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Crit219 · Dec 4, 2009, 04:40 PM

I'm married and have 3 kids my oldest daughter(13) hates me and its my fault. I always seem to be so hard on her and hurt her feelings. I just felt that I was tyring to make her a good person and more responsible but in the long run she ended up hating me. I was young when I had her(18) and things were great but I think it was more that we were friends, but 2 years ago is when we started having the falling out. Now at home my wife and I fight I'm always stressed and it seems to fall on my daughter and now she thinks that everything is always her fault. If there is a answer on how to fix my relationship with her I would really appriciate it

Just Dahlia · Dec 4, 2009, 04:58 PM

You need to keep being who you are (as long as you are a good person) teenagers some times are difficult:rolleyes::eek: and don't like adults for their own reasons.
Just be honest with her, whether she likes it or not (you can still be her friend) but be her Parent first.
Unless you have done something unspeakable, they get over it as they mature.
That has been my experience and it wasn't easy... I felt unloved.. wronged.. and like I was an A$$. I was a good Mother and after the teen years it all worked out.

Try to remember what you felt when you were a teen.:D

Gemini54 · Dec 4, 2009, 11:04 PM

The important thing is to be aware of your behavior and how it's affecting the dynamic with your daughter.

The second thing is to take small steps to change your behavior.

It's really hard being a 13 year old girl. Lots of things are changing at that age and so it's REALLY important, that as her father you are sensitive to this. You're her dad, not her friend, and she needs your strength and guidance.

Girls need their dads to be strong and tough, but not mean or hurtful. You must really make an effort to be aware and not to hurt her feelings, as she will remember this when she gets older.

If you're stressed and there are problems in your marriage - deal with them - don't take out your anger and frustration on your daughter.

dontknownuthin · Dec 5, 2009, 09:43 PM

My suggestions are to:
- stop arguing in front of her
- focus on what she does right
- read some books about adolescence - if you understand what is normal behavior for her age, it may alleviate your anxiety and make it easier to let things go.
- talk to her about how you felt and what you experienced at her age
- Plan fun things with her that you can both enjoy so she doesn't feel that all she ever does with you is argue and defend herself
- If there are real issues you want her to resolve such as doing homework, picking up after herself, showering or whatever, set up clear expectations, a time for doing these things, and then set rewards and consequences for doing or not doing what is expected. Then you can dole out the reward or consequence and not discuss it. For example, homework not done? No television. Shower not done? No going out with friends. Room not clean? Nobody comes in, nobody goes out until it's done.

Above all, be reasonable, balanced (more compliments than criticisms) and fair and tell her the important things like, "you are very beautiful, smart, important to me, precious, funny, talented..."

Crit219 · Dec 6, 2009, 01:30 AM

I just want to ty all the comments I really appriciate them. I did see that a lot of the things said I need to work on and will definitely try all of them. The only bad thing is that her mother and I deciced that maybe we should split after the holidays. Does any one think this will affect how I try to change with my daughter or will she think it is all her fault?