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jessicasimone · Nov 18, 2009, 06:46 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months now. I know it's crazy but we moved in together about 2.5, 3 months ago. The first month or two we went at it like 2 three times a day. But for the past two, nothing. Nothing at all. I try to touch him and he won't let me. He kisses and is very affectionate but nothing else.

We have a great time together; we go out and party, we laugh, wrestle, joke. Everything is great aside from that. He has asked to marry me on numerous occasions and wants me to meet his parents that live across the country in January.

He has a bit of an alcohol issue and sometimes other activities. I ask him about the problem and he just says he doesn't know why he won't be with me. The past few times I've asked or commented; he just blows me off. He even laughs about it. He's accused me of cheating and I blow him off. He's gotten erections but won't let me touch him even then!

I'm completely and utterly frustrated. Two months is a long time for someone who sleeps with a man every night. He's only 31. (I'm 28) I've gone over so many different situations: is he gay, am I unattractive (totally not the case), is he cheating... I don't know what to do. I want to buy some new lingerie or just grab it but I'm afraid of being rejected. I don't want to dump him over this; he is a great guy but if something doesn't break soon, I have too. Someone help, please!

jmjoseph · Nov 18, 2009, 07:00 PM

[He has a bit of an alcohol issue and sometimes other activities.

What are the "other activities"? Is he smoking weed?

Some people, not all, have a lowered sex drive when they take drugs.

It very well could be the drinking too. Is he an alcoholic?

jessicasimone · Nov 18, 2009, 08:06 PM

He does cocaine socially. I know he doesn't everyday. Maybe once a week. He was an alcoholic and has been to rehab. And when I met him he did more drugs and drunk more but now that he's with me, he doesn't. The last time we had sex, he was drunk. I thought that's the only time he could for a while but he gets erections without being drunk so I don't think that's it. Any clues?

Cat1864 · Nov 18, 2009, 08:30 PM

What happens when he gets 'these erections' and he won't let you near him? Does he masturbate or stop himself from being aroused?

Has he had any erectile difficulties that could cause him to be concerned about attempting intercourse?

Is he affectionate in any other ways like hand holding and cuddling? Is it all when he wants it? What happens if you initiate cuddling, etc.

jessicasimone · Nov 18, 2009, 09:05 PM

He is totally fine with cuddling... he's told me before (when I complained about no sex) that he thinks he makes up for it by being affectionate. I sleep in his arms or him in mine. He gets mad if I move away from him during the night. I don't know if he masturbates, I've never caught him. But I work in the day and he works at night so I'm sure, well I hope he does. Well a couple of times, he was asleep with the erection and I was scared to touch him. Or if he's up, he pushes himself against me. But he's rejected me so much, I'm scared to turn around and do something about it.

jessicasimone · Nov 18, 2009, 09:08 PM

I almost feel that it's intimacy. I don't think he knows the difference between f-ing and making love. I'm pretty sure that he hasn't been in love before. But I'm also not sure if he has had this problem with other girls.

Mistique · Nov 18, 2009, 09:18 PM

Pressure.

Don't pressure him anymore with your communication. We as females function off communication about emotions... we like to discuss things... have things resolved... no kidding! :) But a guy just delves further off into the darkness.

You said he drank a lot of alcohol and occasionally did cocaine... these things could be in association to your issue but it sounds like this man of yours is addiction prone! Keep an eye on him for any further development... especially if you decide to spend the rest of your life with him and have children down the road.

He is young... he has erections... there seems to be NO medical issue? Then it could very well be emotional or psychological issues - no pressure... relax and let him come around. Which in that case the best thing you can do is be patient. How long have you actually known him and dated him? How long was it before you two moved in together? Who's idea? Sometimes moving in together changes the situation as well (responsibility).

If he is affectionate then he is intimate (in my view)... sure I might not have sex 3 times a day (thank God!! ) but maybe 3-5 times a week (which is considered healthy)... I get my back tickled or a rub of my foot... we cuddle in bed (there are other ways of showing intimacy and I think affection is one). If your lacking both then it is a problem. If he isn't in the mood and I have needs that need to be met... I meet them (most females won't admit to that :)).

I doubt he is cheating at all :). Stress is a huge factor!

Cat1864 · Nov 18, 2009, 09:26 PM

I don't know what is going on with him, but it seems that at very least you both need to learn to communicate with each other about the problem. He seems to be dismissing your concerns and feelings and 'attacking' or getting defensive in return.

If you really want to stay in this relationship, I think you need to look into support groups for family/friends of people with addictions. You might also want to check out the Addictions Forum to see if anything posted there helps:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/addictions/

This does not sound like a problem that is going to go away on its own and he doesn't seem to want to try to even understand that there is a problem (forget him wanting to work on it with you). I would not think about marriage to this person until he is clean and sober. I also don't think you want to be one of thousands of women who regret marrying an addict who they thought they could change.

Synnen · Nov 18, 2009, 09:35 PM

I'm firmly of the belief that if you cannot TALK to someone about sex, you shouldn't be having sex with that person anyway.

You've ONLY been dating 6 months.

If you can't get him to sit down and talk about this seriously with you (because it IS a problem), then it's time to cut bait.

jmjoseph · Nov 19, 2009, 04:40 AM

Originally Posted by jessicasimone

He does cocaine socially. I know he doesn't everyday. Maybe once a week. He was an alcholic and has been to rehab. And when I met him he did more drugs and drunk more but now that he's with me, he doesn't. The last time we had sex, he was drunk. I thought that's the only time he could for a while but he gets erections without being drunk so I don't think thats it. Any clues?

If he's been to rehab for alcohol and drugs, that means he is an alcoholic/addict. There is no such thing as WAS for alcoholism and drug addiction. If you are an alcoholic, or addict, you are one for LIFE. Ask anyone in that business.

You see, I know firsthand. I am an alcoholic/addict( prescription painkillers) myself. It is a lifelong battle. If he is still drinking and using, he needs to stop.

Total abstinence is the key to sobriety. I am clean and sober, and have been for several months now since my latest surgery. There is no such thing as "social use" for a drug addict or alcoholic.

It may have EVERYTHING to do with his problem in the bedroom. I know when I was drinking and taking pills, it dropped my sex drive. Now that I am clean and sober, it is back, with a vengeance.

I recommend for him, getting into AA or NA, that's Alcoholics Anonymous, or Narcotics Anonymous. And for you, Al-anon, or Nar-anon. These two groups for you are support groups for friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts. All of these groups are free, worldwide, and anonymous. I'm sure they have meetings near you somewhere.

This is not an easy path. I'm quite sure that he knows that he can not drink or do drugs at all. You should be very concerned, even about one beer a day.

Good luck to you.

Mistique · Nov 19, 2009, 07:21 AM

It takes a lot of courage to say what you did and thank you for sharing your personal story. I hope this young woman takes your advice... especially this point:

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

If he's been to rehab for alcohol and drugs, that means he is an alcoholic/addict. There is no such thing as WAS for alcoholism and drug addiction. If you are an alcoholic, or addict, you are one for LIFE. Ask anyone in that business.

liz28 · Nov 19, 2009, 12:42 PM

No isn't gay nor he is unattracted you but there are bigger factors that is palying a role here. First his alcohol and cocaine usage and then the two of you work schedule. You work days and he works nights.

Also, the two of you are living together and are not just spending the night over at each other place. His alcohol and cocaine usage should be a big concern to you and I maybe a good time with him will let you undersatnd what he is going to do about it.

Talking to him will be your best option.

crazydogs · Nov 19, 2009, 08:11 PM

First off there is no he was an alocholic. He will always be an alcoholic. Him accusing you of cheating on him is him trying to put the blame on you. You need to rid yourself of this loser, before he takes you to the gutter that he will be in soon.

jessicasimone · Nov 25, 2009, 10:19 PM

Thank you all for posting to my question... I will take a bit of all your advice (some more than others) and try to make my situation better. Thank soooo much!

Cat1864 · Nov 25, 2009, 10:42 PM

Good luck. I hope things work out for the best.

Remember that this thread will be here if you feel like you need more advice or support in any decisions you make.

jessicasimone · Nov 25, 2009, 10:53 PM

Thanks. I will sure keep you guys posted.

jessicasimone · Dec 4, 2009, 12:27 AM

Oka

jessicasimone · Dec 4, 2009, 12:30 AM

Okay... I talked to him. His reasoning was that he was embarrassed by the time that he lost his erection and every time he thinks about having sex with me, he thinks that he will not be able to perform. It's idiotic and I told him that he has to forget about that... he can fart and burp but is embarrassed about a sexual mishap? He also mentioned that since it's been so long it isn't helping the situation. He told me that he even thought about breaking up with me! I'm going to hang in there and keep trying... thanks everyone!

smoothy · Dec 4, 2009, 10:53 AM

One thing to remember... time you waste waiting for him to get his act together is time you are wasteing not looking for a better guy without issues that you can find, fall in love with, marry, have a faimily all while he is dealing with issues.

The cliock is running and eventually it will be too late for you to have kids. Or you will come to you senses way to late and be in a rush to have them with a Mr. Not sure he's right but he's here. Instead of a Mr. Right.

And ask anyone... the older you get the faster time seems to go by.