[nightmareonmyst]

first of all - thank you all for your input! I just feel like my head is so cloudy and I can't even think straight anymore - so maybe its time for some outside advice.

here is my situation:

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost one year. I'm 26 and he's 27. He lives about a 30 minute drive from me and we both have our own jobs and our own lives. On a good week we'll see each other about 3 days but we always spend at least Friday and Saturday night together.

for the past 7 months I have been super SUPER insecure about our relationship. Basically I feel like I am always on the lookout for evidence he's doubting us, about to break up with me, or isn't as head over heels as I am. I have a theory as to why I do this to myself: the last love I had left me out of the blue for another woman. Literally out of nowhere. I was always sure we'd be married.

anyway, these insecurities started with one single incident 7 months ago. My boyfriend lied to me and told me he was busy all day on a Saturday doing work. I found out he actually spent the day in santa cruz with his best girl friend that he has dinner with sometimes. He had left the parking pass in his car and the wristband for the rides at the boardwalk was on his desk - so its not like I was snooping. He claims he lied because he thought I'd be upset about him not spending the day with me.

THEN a couple weeks later I found out he lied once again about his plans one evening. He told me he was having dinner with some friends near his house (30 min away from me) one evening. Turns out (via pictures on facebook) he was actually out with his friends near to where I live. I suppose he lied so he wouldn't feel obligated to invite me.

so ever since those incidents I have doubted his intensions. We've talked (and faught) about this on a couple of occasions and he knows how much this messed me up and he's always taken my side.

the problem I have is not with who he is spending time with or what he is doing. My problem is with his deliberate lies to my face. I encourage him to spend time with his friends because I refuse to have a pathetic, co-dependent relationship. I guess I just could never understand why he felt the need to lie to me about it. It makes his actions seem suspicious.

so for the past 7 months I have been battling a couple issues that are starting to take a serious toll on my view of our relationship:


ONE:
I find myself looking into everything he says and does and overanalyzing it to death. Some examples:

~when a girl commented on his Facebook with an apparent inside joke I got nervous because he has told me she is a periferal friend that ne never talks to and has only really hung out with a time or two.
~when he seems to be having coffee with his mom frequently during the week I wonder if he's venting to her about me
~when he has the occasional dinner with his best girl friend I wonder if he picks her up and pays for her meal too.
~when he talks to his one friend that I do not get along with (long story) I wonder if she's trying to convince him to leave me
~when he says he's going down the street to grab a beer after work I wonder if he's really meeting somebody there


TWO:
I cannot drink much around him anymore. Alcohol makes all these insecurities come out and I end up starting a fight. This happened a couple of times and since then I've kept my drinking at a minimum while we are celebrating.

THREE:
he has a very very stressful job and he vents to me about it frequently. Most of the time I can hold it together and stay strong and cheer him up... but sometimes it just puts me in the worst mood and I can't deal with his complaining. In fact - he talks about his job so much I feel like I come second to it.


FOUR:
I am overly sensitive. He's very sarcastic and likes to tease me (and everyone else for that matter). In the past I could joke around with him and do my share of teasing. Now I just get my feelings hurt way too easily. I don't always show it because I know I'm being silly - but its hard to overcome sometimes. Another example: we recently went to a concert together. I bought the tickets months ago knowing it would sell out and it was one of his favorite bands. We had tons of fun during the opening bands, dancing and singing together, but when his favorite band came on he ran up front to the stage leaving me behind. He does this sometimes... and I don't care because he will usually come back after a song or two and come stand with me. Not this past time. He spent the entire set up front without me... and leaving me by myself. This really, really hurt my feelings. After the show I explained to him what was wrong and many many tears were shed by me.



so I know what you're thinking... wow this sounds like a trainwreck. But that's not really the case. On the whole things are wonderful and we have great times together. What I have mentioned above are just some underlying issues that I think I may be focusing too hard on.

there are so many positives too! I know he loves me. I really do. He always kisses me hello, and good night. He always tells me how pretty I look. He sends me lots of sweet messages and texts throughout the days to say hello, or he misses me, etc. I spend lots of time with his friends and his family and they all seem to think very fondly of me. We always get out on the weekends and spend some quality time digging through record shops, or eating out, etc. he always grabs my hand when walking somewhere together. He's very affectionate and very sweet. He sleeps close to me and we spend the better part of our mornings together snuggling in bed. He's usually the one to initiate phone calls and converstions on days we do not see each other. When saying goodbye after spending time together he always makes plans for when to see me next. We have so much in common and have the same values/ideals/life goals.

so what this has all led up to is this... am I being ridiculous? Should I just get over it all and do something about my broken self esteem and figure out a way to go back to my old self pre-santa cruz incident?

or is this just too far gone and should I just cut my losses now? Cause after 7 months of dealing with these thoughts... will they ever really go away? He can sense me getting more and more distant.


thanks for reading this monstrosity.

[jaime90]

I don't think that you are in the wrong for feeling insecure about your relationship. Trust is easy to break and very difficult to gain back. In most instances, it's not big issues that will cause failure in a relationship, but little issues- even seemingly insignificant ones. (My aunt divorced her first husband for the exact reason you are naming above: he lied, and it wasn't one big lie, it was several small lies that broke the trust.)
The truth is, this guy makes you feel good about yourself- he calls you pretty, kisses you goodnight and goodmorning, snuggles, etc. Which are all good things, but they are very "feelings" oriented, whereas, consistent lying, insecurity, and outright dishonesty is very REALISTC.
A guy that lies, and comes up with excuses to justify his lies is very naïve. I'm not sure how you can trust him with anything, and I completely understand why you would be suspicious and over-analyzing constantly, you must be going out of your mind.
I would calm down, get emotions out of your way, and think realistically about your relationship. Ask yourself some pointed questions: Do his pros outweigh his cons? Is having a man who lies, worth the kisses he gives you at night? Is having a man who gives kisses at night worth all the insecurity he will give you (not just now, but into your marriage should you choose to continue in this relationship?) Is he setting an example that future children should follow? If you were to marry, would you be worried about him cheating or leaving nearly all the time? (I mention marriage so much, because if you are not looking for marriage, you will break-up. Since you don't want to break up, the only other option for the happily ever after, that I know you want, is spending the rest of your life with the man you love... a.k.a. marriage.)
Anyway, ask yourself these questions, feelings aside. You have to face the fact that lying is unacceptable, so is dishonesty on most any level. (yes, we all have out own privacy which should be respected, but if you're seriously involved with this guy, his other 'girlfriends' shouldn't be part of his privacy, it should be openly talked about.)
You should tell him that you'd prefer him not to hangout one-on-one with his close 'girlfriend.' all the effort he puts into spending time with other people (his other girlfriend included) could be spent on growing you two closer together. If he isn't willing to put forth the work and effort that a relationship needs to survive, then he's not worth a thing.

[nightmareonmyst]

Thanks for your input jamie. You've got some really valid points here.

I just wanted to clarify that he is open and honest with me now. He'll openly tell me where he's going, who he's with and what he's up to and I haven't found any of it to be untruthful. Its been this way ever since. I've never caught him in a lie nor have I ever had to pry to see what he was up to.

But still I don't focus on any of that. I keep going back to the santa cruz incident and focusing on that.

I wish there was just some way to train my brain to focus on all our positives rather than our negatives! Arg is so frustrating!

[jaime90]

A good way to get your mind off all of this, is to talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, and that you know it wasn't his intention to make you feel this way, but it is how you feel nonetheless. If YOU can be open and honest with him, and get this off your chest, I'm sure you will feel a lot better. If he is communicating better now than he was several months ago, I'm sure he will understand, and hopefully (if he is a good boyfriend) he will reassure you that he loves you and will never leave you. If you're both on the same page about this incident, it will relieve a lot of your stress and suspicions.

[annette88]

L just ended a almost three yr relationship for the same problems-this could be me and my ex. L never could regain that trust and it was taking a toll on my health. Good luck x

[nightmareonmyst]

I'm dating a teacher. He is currently in his second year of teaching and he is extremely busy. Between lesson planning, grading, collaborating, after school activities, etc it is hard to find time for us to be together. Add some time for him to see his family and friends and the 30 minute commute from my house to his... well our quality time we get to spend together dwindles quickly.

He tries, he really does. Usually we will spend Friday and Saturday night together and maybe have dinner on one week night during the week (but that doesn't always happen). But even on those couple nights a week we spend together he usually has some sort of grading to do which can take anywhere from 2 to 6 hours. I am fine with hanging out at his place while he grades and just watching a movie or reading in his company because honestly, I'll take whatever sort of together time I can get.

And normally on one of those weekend nights we will spend it with his family or friends or both. I get a long great with his family and friends, so that has never been an issue.

99% of the time I will travel to his apartment. Its nice because he lives alone (not with roommates like I do) and it is ultimately easier for him since he has all his work there and a cat to take care of.


Most of the time I am okay with our relationship dynamic. From time to time I get down about it - especially when we have to go an entire work week (m-f) without seeing one another (like this week). I get down because I think about how little quality time we really spend together. Its rare I have him all to myself without friends or family, and when I do a lot of that time is spent with him focused on grading homework. It is difficult to feel like I am just squeezed in to his schedule after he has gotten his work done and made any plans with his family or friends. Its my fault though... I try to keep my schedule 100% open so that I can spend time with him when the opportunity comes up.

In a perfect world, if I had things my way, we would be able to spend time together every other day. I do need my own space too, but not 5 days a week of it. And some, if not most of that time would be just the two of us - no friends, no family, no work. Even if it was just dinner or coffee. Just something.

I've brought this up with him on plenty of occasions. He gets defensive and blames it on the distance between us (30 min drive) and the fact that 'hes doing everything he possibly can'.

And that's true. He can't make much more time for me. I am thankful and grateful for what he can give me, but I really want more. So I resort to accepting that fact and swallowing the feelings of missing him and do my best not to bring it up as to not add stress to his already full life.

But I can't keep on going like this. I need to find a way to be happy with what we have. I need to find a way for our time together to be enough for me.

Am I being unreasonable?

[Fr_Chuck]

He only has so much time, you can't expect him to be there when he is working.

[Alty]

You are being unreasonable. He has a job that unfortunately isn't 9-5 Monday - Friday. This is the job he chose and this is the way his life is going to be.

Good news is that teachers get summers off and all the major holidays. Bad news, when school is in session so is he.

You either accept and realize that this is the way it will be if you choose to stay, or you decide that you need more and you find someone that can give you that more.

No one is forcing you to stay in the relationship.

[amicon]

How do you spend your time when you're not with him? I hope you have friends and have a life that is fullfilling even when you're not spending time with him.

[nightmareonmyst]

Thanks all for your responses.

I realize that expecting more time from him is being unreasonable and demanding it is unfair. To be clear I have never demanded more time from him or anything of the sort. I have been honest with him about my feelings when the topic comes up however and I suppose having him understand and acknowledge how I feel at times is all he can do.

It still doesn't change much though. I still would like to find a way to rid myself of this idea that we do not spend enough time focusing on just the two of us and becoming more close.

Also, I do keep busy during the week. I work 8-5, go to the gym, take guitar lessons and have on average a night or two a week with my friends.

Maybe this wasn't clear... but I'm not unhappy nor dependent or miserable. These thoughts only show up very sparingly, but when they do they are quite saddening. After a year I would have hoped to be intimately closer with a person.

[Devorameira]

I can understand how you're feeling, but that truly may be all the time he has. Are you in school or could you find another job and move closer to him? That would eliminate the distance and allow for a little more time together. As the old adage says, "Where there's a will there's a way". :o

[Alty]

The question you really have to ask yourself is are you willing to have these feelings for good? Can you live with his schedule or do you want more, someone that's able to give you his time?

Like I said before, teaching is a demanding job. Are you willing to sit at home waiting for life?

[talaniman]

It is, what it is, and all the hoping, and sad feelings, will change nothing. I think that you decide if this is what you want, and is it worth it to keep him, as you sure will never change him. You can make the most of it, and be happy, until you have a better idea.

Sorry, but I doubt there is a quick fix, and besides what's wrong with having to go slow?

[nightmareonmyst]

You are all right. I guess its just up to me if I can deal or not.

Lol. Its as simple as that.

[Alty]

you are all right. i guess its just up to me if i can deal or not.

lol. its as simple as that.

Most times the problems that seem huge are really simple to solve. ;)

I hope it all works out for you.

Happy Holidays. :)

[amicon]

Good luck and happy holidays from me too!

[Jake2008]

If the relationship means more than the time and distance, it will work out.

My husband and I in the early stages, were a 7 hour drive apart. We relied on letters and phone calls to keep in touch, and the odd very long bus ride to visit. I was in college at the time, and he was an apprentice.

Eventually we decided that we loved each other, and at that point, worked our careers and locations around us.

Give it time. If this was meant to be, it will happen.

[nightmareonmyst]

I will be out of the country on vacation for a week soon.

While I am super excited, I also dread the thought of not being able to have much (if any) contact with my serious boyfriend during that time. I dread it so much that it makes a pit in my stomach.

Anybody else ever felt like this? Am I just plain crazy?

[talaniman]

No your not crazy, you just could learn to cope with your feelings better. I get those feelings for my wife when we have to separate too:rolleyes::o. You just miss them before you leave is all. Enjoy your vacation