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QuEeNy01 · Dec 6, 2009, 10:25 PM

I am engaged to the love of my life that treats me like a Queen! He is so wonderful but, as much as I feel for him, I am having a hard time picturing his last name as mine. I just don't like the name at all. It's fine along with his name of course, that's what I know him as. I really dislike the way it sounds with mine. It's sad because I always imagined changing my name when I got married. I am afraid to tell him because his ex used to make fun of how she would never take his last name if they decided to get married. I know he wants me to take it but how do I tell him I can't?

Alty · Dec 6, 2009, 10:29 PM

OMG! You're in love, you want to get married and your stressing about a last name?

Just tell him the truth, that you don't like it and want to keep your name instead.

Either that or get over it, marry him, take his last name and learn to live with something that is really not that big a deal.

Good luck.

Gemini54 · Dec 6, 2009, 11:40 PM

If you really don't like it, just tell him. Sounds like he's used to it anyway!

Keep your own name or hyphenate it with his. Alternatively you can both make up a new name and use that! There are choices - it just depends how unconventional you want to be.

Remember, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

I wish · Dec 7, 2009, 07:07 AM

What's more important.

Love or a name?

Get your priorities straight.

redhed35 · Dec 7, 2009, 07:12 AM

You could always not marry him and try and find someone with a last name that matches yours... hmmm,that sounds extreme...

You love him,he loves you,find a compromise... maybe double barreled...

And what about future children?

Talk about it.. your going to be married,if you can't say something as simple as your dislike for his last name,its going to get a lot tougher in the years ahead.

talaniman · Dec 7, 2009, 10:09 AM

Talk about it, work it out, or don't get married. If you can't resolve such a small issue, there is no future. It is a small issue.

hollylovesbrandon · Dec 7, 2009, 07:45 PM

Seriously? Is this a serious question? What the **** is wrong with you. You're in love, supposedly. I don't even think that if I was in love with someone I would even think about last name. Who cares? He's yours... your his. Take his name and get over it or don't take his name and get over it. Geez, I believe I've heard it all.

QLP · Dec 7, 2009, 08:40 PM

I don't think this is silly. Our names are part of our identity and how we see ourselves. If it doesn't feel right and makes you uncomfortable why should you have to have a name you dislike?

On the other hand, it's important to your fiancée too, he obviously felt rejected when his last girlfriend rejected his name.

However, it's absolutely not worth blowing a good relationship for. Just be honest but kind. Tell him you love him and his name is part of him and you love that part too, but it's not a part of you and not something you want to be called by. Work together on finding a compromise. Maybe he would like to take your name - it's only convention you're trying to adhere to but you two can do whatever you want.

You will have bigger issues to deal with in your relationship but start as you mean to go on, with good honest but thoughtful communication. In a sense that makes this important. There will no doubt be other times when you are torn between doing what feels right for you and making sure he is happy too, handling this right will give you confidence when things come along in the future which are harder.

Jake2008 · Dec 8, 2009, 01:53 AM

I have a feeling if you find this to be a problem before you are married, how are you going to handle him leaving socks on the floor, or the toilet seat up.

I would be embarrassed to even bring the topic up with him.

QuEeNy01 · Dec 13, 2009, 07:44 PM

I understand that there seems to be some sort of confusion. I do not get in a tizzy over unimportant things like socks on the floor. I don't see it as a tiny, minor problem that is ridiculous for me to think about. I have already encountered many serious and difficult problems in our relationship and have not had issues doing such. The name change is significant & it seems like most of you don't realize how big of a meaning it has. It is a huge, major step and I just wanted some perspective on how to approach something that I saw as an issue. It is a difficult place to be honestly no matter if you see it as insignificant or not. Different people see things from different perspectives.

Jake2008 · Dec 13, 2009, 07:53 PM

If you have already encountered many serious and difficult problems in your relationship, as you said, and have not had issues doing such, which I presume to mean you solved the problems- together, then the name seems a bit overkill doesn't it? His name is who he is, his parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, generations of people.

If the name is good enough for all of them, why are you having such a problem with it.

I won't comment again, except to say you are right about one thing, I do not see the issue as significant whatsoever.

hollylovesbrandon · Dec 13, 2009, 08:17 PM

Nor do I.

JoeCanada76 · Dec 13, 2009, 08:19 PM

Many Many Many people get married. Many Many Many women decide to keep their own last name and not take their husbands. Does not make you less of a wife or less married.

Joe

Fr_Chuck · Dec 23, 2009, 09:23 PM

My wife uses her maiden name, and I had a ex wife change her name to our old married name because she preferred it ( don't ask me)

hheath541 · Dec 23, 2009, 09:40 PM

I can understand why this is bothering you. Sometimes it's the little things that are the hardest to bring up. Maybe you feel silly that it bothers you. Maybe you're afraid that he'll think that you won't be able to handle the truly big issues if you can't handle this. Maybe you're afraid that it'll bring up old issues for him. There are a million little things that can make your brain run in circles over a relatively unimportant issue.

You need to talk to him. That, alone, will take away a lot of the worry. If he really loves you, then he won't mind if you keep your maiden name. After all, his parents named him with his last name in mind, your's didn't.

Until you talk to him, you're going to keep wondering and worrying. Just make it clear that it's the only part about marrying him you are unsure of. The last thing you want is to have to break it to him on your wedding day.

asking · Dec 23, 2009, 09:56 PM

Keep your name. I don't think you need to tell him you don't like his name. Why hurt his feelings if you don't have to? My guess is that in the long run, you'll get used to his name. But the important thing is that no one in this day and age needs to justify not changing their name at marriage. You are you. If he seems unhappy just make sure he knows you love him and it's not about him. If he really wants detailed reasons, tell him that's one of them (your not liking the way the name sounds).

When I was newly married I decided to keep my name and several people confronted me (including my husband) and wanted to know why I was "keeping my father's name instead of my husband's," as if those were my only two choices. I said that it was not my father's name, but my name, given to me at birth, a birthday present from both my parents. I said I treasured my name and did not want to throw it away. I found this a very good response. Nobody could ever think of an answer back. It is really no one's business but yours whether you keep your own name or change it.

JBeaucaire · Dec 23, 2009, 10:19 PM

My take..

Tell him you love him, but don't really care for his last name. Be honest without being cruel.

Then marry him and take his last name proudly.

This is what a marriage is made of, it is a measure of the things we are willing to do and then do for our lifemates.

Then try not to let it bother you too much, be sure to laugh about it with your mate so he can help you keep in good spirits over it.

asking · Dec 24, 2009, 08:50 AM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

My take....?

Tell him you love him, but don't really care for his last name. Be honest without being cruel.

Then marry him and take his last name proudly.

This is what a marriage is made of, it is a measure of the things we are willing to do and then do for our lifemates.

Then try not to let it bother you too much, be sure to laugh about it with your mate so he can help you keep in good spirits over it.

Wow! I couldn't disagree more. I think if you were in the position of being pressured to erase your former identity as a "ticket" to a happy marriage, you would certainly want to think it over. Would you two change your names if your wives asked you to? I'm guessing you would have a hard time even imagining what that would be like. I tried it myself and found it very weird to sign someone else's name on checks and documents and have people address me by someone else's name.

Changing your name is a personal choice and I HOPE it's not "what a marriage is made of." What exactly does it gain the husband beyond a sense of ownership? Is a sense of ownership really so critical to a successful marriage?

Life is full of things we don't want to do, but not all of them are worth doing. I am sure neither of you would like to change your names to your wives' name, but does that mean you should do it?

JBeaucaire · Dec 24, 2009, 09:03 AM

First:

I am sure you cannot speak to the specifics of what anyone other than yourself would do. Feel free to do that in support of your positions on any topic. No attitude intended, but I'm just reminding you that it isn't a valid argument point to say "I'm sure you agree with me on ________".

Clearly on this point, we disagree, so your "I'm sure...." suppositions are in error beyond that.

=========

Regarding my position, I was pretty clear in my statements. This IS the kind of thing that marriage is made of, the willingness to do uncomfortable or odd-feeling things IS one of the bases for creating and developing and maintaining a household.

The constant need to "have our way" on things is the bastion of the single mindset (and appropriately so). Keeping that in marriage is missing the point, marriage is supposed to be about giving to each other's lives... and yes, I do mean in BOTH directions.

I agree with you in that there's no reason to expect anyone will automatically change their names, female or male. The OP, nor I, indicated pressure of any kind is being applied, you added that.

But to get along in life, sometimes you DO have to "go along". And yes, I do mean WE have to give in to some things we don't want to do, no matter how horrible that thought is to some people.

A comedian once offered this interesting idea... that you can have any 2 of the 3 following things:

1) Your way
2) A spouse
3) Contentment and peace

Pick which two want and think about the one you're giving up. Just because he was a comedian, I have found this to be surprisingly insightful.

(Before an argument ensues, of course some lucky people get all three... but it is beyond lucky to have a spouse that gives you peace AND your way all time.)

=======
Obviously the OP and her fiancé will work this out, will discuss it and come to an amicable decision. But when it's done, they will have to LIVE with each other and the cultural and emotional affects of the choice(s) they make.

So it's worth pointing out all the benefits of not making this an issue bigger than it needs to be.

asking · Dec 24, 2009, 09:34 AM

Hi BJ, I often agree with you, but not here.

Of course, in principle, relationships mean compromises. I don't think it was necessary for you to belabor that point as I think it's pretty obvious. I just disagree that this particular decision should be viewed as critical to a happy marriage. I do not think you've made any argument for how this benefits the husband or the marriage. You are taking that as a given when it's far from obvious.

I can think of other marital situations that are obvious. Husband gets home late night after night, yet expects dinner on the table when he gets there. He has to either start being on time or stop expecting a hot dinner.
OR: Wife wants husband to help with the housework and kids more but criticizes how he does things. She should either do it herself or get off his back.

I am saying a name change isn't one of those situations. It's lose-lose for the wife and no gain for the husband. It's her choice and she has stated clearly that she doesn't want to take his name. That should be fine. It doesn't hurt him in any way. If you think it does, I think you should make a case for that--not vague arguments about doing things we don't like!