working for you any more, and see how he react to your honesty.