[Withering]

My husband doesn't hit, but he yells - a lot. He yells at me, he yells at the kids. It doesn't take much - a messy house, a teen who doesn't want to wash dishes. When I ask him to stop yelling, it turns on me. Then he calls me names and says a lot of really mean things, because "I never support him". I try to tell him that it isn't necessarily that I don't agree with his point (the house is messy or whatever the problem is), but I think yelling is abusive, and so is the name calling and ugly remarks. I tried to leave him before, but he said he would go to counselling. He and we did for a while, but now its just the same old same old. Does this ever change? Does it get worse? Is there any way to make such a marriage and family work? Or am I just prolonging the inevitable?

[Gemini54]

I agree, it’s abusive behaviour and when you respond he makes you wrong because you’ve criticizing the yelling.

I think the thing is, to respond differently to the yelling. It seems as if his behaviour is a learned reaction and it gets the reaction that he wants – he gets your attention. So, stop giving him attention and make a real effort to not respond to the yelling.

Why don’t you talk to your teenagers and you all decide simply not to respond. Walk out of the room, change the subject, keep a poker face when he starts – don’t yell back, talk back, ask him to stop, or try and negotiate with him. Simply do not acknowledge his words and keep doing whatever it was, or if he’s too aggressive leave the room.

Once he quietens down then don’t refer to his behaviour but respond to whatever the request was. If he was abusive, let him quietly know that none of you are prepared to be called names and that you’ll only speak to him if he can keep his language and temper under control. Don’t argue - just let him know the rules have changed and that none of you will interact with him when he’s disrespectful

Agree with the kids that you’ll do it for a week or a fortnight. See how it goes.

In any case, you will need to get him back to counselling – he needs to deal with his anger and control issues and the fact that this is eroding your marriage and his relationship with his children.

[JoeCanada76]

Yelling happens, it is human nature. When somebody does not have the tools to deal with their anger. Now getting to the root of the problem. What is he really mad about, frustrated about. He works hard? Comes home and thinks that he does not get any help or just cool period time?

There are always two sides. I could ask a million questions. Did he always yell like this or has it started at a certain point.

Counseling is important as a couple you two together, but it would also be beneficial if he got some counseling on his own. Even anger management classes. Also you have to look at your part in this as well.

How do you handle it when he yells, could there be ways where you could approach situations differently that might help the situation. It is easy just to blame one person but my instincts are telling me there is more to this then is stated in your post.

I would also suggest you do individual counseling as well.

Marriage is important to work at if one partner feels they are doing all the work then there will always be problems.

Do not go to the same counselor this time. See a different one.
Hope eventually these things get resolved because it does effect the whole family.

Take care,

Joe

[Jake2008]

Maybe he is fighting a losing battle, and has run out of patience.

Just how bad do things have to get before he starts yelling. Dishes piled high, laundry all over the place, kids playing video games, clutter everywhere.

He says you aren't supportive. Perhaps everybody has to take their share of responsibility when things don't get done, instead of making excuses.

Yelling isn't an answer, but then he's not yelling over a couch cushion out of place is he?

[Silver Lining]

Hey Withering,,

I'm sorry to hear about how you are being treated. Well, I can't say whether he will turn to a new leaf. My story might help you decide.

My dad was the kind of person who did a lot of yelling and beating too. He was never happy with anything. Never satisfied. My mom suffered for 29 years. She was abused, so was I. He still yells and beats my mom. I am married and so he can't beat me but he emotionally/mentally abuse me. It never stopped. So much so that he still abuses me, I am 35 weeks+ pregnant. Still getting abused by him. Some men never quit.

[JoeCanada76]

He was never physically abusive. Your situation is different.

[Silver Lining]

Yes indeed Jesushelper76, my situation is very different. Abuses can be in different ways,, mental abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, etc., all these hurt...

Its easy for one to suggest counseling but it's the person on the receiving end who has to deal with it. I might be completely wrong but given my situation, I felt that dealing with a frustrated man is like dealing with a drunkard. Its not easy to convince them.

[SVImager]

I am a yelling husband.

If my wife is in a strong frame of mind she solve my yelling by gently giving me a way back to recognizing my fault (not correcting me in front of the kids) and no big deal and keeping my respect in front of my kids.

She also shuts down totally if she can't deal with me.

When she yells at the kids, I almost always defend my wife's position first and gently back her up on her position without allowing her to escalate the matter by taking Point.

It takes time to take develop that Team strategy... but I agree with the other posters... I believe, there must be another reason why he is so emotionally abusive on the kids. What is he so stress out about? Finance? Life? Work?

[Withering]

All of these things are very good ideas and things to think about... thanks!

[Cat1864]

You ask if it gets worse, but I think the question is, 'has it gotten worse?' Is it back to the point it was before you tried leaving and he agreed to counseling? Did he start slipping back into old habits because of stresses outside the house or because you both got frustrated with other methods or started letting the small slips snowball into major yelling fits again?

What is the point of 'no return' for you? If he agreed to go back to counseling, would you trust that he would stay with it or do you think it would just continue a cycle?

At times when he isn't upset, have you tried getting him back on track by reminding him of the counseling sessions and what you learned in them?