[Imnoloser]

We've been together for 10 years we have 2 kids.I'm a failed muscian who never made a living for his self and hasn't held a job for more then 6-8 months.I started smoking weed when I was 9yrs old and I'm thirtythree now.so I've "selfmedicated" all the emotions I really ever had to deal with.So when we had problems I delt with them the same way,she on the other hand pushed them to the side.We've broken up before but got back together for the sake of the kids.now she is done and I have no choice so my question is when you still live together how can I do the whole getting over her thing?

[Gemini54]

I don't really know how to answer this because your post presents with so MANY issues.

It seems to me, and I'm not trying to be harsh, that getting over the mother of your children is the least of your problems. The fact that you continue to live together poses huge issues, as does your unemployment, drug addiction, your children and of course, the relationship break up.

What will it take for you to deal with your issues? Do you want your children growing up knowing they have a druggie dead-beat for a father? Is this the sort of example you want them to take into their adult lives? It seems to me that these are the issue you actually need to be dealing with.

You need to stop smoking weed. Do whatever it takes and take yourself to a doctor, hospital, drug rehabilitation center. You are still young and you can do it. Take it one step at a time and don't be disheartened if you slip back. Just do it!

You need to find work. Even if you start by doing something unskilled, or casual you need to get back into the routine of doing SOMETHING. You should be supporting your children and helping your GF to support them. You need to be supporting yourself too and making new friendships and connections away from the druggie crowd.

You need to move out. If your relationship is really over then you need to find somewhere else to live - not with other people that smoke. It's not fair to your GF or your children that you continue to live with them and you need to get independent and start creating your own life.

If the relationship isn't over then turn over a new leaf. Tell her you're burning all the weed and you're going to get professional help for your problems.

Put her and the children first if you stay.
Put yourself and the children first if you leave.

Just do something.

[Imnoloser]

All this happened in the first week of sept.since then I went to detox and stopped smoking weed found a job but it pays on Commission so its not going so good with the money.After so many "1 more chances" I asked her to give me a last chance to prove I can change and be the leader that was hiding behind the clouds of weed smoke.sice then I've been doing more around the house and I feel like she's taking advantage of my stepping up.But I have to explain more details for you to get the full understanding of our relationship.When we started she was on the rebound and I was also so we both got caught up in the "hero" syndrome it was to soon after breakups for both of us.The thing that get me is the word animosity and the bulid up of it.in the first three years the build up was so much that all we did was argue and even break up a few times but we still ended up making up but we ever solved th problem that was at hand and that's the problem now.Like I the book "Men are from mars....."I was always looking for a solution and she just wanted to vent.With her venting I felt like I was being the problem so I was going about it wrong.We've had shouting matches that have turned to fights.now I'm not proud to say that I hit her and I can say she started it but all in all it was my decision to hit her and not walk away.She stayed because she wanted my son around me and she know how important that relationship is to him.When we had our second child we didn't talk until she was 7 months but I knew the baby was mine.after she was born we really didn't talk too much about the relationship we went on as normal.But as we needed to provide for to kids I went looking for a job and hurt my foot in the process.my injury lasted three and a half months so when I did recover I was out looking again but didn't find any thing until three months after that.Whe I started working I thought the strees would let up but it made more problems.I worked as a parking lot attendant so my apperence counted for higher tips but once I started to keep it up to a certain standard she started pondering why.While working I met some one who heard some of my music and wanted to work with me,he wanted me to meet with his partners so they could get know me but told me to raise my level of apprence and to her I was trying to impress a female rather than taking better care of myself.We met and they told me I had a chance to work with "chris brown" but then he got in trouble and the pulled out and I was left hanging and when that happened I was so mad at them that I left them alone .she took it as the girl didn't want me so I came crawling back to her.when I tried to explain she didn't believe me. Then the economy went bad and I got laid off and I took it bad but she told me "don't worry I got you"and that surprised me we were cool up until my birthday me and my mom got into a fight and she pulled away from me.We talked and I wanted her to know that I was thinking about how things have wnt between us and I felt at fault for most of our problems and I wanted to change from that point I started to change little by little every day but was going about it wrong.I was still smoking and that's what clouded the my "TRAIN OF THOUGHT" that's when I realized that I was addicted to weed and wanted to get help.a few weeks later we had a bad argument and she said she's done that's when I checked into detox and all that stuff

[jmjoseph]

Are you still smoking weed? How about when you hurt your foot on the job hunt, did you take painkillers?

If you are an addict, then you belong in a 12 step program. Detox alone will not change your life.

I am an alcoholic/addict and am in full recovery. I also am in AA. So I know the game all to well.

You cannot take pills, smoke weed, drink, nothing. Total abstinence is the key. I don't care if you are in pain. I am in severe pain right now, recovering from surgery, but only take Motrin and Tylenol. So no excuses.

And as far as her "taking advantage" of you standing up and helping out finally, so what? It's about time she got some help from you.

Who bought the weed?

I am a musician myself, but have never relied on my music alone for income.

There are jobs out there, go find one. Doing something that you do not like? Again, so what? Money is money.It doesn't matter where you get it as long as it's legal, and safe.

I don't care who starts the argument, there is never a reason that justifies hitting her, so don't blame her for YOU losing YOUR temper.

If you want to salvage this mess that you've gotten yourself into, go get into a program, get a job, and start being a husband to your wife. She needs you to be a grow up. Right now she probably feels like you are her oldest child.

Sorry for being so harsh, but you threw it out there, and you get what you get.

Good luck.

[Devorameira]

If she's been fighting with you for a lengthy period over your not working and your smoking weed, she may have just gotten totally burned out on the relationship. You may be trying to do "too little, too late".

If I were you I would be looking around for another job and an apartment and would move on.

[Fr_Chuck]

First if you are living together there is no way to get over them, and even sharing kids where you have just see each other every week, it takes a long long time even then.

And sorry if I am going to see that you are using smoking dope as an excuse for what you are doing, it does not make you act differently than you want to. But does make you lazy to work at change.

So you want to really fix things if at all possible. Stop smoking pot, go out and get a job and start being caring