[heronk38]

So, there is this guy. He's a sophomore and I'm a freshman. I met him through a science club in my school last year, but I didn't start talking to him a lot until this year when I joined his team on a Rocketry Challenge for school. He's really cute, but not many girls think so. He's also smart and funny. Almost perfect! And I know a little bit about him, but he knows a lot about me. I know that he likes a tenth and a ninth grader, but he told me he likes the ninth grader more, and he won't tell me who. It's not like I'd tell anyone, but he still won't tell me.
Now, I really like him, and he knows this. I told him about two weeks ago. But nothing. And I didn't expect anything, but it still hurts. I told him in order to help me get over him, he needs to tell me he doesn't like me, but he has YET to do that! He's never mentioned who he likes, and he's never said he didn't like me. God, it's so annoying.
Before I told him I liked him though, I told him that he needs to come hang out sometime, watch movies; and he said okay, that it sounded fun! He also might be coming to my New Years Eve party. But he's so cool about everything, and it's confusing me.
I don't like to think he likes me as anything more than a friend, but sometimes it's what I get from the way he acts. He's always making me laugh and smile and he always cheers me up. But I feel like I'm always last on his list. Although, because of a joke, he calls me "Daddy". Haha and it's really sweet. But, then again, he rarely starts the conversation, he just ends it.
Please, can you give me any advice for what I should do? I want to know what you all think. Advice and input is greatly appreciated!!

[jaime90]

Smart and funny, is not almost perfect. There are alcoholics who are smart and funny... Your view of who you should date needs to go beyond, "he's just cool, I like him, we talk all the time, and he makes me smile." Love is way more intense, and complicated. If you're not looking for a long-lasting relationship, then you should expect to break up with this guy IF a relationship ever started- however I don't advise trying to start one.

You told him that he should tell you that he doesn't like you, yet you invite him to hang out? If you have feelings for a guy and you WANT to get over him, you will only cultivate more hurt by hanging out. If you really want to get over him, stop nagging him, and stop hanging out as though you are in a relationship.

It would be extremely disrespectfull and manipulative to try to get a guy to like you, who has already made his feelings known- he is interested in someone else. You say that you are willing to do anything to attempt to get him to like you more. This is completely wrong, and it is a trap that many girls your age (even older) fall into. You feel the pressure to have a boyfriend, or there's a guy you like and you would do ANYTHING to win him over, including compromising your own boundaries, limits, and beliefs. When you do this, you can end up in an abusive relationship, or end up with someone that you thought you knew, then realize that you didn't really know them. You could end up going too far with the guy just to keep him around.

If you really did care for him, you would respect his feelings, and leave it rest.

[heronk38]

That's just the thing. I don't know what his feelings are. He's never said he didn't like me, and he's also never mentioned the name of the girl he likes. So I have no way of being sure.

He's also more than smart and funny, his whole personality it amazing. And we had plans to hang out before I asked him if he liked me or not.

I know he wouldn't be going anywhere if I don't "go out with him". He's my friend, and I have at least 3 more years with him because of High School and he's on the TARC team.

And let me rephrase this: I do not want to force him to like me. I'm just tired of the mind games, I hate mind games. One second he acts like he likes me, and the next he isn't talking to me. It's on and off. The sad thing is I've tried, and I can't get over him. I think I just have to learn to deal with the way he acts, and wait for someone else to come.

Like one of my friends said, if he doesn't realize what he's missing out on, then he isn't worth the time. But... in my opinion, he is...

Does that sound better?

[jaime90]

Much! And thanks for the agree... I'm actually a teenager too- only 19. And I have only been with one man who I'm engaged to, and have never dated a day in my life. I'm not sure why I have this knowledge of relationships, or where it came from.

There IS a way of knowing how he feels! Stop looking at the signs he's putting off, and don't read so far into it, or you will drive yourself crazy- more so than you already have... Just ASK HIM! Talk to him. Be open. Be honest. And communicate. Communication is #1. If you want any future relationships to work, you need to learn to talk about anything and everything- starting with asking the guy how he feels for you. (oh, and make sure your conversations aren't one sided. Don't make it about you and your feelings- make it all about him. If you are good enough friends and you don't come off too strong, it will feel less-awkward.)

[heronk38]

Thank you!

I have to admit though, he isn't the closest friend I've got. I've only recently started talking to him almost every night and in school a little. Maybe a little over a month ago I became friends with him.

He isn't a very talkative person, so most of the time, he asks me stuff and I answer him. I try to be as honest as I can when he asks me anything, but recently I've had some issues with trust and its hard. Of course, him and I have already had this discussion... we think similarly when it comes to opening up. But he gets the best of me and asks what's up when I'm not okay.

Its hard to describe how I feel about him, but then again, unless you're in love, it's hard to describe anything with all the drama and mixed feelings towards people these days. So I'll leave you with, I really like him, and even though he knows I like him, he hasn't let it interfere. He goes on like nothing ever happened, which, to me, is great!! I love that!

And my friend told me I should just try to be as... not needy as possible, which would be easier if he weren't always on AIM and I didn't always have a question for him. She also said that I should try to be more flirty with other guys around him, but I don't want him thinking I'm a whore or anything. And its not ahrd to be around other guys when he's there, because most of my friends are guys. I'd ask him if he liked me, but I can't get up the nerve to do it. It's a hard thing to ask.

And you'd be surprised at how much attention boys give you when you bring them cookies... hehehe

Also, CONGRATS on the engagement! :)

[jaime90]

Thanks heronk38!

Learn more about the guy through friendship, and put the relationship idea on the back burner for now. I was friends with my now fiancé for 2 years before feelings for each other appeared. Friendship is THE BEST foundation for a relationship, and it should come before the romance, not after. Learn about him through friendships, and don't try to make it anything more than it is. You're a little young to deal with the drama that comes with a relationship, so learn more about guys- esp. this guy. The more you know about him before a relationship (if any) starts, the better!
Instead of trying to get him to like you (which has got to be awkward for him), or flirting, or prying, be friends with him. Don't act like you are trying to get him into a relationship with you, and don't play the "flirt with guys so he's jealous" card... That's very immature. Be mature, take a step back, hangout with him, and be observant of who he is. Keep it at friendship level for now until you're a little older, and until you know more about this guy. (and especially until he decides to choose a young lady to date.)

[heronk38]

Wow! Thank you. That makes a LOT of sense. But I was talking to him last night, and for the first time, HE brought up me liking him. He texted me late at night and told me to get on AIM and then he asked me how I knew I liked him if I didn't know him that well. And I replied with the most logical answer I could; "you can't control it, it just happens". And he said he doesn't think he could like someone until he really knew them. And I have issues opening up, like I said, and he said that he would answer anything I wanted to know about him honestly. But I was thinking, "getting to know someone isnt about answering random questions like whats your fave color and how many siblings do you have. when you know someone, they can tell you everything on their mind before you ask without hesitation." and I told him that, and he said that it would be easier if I opened up, so I told him id try my hardest to tell him everything, if he did too.

You're right. I haven't done anything drastic about this yet, I've still been trying to figure out what to do, hence the post. So, I'm going to do what you said and just KEEP IT FRIENDLY!! Which makes a LOT of sense, since you explained it. We were talking about my new years eve party today, and he's going to ask about it. We'll have to see how it goes.

Anymore advice? You have been a HUGE help!

[jaime90]

It's good that he has made his feelings known. It sure relieves you of the confusion! You are wise to practice opening up with this guy- relationships revolve around open communication and honesty. It's also very mature of you to keep things friendly until you know a little more about him (not talking on the phone for several hours a night, but knowing his behaviors, how he treats his family and friends, his pros and cons, his quirks, etc.) I mean, you want to date your best friend, right? Not a stranger. Getting to know the guy before you get romantic emotions involved will save you from a lot of possible complications that could arise in a future relationship. (Like, thinking you know the guy until a new little problem comes up, or you find out he wasn't who you thought he was, etc.)
Anyway, keep the communication open, and work on building a strong friendship with this guy to where you can trust and rely on each other. (I normally wouldn't give dating advice to someone so young- but you seem very mature beyond your age- plus, I met my fiancé when I was only 15.)


I have a question for you though, what are you dating for? Are you dating for the experience, or are you dating for long-term? Are you dating for sport, or are you looking for guys that are potential marriage material, etc?

[heronk38]

Thank you! I've been told many times that I am mature beyond my age group, and I am, even more so than a LOT of kids in my school. Probably even more so than this boy... but yeah, I will keep it open and friendly, like you said. Because that makes sense. Completely, as I have said.

And how you said I could always find different quirks and pros and cons with this guy.. you are right. Something could go wrong and I could see him for something I didn't know he was. And I've known him, like really know him (I only say that because I MET him about a year ago), for a little over a month, and he acts like we're good friends, like okay friends, and its fun! He's just a great person, and I've already gotten a background check on how he acts around his family. More than once. And everyone that knows him loves him too!

Oh! And today, I was bakin cookies, and he called me. He's never called me before. And I picked up and he's like HELLO! And that made me laugh, because I didn't know what he was calling me for. Like if it was an accidental call or whatnot. Haha and it turned out that he was bored and with his friend, and they were walking to his friends house. And then he found out I was baking cookies and asked me to bring him some on Monday! It made me smile...

Also, I'm not looking for someone to date. I really like this kid, and I guess I would kind of be looking for something special, something meaningful. But then I also think I'm in 9th grade, and not many relationships last very long until you get older, although I have a few friends that in serious relationships and are VERY happy. So you never know...

Thanks again! :)

[jaime90]

Good for you! It's always best to wait for the guy that you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with (and believe me, he is well worth the wait!)
Waiting also means that when you start to date, or go out with him, you can be darn sure that he's showing his true colors, instead of putting on the "nice guy" façade. (Almost ALL guys do this in the early stages of a relationship, they want to believe they are nice guys, and since most women are looking for their "Prince Charming," they fall for it.)

[heronk38]

Ah yeah. I already covered that with him too. He jokes around a lot. And I know you can never be sure if he's being honest or not, but I think you also have to trust it for a while too, and see what happens. You can never be certain, so I think I am going to have to test it out. I'll wait a while, like you suggested, and see how he is in a few months. He hasn't changed his personality around me, in person or over aim, at all the last month or so. And I bet it would be pretty hard to keep up an act in person and over aim, especially when people who DO know him are around.

Also, that's happened to me before. But with a friend, not a guy I liked. So it wasn't that bad.

But you are right. If he's really going to be the right guy, he'll be worth the wait. And I'm really in no hurry.

Oh! And your quote at the bottom, about love is SO true! Thanks (:

[heronk38]

Oh, and earlier, when I said I'm not looking for someone to date, I meant I'm not looking for someone to date, JUST to date. Sorry, had to clarify...

[jaime90]

Every happiness to you two! He sounds like a decent guy. Good luck!

[AManWithNoName]

Alotta guys I know say to me," Andrew, girls are crazy" and I can't help but to agree, but guys are crazy too, because when a cute girl flirts we are either too cocky or nervous about it, just wanted to say, I don't know how that helps, but it sounds like it would

[heronk38]

Thank you Jaime.

And "AManWithNoName" who's name is Andrew, it's good to have your opinion here, because you are a guy, and girls aren't exactly eperts on guys. But guys are.
And it does kind of. I can see how he would be too nervous or shy to notice. But I don't know yet. I'm going to give it time... any more advice?

[AManWithNoName]

Yeah
That cliché, where the guy has to ask the girl out is out dated, if a cute girl asked me out on a date I'd be pleasently surprised, and probubly say yes weather or not I have feelings for the girl, maybe that's just how I feel
I just recently asked a girl out and got a bunch of excuses," ohh i got chear practice all week" so I asked if she wanted to hang out right after shool instead, not nessasarly a date date, but close, and she said yes, I didn't take no for an answere, but I didn't push her