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mommieof03 · Nov 21, 2009, 06:27 PM

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years we have been together almost 9 yrs. He doesn't want to touch me anymore like he use to! He gives me 2 kisses (which are pecks) a day once when he goes to work and once when he goes to bed. I love my husband but I am afraid that I am falling out of love with him because of the passion we no longer have! I don't get attention that I need from him and it hurts! I have tried everything I think! We only have sex like once a month and its only when he wants to. When we have sex he doesn't even please me and he only lasts 5 minutes! I asked him to talk to the doctor but he won't. I know he is faithful because he doesn't have time! What can I do to get the passion back?

JudyKayTee · Nov 21, 2009, 07:20 PM

Have you asked HIM why he has so little interest in sex?

Why does he no longer satisfy you?

I see no indication that he is having an affair but having no time to have an affair has stopped very few people - there are all sorts of ways around that!

Gemini54 · Nov 21, 2009, 10:52 PM

Um, you really need to start TALKING to each other. Passion in a relationship can wax and wane - it often doesn't stay the same.

Talk to him instead of making demands. Try to talk about how you both feel and find out what is happening in his head. You sound as if you want some attention paid to you - but do you pay attention to him?

There is no recipe for 'passion' and there is no quick fix for this sort of problem. It takes hard work and commitment. The really important thing is to communicate with each other - start by paying attention to him, start doing things together and start talking about your feelings, not what you want.

If you really want your marriage to survive, you might think about couples counselling.

Jake2008 · Nov 22, 2009, 03:55 AM

What was sex like with him up until two years ago, when you married him. Was it always a five minute romp in the hay, or was there a time in the not too distant past when love making was more than a wham bam sort of thing.

I ask because if it was one way until the past few years, and it has drastically changed, then there is something wrong. If he has always been this way, only more frequently, then perhaps you need to be more assertive and creative in having your needs met. If he thinks that the five minute thing is okay with you, then things won't change.

You have to figure out as much as you can before asking him to see a Doctor. That could be seen by him as having a 'fault' and you jumping to a conclusion that there is something wrong with him. Start instead with a good heart to heart. He may be fatigued, he may be stressed out at work, he may have a lot on his mind that you are unaware of.

Try to have one night a week together. Get a sitter, and invest a little time in just him. Enjoy his company, catch up on conversations and don't put any pressure on him, just talk. When the time is right, bring up the fact that you are unhappy with your sex life, and want to work on getting it back to where it was. (If it was ever good as I mentioned above) If it has never been satisfactory, and you suspect that he needs some hints, then tell him what you'd like, and find out what he likes too. This could open up a whole new ballgame with innings that last more than five minutes- maybe even overtime!

Get creative. Invest in new undies, light a few candles, create a mood that clearly says crème de broule, instead of cheeze whiz on toast.

Sometimes you have the greatest success in doing small things to make your partner feel special and loved, and this works both ways. Marriage goes through these rough spots, rarely will two people be on the same page all the time. Until you can say that you have done all you can to improve the love making situation, then it is far too early to say he needs to see a Doctor.

Mymama · Nov 22, 2009, 09:40 AM

Try bring toys into your bedroom. It saved my marriage.

ChildOfGod_1 · Nov 22, 2009, 11:04 AM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

Um, you really need to start TALKING to each other. Passion in a relationship can wax and wane - it often doesn't stay the same.

Talk to him instead of making demands. Try to talk about how you both feel and find out what is happening in his head. You sound as if you want some attention paid to you - but do you pay attention to him?

I agree 100%

mommieof03 · Nov 22, 2009, 12:10 PM

Ok! My husaband works at a prison and there is no breaks! I know this because I worked there as well! I have tried doing little things like making the bedroom all clean with candles and I even tried running a hot bath with candles lit for him! I have asked him if we could have a date night but with his scedrule and mine it is hard because he only has sundays and mondays off work! Sundays he tries to spend the day with the kids! I have tried to talk to him but he doesn't have any answers! He keeps saying that it is his medication that he is on! As for counseling that is of that is out of the question! He won't go because of his past

JudyKayTee · Nov 22, 2009, 12:24 PM

What medication is he taking and what is the past history that keeps him from talking to a professional?

I think there is more to this than you are posting and without the missing pieces it is difficult to answer you.

mommieof03 · Nov 22, 2009, 09:02 PM

He is on ambytripilan I don't know if I spelled it right but it is an anti depressant that is commonly used for headaches which he had a lot of, His past history with counselors was a bad experience when his parents were divorced. I know he loves me but I feel as though he does not. He isn't as affectionate as he use to be. I went on a 3 week trip with my kids over the summer and we would email each other. He did tell me that he could never get use to the kids and not being at home. I told him then that I felt as if our marriage was falling apart. I told him that I wanted to find our passion again again like we had 2 years ago. We have been together almost 9 years now. Maybe I expect too much from him! I see my parents who have been together for 36 years and still have the passion! Just makes me wonder what we are doing wrong! It takes two in a marriage

Jake2008 · Nov 23, 2009, 12:29 AM

I'm not so sure you are doing anything wrong, or anything to cause this, either one of you.

You said that he had had a bad experience with counsellors when his parents split up, but that is not to say that as a grown man now, with kids of his own and a worried wife, that he can't arrange the time to go to marriage counselling.

He must have holidays, or if he works shifts, maybe he can attend before he goes in? Why not see what arrangements you can make with his schedule, to go seek help if he's willing. Being too busy isn't a big enough excuse in my book.

There are problems that have to be worked out, and so far the level of communication between the two of you hasn't been enough. Again, not a 'fault', but an indicator that something a little more serious has to happen to get the communication back on track, and give you options, opinions, and insight in how to solve problems.

None of us go through marriage without a lot of angst, to put it mildly. I wouldn't hesitate to speak to a professional marriage counsellor, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

talaniman · Nov 23, 2009, 08:43 PM

He is on ambytripilan I don't know if I spelled it right but it is an anti depressant that is commonly used for headaches

Elavil
(amitriptyline HCI), this is a drug no longer used in the US because of its harmful side effects. Could your problem be a doctor visit, and adjusting, or changing his meds? That's a place to start. A conversation, and full disclosure of his behavior may be just what the doctor needs to know.

Elavil (Amitriptyline) Drug Information: Uses, Side Effects, Drug Interactions and Warnings at RxList#

mudweiser · Nov 23, 2009, 09:24 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Elavil
(amitriptyline HCI), this is a drug no longer used in the US because of its harmful side effects. Could your problem be a doctor visit, and adjusting, or changing his meds? Thats a place to start. A conversation, and full disclosure of his behavior may be just what the doctor needs to know.

Elavil (Amitriptyline) Drug Information: Uses, Side Effects, Drug Interactions and Warnings at RxList#

Call me a skeptic but what if the OP is lying and just got that drug just right off the internet?

If it's no longer used in the US then why and how would he still be on the medication?

Why the OP would lie I don't know--- to make excuses for her hubs.

It's just a thought..

This whole he works in jail and doesn't have time for me seems fishy. I think he does have something going on. You'd think you'd want to take some of that job stress and just let it all out during sex...

I agree with Jake, spice it up.
If he has a hooker fantasy, get some trashy lingerie, put on some make up and bend over.
If he's into warden/jailmate fantasy then get some sexy lingerie, handcuffs and a big ole vibe or sex toy to use as a baton.

Just do SOMETHING to catch his attention. If he doesn't want to sex you up then, that's when you know you have problems...

That's just my opinion

Jake2008 · Nov 23, 2009, 09:46 PM

Amitriptyline HCI is still prescribed.

It can indeed affect sex drive, and has many other side effects.

DoubleCheckMD Side Effects - amitriptyline and Lack of energy/fatigue

Time for the OP's husband to get a checkup.

I think that the brand name, Epival, is no longer available, but the drug is.

mudweiser · Nov 23, 2009, 10:07 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Amitriptyline HCI is still prescribed.

It can indeed affect sex drive, and has many other side effects.

DoubleCheckMD Side Effects - amitriptyline and Lack of energy/fatigue

Time for the OP's husband to get a checkup.

I think that the brand name, Epival, is no longer available, but the drug is.

Thanks Jake! I didn't know that.

QLP · Nov 28, 2009, 04:10 AM

If he is on antidepressents, for whatever reason, and has no time because of his job he probably just doesn't have the energy for sex. Maybe it feels like pressure to him that you want the usual amount of passion when he isn't feeling up to it. Maybe the headaches are because he is also stressed.

I would suggest you try to persuade him to have another chat with his doctor, offer to give him a massage now and again to help him through this bad patch and make you feel closer, and think of some small thing he can do for you in return to make you feel more appreciated until he can get things on track.
Good luck