[chikiemonki]

When it comes to my heart, I get nothing but pain

I was abused physically and severaly abused emotionally growing up
Neglected and blamed by my parents
I have since removed them from my life

Only now am I realising the damage done
I see a counsellor but its more just an outlet to vent

I have tried many relationships with different people
Most recently with a great guy I have been friends with for a long time
But I can never get close
As soon as the relationship becomes something something in my brain freaks out and I end up running away from the relationship, be horrible to the person, or just flat out hating them

There's no reason for this, at least no reason caused by them
I don't know why I can never connect with someone on that level

Is there anyone out there like me
What's wrong with me
What can I do
Will I ever change

[Alty]

I think that you're afraid to let yourself love because then that person will have the power to hurt you, like your parents did.

I'm sure you loved your parents, but all they did was show you the worst part of human behavior. You loved them because they're mom and dad, but all you got for that love was unkindness, abuse.

Will you get better? I think you're on the right path, therapy, trying to mesh your past with your future.

Until you accept your past you won't be able to have a future. It can be a long process. Give yourself time, this didn't happen overnight, it won't be fixed overnight either.

Opening your heart to someone, giving them the power to hurt you, it's not easy.

I wasn't abused by my parents, they were great. I was molested by my cousin from the age of 5 years. Because of that I gave myself to every Tom, Di*k and Harry that came along. I didn't give a damn about myself or any of the countless guys that used me and allowed me to use them.

I had to learn to let the 5 year old me out of the cell I'd locked her into. I didn't want her to be a part of me. It took a lot of strength to keep that cell door closed, to lock her up, not allow her in. Once I opened the door a whole flood of emotions came out. Emotions that I'd been keeping locked up since I was 5.

I'm now happily married, have been for 14 years. We have two beautiful children together and the 5 year old me is very much a part of who I am. I accepted her because it wasn't her fault, our fault.

Continue therapy. Use the sessions as more then just a vent period, let your true thoughts and feelings come out, even if it hurts. Often times we have to feel worse before we can feel better and move on.

I wish you all the best.

[chikiemonki]

Thank you so much

It really means a lot to me
I just not sure what to do with my particular situation

I'm only 17 and living with my grandparents who are in complete denial that their daughter has and is still abusing her two children

My father is almost out of my life except when my poor manipulated brother feels the need to pass on messages for him

My brother doesn't support me, he think the things he has seen are normal and that women usually deserve them. I love my brother and I don't want to cut him out of m life but its hard to be around that

And my mother will often call or drop by to say or do hurtful things

I don't know how to get past my past if people keep dragging me back

[Alty]

You're only 17 so it's harder.

That's not me saying that your age is the problem, it's just a statement. :)

At 17 you have your whole life ahead of you. Sadly you aren't yet legal to make decisions for yourself, to strike out on your own. It's hard to find yourself when you're around people that think they know who you are. Your brother is the perfect example.

I really do think that you're on the right track. I don't think that you should cut your brother out of your life but I do think that you have to talk to him, explain to him that you aren't comfortable with communicating with your father right now, even through him and if he can't stop then you'll have to do what's best for you and cut him out of your life until you have everything under control.

He doesn't have to understand your pain but he does have to respect your wishes.

As for your mother, that one's going to be tough.

I'm not someone that take any crap from anyone. It took a long time for me to get to where I am. I was way past 17. ;)

I know it's not easy but ignore her. If she just comes by to be hurtful then become deaf when she's around. Don't confront her, just ignore her. Nod, grunt, whatever she says don't react other then to dismiss what she's saying. She's doing this to get a reaction, probably because she's extremely unhappy with her own life. No reaction from you and sooner or later she'll get tired of coming over. She'll leave you alone.

My greatest wish for you is to get your family into therapy, learn to be a healthy family, love each other, get over your issues. It's a nice wish but it's not realistic. Because of that, I'm going to say this "Screw them, look out for yourself, get on the right track, do what you have to do to become who I know you can be".