[V00D00]

My girlfriend says she loves me, we've been together for 18 months, living together for a year. The little things are really adding up and I just feel emotionally exhausted.

I recently got a small promotion at work so some colleagues invited me out to celebrate. On the same night though we had already arranged to meet my girlfriends mates for a drink close to where I work. We decided to do both so first went to meet her friends. Her friends ask her what we've been up to, any news etc, she says 'nothing' I mention my promotion, 'oh yeah, A's a manager now' (I was a manager before, senior manager in fact and was just promoted a pay grade). As the time was approaching that we said we'd leave my girlfriend seemed sorry to go so I say, 'let's stay for one more but definitely have to leave in 30 minutes to make it to my celebration'. 30 minutes passes and I nudge her to say let's go - 'I'll just get so-and-so a drink' another 25 minutes later we get to leave. Rushing for the train to my celebration I say 'I really would have liked to leave on time because I'm happy about my promotion and I haven't seen a few of my colleagues from another office for a while' the response was 'YOU SAID THAT WE COULD STAY LONGER, IT's NOT MY FAULT, YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST MADE US LEAVE!)... blazing row, I go to my celebration alone.

I know this seems really petty but it happens every single time we go out. She demeans me in some way, as if she's embarrassed of being seen to even like me. A friend of hers has constistently been incredibly rude to me to the extent that many other people have commented on it. My girlfriends response? 'she's just like that', it doesn't occur that she should maybe stick up for me, get me out of the situation etc, maybe have a word with her mate about her behaviour, but no, it's fine for me to be treated like dirt.

I used to be outgoing, out every other night, running events, promotions, lots of friends and confidence. Now I rarely go out, have lost touch with most of my mates (she doesn't like me going out places where there are other women) and no longer have the confidence to do anything. I know I shouldn't have let things get this bad but when I let her know about things that upset me, she tells me how actually she's not to blame and I end up apologising to her. She says she loves me and sees us being together when we're old and grey but I don't think she even likes me. She treats me like a stranger and never just has a chilled conversation with me. She can't ask if I'm ready for dinner without saying... "are you hungry yet, is it ok to start dinner, we don't have to, if your not hungry yet that's fine we can wait, it's no problem, just let me know I honestly don't mind", I think; 'fancy some dinner yet' is enough when people know each other, she talks to me as if I'm some distant relative visiting. It's like this with virtually every single conversation we have.

I no longer want to have sex with her because it feels like having sex with a stranger, though I've been more relaxed having sex with strangers in the past.

Does this sound normal? I don't want to throw away a relationship and end up alone because I'm being to picky or wanting it all, I know you have to compromise in a relationship, but how much?

[jaime90]

You cannot hang onto a relationship with a disrespectful, controlling woman because you are afraid of being alone. You do have to compromise in a relationship- but you should not compromise things that are important to you, or basic human rights like: your freedom to hangout with and befriend whoever you want, and your own comfortability at home... If she is depriving you of these things, I think a break should be in mind, or maybe even a break-up, especially if you are only hanging on because you don't want to be alone, this would be very unfair to her. If you are simply afraid to be alone, you need to come to terms with things yourself, and a quick breakup with no contact should be in order. Try to make it as clean as possible.
Your story reminds me of a couple that has been together for 30 years and they are simply bored of each other. The wife is moody and nagging, the man is at his wits end and has basically given up. In the future, it would do your relationship good to become a student of your partner. Make it a point to learn something new about them everyday or so. And she should learn something about you everyday too. When you are always learning, always interested, and always intrigued and captivated by a woman because she is consistently revealing a little more of herself (not physically) everyday, you will never get bored.

[Devorameira]

You are obviously not happy and it seems like you haven't been for quite a long time. This is such an unhealthy relationship. My advice is - RUN!


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Little kindness and courtesies are so important. In relationships, the little things are the big things. - Stephen R. Covey

[talaniman]

The choice most partners have to make is, can we enjoy the good and deal with the bad.

None of us is that perfect that we don't have flaws, or things that bug the hell out of our partners, but over time, the more we learn about them, you will see things you don't like, or that irritate you. That's when we have to make a decision if the things that bother us matter that much, or can be dealt with.

That's where you are now, On the learning curve of realizing she is not perfect, and indeed has things about her that irritates you. As she will have with you.

The way you deal with it is what counts, and if you can have the kind of honest communications that allows you both to talk, and listen to each other without resentments, or blame, you can work through these things, and get resolutions.

I also think, from what you have written, you may be a bit passive about expressing yourself, and retreating to a safe position, or what you think is safe, instead of just putting your feelings out there.

Beware that this is what leads to misunderstandings, as no one can read your mind, nor know what you want unless you tell them. I would certainly be more expressive just so others know how you feel, and what you expect.

Partners that deal with the good, AND the bad can survive.

[talaniman]

emopunk7 agrees: Hey TMan...so her yelling that he is the one who said they can stay later and then letting him go alone to the celebration is okay? She does this a lot he says...Sounds like my ex!

Sometimes I stay away from specifics when alcohol is involved. That's a deal changer by itself.

[emopunk7]

Smart guy TMan!

[Gemini54]

I think that you're putting the blame on to her for something that you need to do yourself. Be assertive.

Agreed, from what you say it sounds like she puts the things that are wrong in your relationship back on to you, but you don't have to meekly accept it.

There are some red flags here and the lack of care, closeness and connection is of concern. Some people are like this, and she may be one of them.

I suggest that you let her know that you're unhappy. In good relationships people listen to each other. Ask her to listen without commenting and don't make everything out as if it's her fault. This will just put her on the defensive.

Start being clear about what you want and what your needs are without being a bully. Don't argue with her or turn it into a contest of wills, simply state your case and let her know what you want.

Give it a try for a while. If it all goes pear shaped, she has a melt down and you're still unhappy then it's time to reconsider the longevity of the relationship.

Don't let the fear of being alone force you into staying in a relationship which makes you unhappy. You deserve what you get if you do this.

[V00D00]

You guys are great. This is something I've been unhappy and worried/depressed about for a while, obviously friends and family have opinions but they can be bias/don't want to overstep the mark etc. Getting honest straight-forward advice is a breath of fresh air. Thanks for taking the time out to respond.

To Gemini54, I came to this conclusion too and have tried it, it still results in her saying, 'yeah BUT I'm not responsible... ' I seriously cannot remember her once saying 'sorry I upset you' sometimes 'I'm sorry if you're upset BUT... '

What you said about care, closeness and connection - this is what I want.

FYI I'm a woman, though I didn't make it clear looking back, just goes to show that relationships/people are the same regardless of what the set-up is, male and female aren't different species, we're all the same. Thanks for the advice I do really appreciate it. I still feel I want to make this work but not sure it can, if it can't I've got a bit more confidence that ending it is the right thing.

Carry on the good work folks.

[Devorameira]

I can see by your last post that you're going to be just fine regardless of the outcome. You deserve to be happy and have love and respect. Good luck!