[Silver Lining]

Hi,

I tried, tried and tried, but always haunts me.

I am 32 weeks. 5 days pregnant as of today. This is my 2nd baby. 1st baby, a gal died when she was 5 months 10 days old. She suffocated and died. The doctors say she might have had something that blocked her lungs. We didn't get postmortem done since she was gone and knowing the cause wouldn't change it. She was very healthy and had no problems at all. She just died.

I feel guilty. I feel I could have saved her. I somehow got over that feeling of loss when I got pregnant again. Everyone said she is back in my tummy and I will get her back soon in my arms. I kept this in my heart and controlled my emotions.

My mom shifted to the city in sep, as she is working and traveling from our village home kind of got hectic. 2 months back I came to my mother's as she stays alone. We planned to deliver here so that I can give her company and she decided to resign a month after my delivery and live with us looking after the baby.

Everything was going well for a month, then I started missing my hubby a lot and it caused depression. He called everyday, visited often but it was not the same. I cry myself to sleep every night. Nobody knows about it. I try to keep calm since I know it is not good for my baby. I spoke to my hubby and told him how badly I miss him. Since nothing can be done, I am helpless. I keep counting days for his visits and keeping that in mind, I control my emotions.

Now here's the MAJOR problem.
The hospital I go to gives internship to PG students. The process is that the PG looks at the patients 1st and then sends the patient to the doctor. Every week the PGs keep changing as they visit different hospitals to get different patients to study. Also, the hosp does not have any privacy, meaning, there's a huge room and 4-5 tables for doctors and PGs. The patients sit in the chairs provided nearby and go to the doc when called. Everyone can hear what you speak. No patient doctor confidentiality.
I have been to the hospital 4 times now and every time I get a different PG. the problem is that the PGs ask about the past. They are lazy to read what's written in the file. What hurts me is that every time I go there, I have to answer about the baby. They are so curious, their questions hurt.
What happened? How it happened? When it happened? Why didn't you do anything? What was the cause?why don't you know it? What did the doc say? Why didn't you get a postmortem done? Etc etc etc
Answering it every week hurts. I cry in front of every person in the room. These PGs don't have any pity. They see me crying and still continue asking. It is totally unnecessary as to why the postmortem was not done. It has nothing to do with my present pregnancy. They ask many such questions which are totally unnecessary. Only patients are allowed to meet the PGs and doctors and not the preggy's hubby and mom. Its because if that rule that I have to answer everything.

This is hurting me a lot. I am going into depression and can't get over it, no matter how hard I try. I don't know what to do. I need help. I feel I am going crazy. I have lost my appetite, I hate to talk to anyone, I am losing my patience, I shout at my mom and hubby. I tried explaining it to them but they say I have to adjust. If I need a better hospital, I have to travel at-least an hour and the roads are horrible. So bad, I might either deliver on the way or have a miscarriage for sure.

[Wondergirl]

I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish you a good delivery of this child who I pray will live to see old age.

A healthy baby does not die.

Where do you live that you are stuck in this miserable medical nightmare?

[Silver Lining]

When I said healthy baby, I meant she was not pre-mature, birth weight fine, normal health at birth ad also later, didn't have any disease, had all her shots. She just had mild cold when she died. That's why the doctors guessed she might have suffocated.

I stay in India. My hubby works in a City 600 miles from our hometown. The hospitals there are wonderful. But since my mom is working in this small town, I am forced to deliver here so that I will have someone to look after me after delivery and to guide me. After losing the 1st baby, I have lost my confidence. I am not ready to deliver without my mom.
Midwives are no good. They are still in the 19th century. And some are so bad, they sit and do nothing. We do all the work and they just take the money

[Wondergirl]

i stay in India. my hubby works in a City 600 miles from our hometown. the hospitals there are wonderful. but since my mom is working in this small town, i am forced to deliver here so that i will have someone to look after me after delivery and to guide me. after losing the 1st baby, i have lost my confidence. i am not ready to deliver without my mom.
midwives are no good. they are still in the 19th century. and some are so bad, they sit and do nothing. we do all the work and they just take the money

I have two Indian coworkers (one from Kashmir and one from Delhi) who tell me similar tales of poor medical care away from the cities.

I suggest you study Lamaze breathing and relaxation either on the Internet or from a book. That would help you feel more confident during labor and delivery. We can answer questions for you from here.

Be as informed as you can be. I wish you well!

[Silver Lining]

I am not worried about Labor/delivery. No matter how bad the hospital, I have no option but since this is my 2nd baby, I kind of know what to expect. Still, I will surely go through Lamaze breathing and relaxation on the net. Thank you.
My concern is how to face the PGs again during the next visit, I don't want to cry, I don't want to have bad thoughts again.
My mom said she will accompany me, but since she is not allowed inside, what's the use?
I decided to shout at the PGs and insult them if they ask unnecessary questions. If I do, and if I don't get proper consultation from the doctors, then I'l be in another problem. i need to make the PGs SHUT UP and not ask me abt the 1st baby again. any suggestions? this will help a lot.

[J_9]

Can you help me? What is a PG?

[jmjoseph]

First, I want to offer my condolences and prayers over the loss of your child. Having two myself, I truly feel for you.

If English is your non-primary language, you are quite accomplished at writing it.

My suggestion to you concerning the redundant questions by the ever changing staff at the hospital, is to never again answer questions about your first child. Simply tell them that you have given birth once before, and that child died at infantcy. Tell them that all the pertainent information is in your file.

At your condition, and situation with limited facilities, you should not be stressed any more than absolutely necessary. Can you get someone to go to the hospital with you next time to assist you. Tell this person to help you in controlling these prying inquiries.

Half the world away, you have touched me.

May GOD bless you. And may your child live to give you many grandchildren.

[artlady]

I would ask the head doctor or administrator if he could put something in your file that indicates you do not want to discuss your previous tragedy.

Explain that you are reliving the nightmare of the loss every time they bring it up in a discussion.

Then when and if you are asked tell them to refer to the file or simply state that you prefer not to discuss this as it is painful for you.

You may benefit from speaking to a therapist ,concerning your loss.I do not know if there is any mental health treatment available but I think you need to ask your main doctor if there is someone you could talk to.

You must eat and take good care of yourself ,for the child you are carrying now.I hope you get the help you need.

[Silver Lining]

Can you help me? What is a PG?

J_9, PG is Post-Graduate, students doing their internship in that hospital.

First, I want to offer my condolences and prayers over the loss of your child. Having two myself, I truly feel for you.

If English is your non-primary language, you are quite accomplished at writing it.

My suggestion to you concerning the redundant questions by the ever changing staff at the hospital, is to never again answer questions about your first child. Simply tell them that you have given birth once before, and that child died at infantcy. Tell them that all the pertainent information is in your file.

At your condition, and situation with limited facilities, you should not be stressed any more than absolutely necessary. Can you get someone to go to the hospital with you next time to assist you. Tell this person to help you in controlling these prying inquiries.

Half the world away, you have touched me.

May GOD bless you. And may your child live to give you many grandchildren.

Thank you so much jmjoseph. My next appointment is on 25th Nov. I'l surely try not answering any questions concerned to my 1st born. I hope that helps. In fact, I asked one of the PGs to read the file. He said nothing is mentioned regarding the cause of death. I asked him to write down what I said and I GUESS he did.

As for someone accompanying me to the hospital, my mom is always ready. But they do not allow anyone inside the consultation room other than patients. Stupid rules. No idea why.

I would ask the head doctor or administrator if he could put something in your file that indicates you do not want to discuss your previous tragedy.

Explain that you are reliving the nightmare of the loss every time they bring it up in a discussion.

Then when and if you are asked tell them to refer to the file or simply state that you prefer not to discuss this as it is painful for you.

You may benefit from speaking to a therapist ,concerning your loss.I do not know if there is any mental health treatment available but I think you need to ask your main doctor if there is someone you could talk to.

You must eat and take good care of yourself ,for the child you are carrying now.I hope you get the help you need.

artlady,, indeed it's a good idea. I think I can talk to my doctor and ask her to file a note asking the PGs not to question me about the baby. I hope the PGs read that at least.

Oh well, as for therapist, there is no one in this world who can comfort me more than my husband, my mom and my brother. If they are with me, I have nothing to feel bad about.


I have one more concern I would like to discuss about. I mentioned before that I am an India. My dad's family is male dominated. They think male offspring is the heart and soul of the family. Unless you give birth to a male child, you are not worth a mother.

During my 1st pregnancy, my dad hurt me a lot. He mentally/emotionally abused me so much that my husband took me back to the city in my 9th month. That was a risk but my dad's abuses were worth taking the risk. Dad said he'd rather have the baby dead if it is a girl and it happened. I don't blame my dad. He loved her a lot and was crazy about her. For the 1st time in 25 years, I saw him cry when she died. He still cries sometimes.

Ever since that experience, I fear my dad's visit. Every time he comes to visit us (mom and me), I feel so scared and disturbed, I feel like running as far away from him as possible. I avoid talking to him, but he somehow gets the chance, talks to me and hurts me again. This happens every time he visits. What do I do?

[Wondergirl]

i dont blame my dad. he loved her a lot and was crazy about her. for the 1st time in 25 years, i saw him cry when she died. he still cries sometimes.

ever since that experience, i fear my dad's visit. every time he comes to visit us (mom and me), i feel so scared and disturbed, i feel like running as far away from him as possible. i avoid talking to him, but he somehow gets the chance, talks to me n hurts me again. this happens every time he visits. what do i do?

Try to put the reasoning part (instead of the emotional part) of your brain into action when you and your father are together. You saw his reaction to your first baby's death, so you know how deeply it affected him. His mind and habits are caught up in your culture that says boys are more important than girls. Think about why that idea still exists in modern times. In your culture, as in most cultures (even mine), male children have always been preferred for many reasons -- to help on the farm or with the family business, to protect the home and especially the country, to carry on the family name, to be the wage-earner and keep the family fed and secure. In most countries, for centuries, females were considered the property of the parents and were easily disposed of/sold/enslaved if it somehow helped the family to get more money or prestige. We women are slowly changing those attitudes, so you must be patient with males who are still caught up in that kind of thinking.

Just hug your father and tell him you love him, then smoothly change the subject. Don't be upset by any negative things he says, since he is speaking from his culture, not his true heart.

[Silver Lining]

Try to put the reasoning part (instead of the emotional part) of your brain into action when you and your father are together. You saw his reaction to your first baby's death, so you know how deeply it affected him. His mind and habits are caught up in your culture that says boys are more important than girls. Think about why that idea still exists in modern times. In your culture, as in most cultures (even mine), male children have always been preferred for many reasons -- to help on the farm or with the family business, to protect the home and especially the country, to carry on the family name, to be the wage-earner and keep the family fed and secure. In most countries, for centuries, females were considered the property of the parents and were easily disposed of/sold/enslaved if it somehow helped the family to get more money or prestige. We women are slowly changing those attitudes, so you must be patient with males who are still caught up in that kind of thinking.

Just hug your father and tell him you love him, then smoothly change the subject. Don't be upset by any negative things he says, since he is speaking from his culture, not his true heart.

My dad and his family (his brothers and sisters) prefer a male child to a female because men carry the family name forward and they do the cremation (hindu ceremony) and also certain ceremonies after death so that the soul will find peace. Only a male child can do it. Its all crap. My brother is the only male child to my grandparents and so my dad is too proud about it. Hence he treats me badly.

women are considered to be slaves. My mom is still treated like a slave. She was actually the sole earner until my bro completed his studies. He then started supporting my mom without telling my dad. My dad left job 12-13 years back and never tried to get a job again. Mom works, earns money to feed my dad and to fulfil all his requirements,, and also works at home. She does everything from cooking to cleaning to washing clothes, doing the dishes, everything,, while my dad sits, watches TV and demands money, food, drinks every now and then.

along with living a king's life, he abuses my mom and me. He beats mom even now. Before marriage, he abused me a lot, he'd beat me too.my hubby was not well settled and hence it was hard on my mom. Now we have decided to take my mom along with us after my delivery. We decided to look after her. She is happy about it. She has struggled for 29 years now. Being mentally, physically and sexually abused by my dad.

a hug? It has no value when it comes to my dad. He'l hug me back, and within 5 minutes he'l start his usual abusive behavior. He doesn't beat me now just because he knows I have my hubby's support and if I get beatings, he will never be able to see the baby.

what he doesn't know as yet is that mom will be coming with us. He will be devastated, not because he lost his wife, but because he lost a slave and someone to be abused.

all I want to know is how I can avoid him and his abuses until the baby is born.. after that too, I might need to avoid him but then I can lock myself saying m feeding. As of now, I need help. I can't stand to hear anything bad and hurtful, and I can't see my mom being abused. It kills me.

[Silver Lining]

Try to put the reasoning part (instead of the emotional part) of your brain into action when you and your father are together. You saw his reaction to your first baby's death, so you know how deeply it affected him..

Well, if it has effected him so badly, he should be treating me like a daughter and not like an item to be abused. I told him several times that his words will effect the baby too. He is least bothered about it.

Its my mistake that I let him pamper my 1st born after what he said and did. If I had pushed him out at that time, at least for a while, he MIGHT have been different. He knows that I am emotionally sensitive and will let him pamper this baby too.

He blames me for my baby's death. He says I was careless. It hurts me. I too feel I was careless, but I don't want someone saying that to me every now and then. He also says I didn't give breast milk (I didn't have any after 15 days, totally dry) and so the baby was too weak. Actually, my baby was far far healthier than other babies born around the same time in our family. Then he says I used wrong meds on the baby and so she died. I NEVER used any meds without consulting the doctor. Unlike my dad, while she was alive, he'd get all kinds of meds and ask me to give to her. I'd throw them away.

There are so many other things he says to make me feel guilty. That's why I feel disturbed when he comes. He says things that make me cry and feel guilty. He makes me feel I killed my baby. I get bad dreams. Dreams like I throw my baby out of the car, sometimes I give her poison, or I press her throat and kill her etc. I get crazy when I get such dreams. I stay disturbed for days. It is really bad for my baby.

I know why he is doing this. He wants me to be scared to look after my baby. He wants me to be dependent on him. That's why I told my mom about my dreams and made her promise she will come with us to look after my baby (yet to be born).

I don't want to get such dreams and feel scared. That's why I want to avoid my dad. Any help?

[Wondergirl]

Why would your father give you meds for a healthy baby?

[artlady]

I can't truly image living in a world where women are abused with no regret or a chance for change.
My advice would be from a women who lives in freedom and equality and it breaks my heart to think of my sisters in pain.
Some people are open to change if they believe they are going to lose what they love.
Maybe your father needs to understand that he could lose you affection.
You have a baby coming! Many Blessings to you and yours!

[Silver Lining]

@ Wondergirl - he thinks the baby is sick and gives meds. No reason at all. Overcautious.

@ Artlady - My affections have no value to him. He is just afraid that he might lose a grand child but that doesn't stop him from abusing us. He's been doing it for years and we did nothing until now. So he is confident we will not do anything again.

what he doesn't know is that we have already planned something. Mom decided to quit job and stay with me and hubby looking after our baby. She will be resigning in February, serve the notice period of 3 months and shift with us IMMEDIATELY. I'l be with mom till end of March and then go to my hubby, find a job by the time mom comes.

if dad comes to where we stay, hubby will take care. Dad doesn't abuse us while my hubby or bro is around. That's why my bro didn't know anything until a few years back when I started telling him how hard it is for mom. He just thought mom needed help financially since dad was not working.

I hope everything goes as planned and I can give my mom a happy life at least from now.