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cowboychuck53 · Nov 16, 2009, 11:56 PM

A couple of months ago, my girlfriend and I of ten years broke up and got back together. This is our last try at making this relationship work. We've been back together for 2 months and she doesn't seem happy around me. She doesn't plan any "us" time. I literally have to press the issue to the point of annoyance just to get out and go shopping or running errands with her. After the "makeup sex", sex has been pretty stale. I don't want to make her feel like I'm all up under her, but at the same time... I want my friend back.
I have recently stopped drinking and I don't know if that is contributing to my "above average need for love and attention", but now I am paying more attention to things around me. She says that she loves me at night when we are talking about things in the bed, but she doesn't show me through her actions.
I am a very easygoing, funny guy that loves to make people laugh. Lately when I;m around her, all I can think about is "What did I do wrong?", "Is she cheating?", "Does she like being with me or are we together for our daughter's sake". Now, I have a very addictive mind. So when I go into that thinking, it takes me away from being creative, funny, happy me.
All of my instincts are telling me that she is waiting for a reason to leave and we need to end it now while we can be civil about it, but the part that is still in love with her wants to keep trying. I'm usually good at giving advice to other people about their relationships, but I simply don't know about mine. I really need some good advice.

amicon · Nov 17, 2009, 01:37 AM

Ten years is a long time-how old are you? You mention having stopped drinking,was this a problem previously?
I can only suggest you sit down and have a calm discussion about where your relationship is heading,if there's no proper communication there's no real relationship.

annette88 · Nov 17, 2009, 01:43 AM

That sounds almost like a carbon copy of my relationship. It was hard but l chose to end it and l think he was relieved to be frank. There are only so many times you can 'give it one last chance' before one of you has to do the right thing and let it go. It hurts like hell but hurts even more to stay in a stale relationship.

mudweiser · Nov 17, 2009, 01:53 AM

Hi.

My thoughts are that she and you were curious if you could take on round 2. I'm sure at first things seem right. I'm sure that the "magic" has worn off for her, causing her to act this way.

The reality is, 10 years you guys broke up. A second try requires not only a lot more work than starting a relationship with someone first, but usually second time around needs guidance. A cousellor, a pastor, you need someone to guide you through this.

I personally don't think this'll work out, unless you start going to couples counselling and getting things out in the open and work through this together.

Sarah

cowboychuck53 · Nov 17, 2009, 08:39 PM

Originally Posted by amicon

Ten years is a long time-how old are you? You mention having stopped drinking,was this a problem previously?
I can only suggest you sit down and have a calm discussion about where your relationship is heading,if there's no proper communication there's no real relationship.

I am 27 now and she is 24 and yes, drinking was a problem before

amicon · Nov 18, 2009, 12:39 AM

I agree with Mudweiser, you could try counselling.

I wish · Nov 18, 2009, 07:59 AM

Too much of your life revolves around her. You need to build your own life while still being in the relationship. Otherwise, you're just going to be an annoying pest buzzing around her, which will push her farther away from you.

notsogreat · Nov 20, 2009, 02:48 PM

I too was in a ten year relationship, we are a little older, I was 33 and he was 37. He and I were due to be married this past October, but he ended up dumping me during a recovery from a surgery and he then proposed to someone on my and his wedding day. In the beginning of the breakup I was shocked, but now a year later, the blinders are off, and I saw that I was the one pushing for the relationship to work out, but he was not on the same page, it was almost like he had one foot out the door months before we actually parted. Sometimes people fall out of love, and you cannot make someone stay when they want to leave. All you are doing is prolonging the agony. I wish I would have ended my relationship a long time before he did, because in the long run I am better off, and my advice to you would be to list the pros and cons of your relationship today, and if the con list is bigger than you will know your anwer. Good luck!

talaniman · Nov 21, 2009, 06:52 PM

I strongly advise you to make no major changes in your life, until you have a year of sobriety, as you are classic restless, irritable, and discontent.

You have been together since you were kids, and now as adults you face new challenges which require new adjustments, and new skills.

Make your focus on you, and clear thinking, and be wary of feelings that may have no basis in facts.

Just because you have recently quit drinking, don't think the effects are gone. That will take a lot longer my friend, so don't just minimize what it may of done to you, or to her.

Google AA, (Alcoholics Anonymous) and get some facts, and some support from those that have been there. You would be amazed at the truth.