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rlad01 · Nov 17, 2009, 05:15 PM

Hi there folks,

A relitively quick background: My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and have had some good times, and some bad times. This is typical in a relationship, I realize that. About 8 months ago she and I talked about swinging and agreed that we'd try it. Months and months later, I finally found a girl that I wanted to be sexual with and what not, and we ended up sleeping together. Surely enough, the girlfriend ended up getting jealous and changed her mind after a few arguments that she and I had. Anyway, long story short, I developed feelings for this other girl. It was an eye opener. I got to be myself, as geeky or dorky as that might be. Tell my bad jokes, cuddle up and be intimate. With my girlfriend, there is no intimacy, cuddling, spur of the moment sex, excitement... she just isn't into that stuff for some of her own reasons.

The hard part: We have 4 children. Her's, mine, and our own 2. I would be leaving this relationship with my daughter from my previous, and child support for 2, if not a third. Now that's fine, the child support isn't the biggest issue. I'd most likely give her more, actually, to keep her comfort levels for life, up.

When I intended to do the break up last week, I told her my concerns. I was honest about them, or so I thought. I thought I was honest about how I felt. I was a bit wrong. Now she's doing what I told her I need her to do, and yet, the spark for me is not there. Am I giving it enough time?

What are the signs? How should I do it? She's going to be devistated, as are the children.

Thoughts and advice? Questions?

jaime90 · Nov 17, 2009, 05:25 PM

Why are you choosing to leave this girl? Is it because something happened and your relationship can't be saved? Maybe you both could benefit from counseling..

BlackVY · Nov 17, 2009, 05:43 PM

Seems like she is making an effort now and trying to make this relationship work, trying to make you happy by giving you what you want, but you are still not satisfied.

Its like your heart is not in this relationship anymore and you want to be with this other woman.

Swinging wasn't a good thing for your relationship. I don't think swinging ever is the right thing to do in any situation.

Anyway, now you need to ask yourself if you truly want to give everything up with your girlfriend, the life, the history together and especially the kids, all for this other woman you met through swinging.

If you are going to stay with your girlfriend, then you need to put the effort into the relationship too, say goodbye to this other woman, give up swinging hopefully and try along with your girlfriend to reignite the spark between the 2 of you.

Choice is yours. Good luck

Fr_Chuck · Nov 17, 2009, 05:46 PM

The new excitement of the greener grass always looks better,

Remember how exciting it was when you and the mother of your children were when you first got together.

And yes, the majority of people who want to "swing" end up with this issue,

Why not get counseling and try and make this work.

Cat1864 · Nov 17, 2009, 10:23 PM

First, it isn't 'swinging' if you were the only one getting sex outside the relationship. It was an 'open relationship'. You essentially had an affair with her permission (at least, at first). 'Swinging' involves another couple so that neither partner is left out. Why didn't you wait until she found a male partner for herself?

Second, this 'new' woman doesn't have the baggage that your girlfriend does. She doesn't wash your underwear or feed your children or help you worry about paying bills. She is a fantasy that you allowed to get out of hand. She is not reality.

Before all this, did you ever actually have a discussion with your girlfriend about what you needed in the way of affection from the relationship besides permission to have sex with someone else? Is this need a recent development since the 'new' woman? Does the this other woman even know that you are in a relationship?

I am going to suggest couple's counseling just to give you both a chance to work through the issues and maybe get your relationship back on track or, at least, try to end your relationship on friendly terms for the sake of your children.

One last question, IF she had found a male to have sex with, how would you be feeling right now?