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BRRF · Nov 15, 2009, 09:33 AM

I just broke up with my girlfriend of 7 months because of a deteriorating situation with my family.
When they first met her they really liked her personality and character, but over the summer as I was preparing to take my MCAT (medical admission test) and senior level piano exam and hold a full time job they started to dislike her because of 'demands' she made on my time.
I thought I could prove them wrong by succeeding in my endeavors which I did: 98th percentile in the MCAT, first class honours on the piano exam and still maintaining the job.
... They still hate her. Now they switched excuses and say that she is too needy and unstable and I'm in a relationship with someone who controls me and shapes me to fit her meld.
Now, it's true that certain things about me have changed: I have become more aware of my fashion/looks whereas before I was the guy who couldn't stand shopping. I bought her little gifts, whereas I had never really done that for anyone etc...

I really really love this girl. We have an amazing communicative relationship. We share everything, laugh with each other, and love each other's company.
This breakup feels so empty because the last thing we said to each is other is "You will always be in my heart" and kissed.

I've thought about ditching the family. Moving out and supporting myself. I could do that, but what I can't do is pay for my medical school or secure loans without a guarantor. My family has said on multiple occasions that they don't see themselves supporting me if I remain with this girl. They don't think I can possibly succeed in life so long as she is around.
My girlfriend doesn't want me to go through all of that for her. Leading up to the breakup, her family was warning her that maybe the relationship wasn't the best thing for her. She was really worried a lot and often had trouble concentrating on her schoolwork.
Every time I made a plan to see her, my Mom would call her Mom and say rude stuff about how she is ruining my life. Eventually, she just said she doesn't want to do it any more and that she wants to break up with one month of no contact.

We spoke again for the first time on Nov. 1st, and it was amazing! 2 hour conversation with sharing stories, laughing and poking fun at each other in our usual cute way. We started speaking more and just last week made a plan to go shopping together. Somehow my Mom found out (she must have read my Facebook inbox cause I don't see how else she would have known all the details) and called her Mom and gave the usual rude speech. This was the straw that broke the horses back. My girlfriend said that she doesn't want to put up with it anymore. No more contact. Nothing. My birthday was yesterday and I got no message from her.

I don't know what to do. It would take something short of a miracle to get my girlfriend to put more energy into this battle, but I know that she loves me with all her heart.

What would you do?

Also, one other important comment: I personally think that the reason my family hates my girlfriend is because she is not religious. We are a very traditional Jewish family and they want me to be with a similar girl. I'm an atheist and want to get away from the Jewish life! My girlfriend is Jewish by birth, but isn't religious in any way. I think that my family's reasons for disliking her are just excuses and they are dressing up the real reason that they dislike her: because she's not an observant Jew.

Advice?

Thanks a lot for reading this!

lttlmizchica · Nov 15, 2009, 09:50 AM

I went through almost the Same situation. Except Im a girl and my mother hated my boyfriend. I broke up with him because of my mother for a period, but I missed him too much and we got back together. When my mother found out though she was furious, but I think you should try staying strong for a while and see if it passes through. I went through many fights and tears with my mother but over time she finally had to learn and deal with it. I know it's different for you because your mother actually threatened you with not paying for school expenses, but I think what you really NEED to do is sit down and talk to her. Tell her that because of her actions and high expectations, it makes you stray away from wanting to be a jew. You need to ask her upfront if this whole religious thing is her problem because maybe you can fix it. Tell her that being a good jew is encouraging others to be good jews and that she is not doing her part because of what she is doing. Just sugar coat yourself a little and tell her that God would love it if you tried to get your girlfriend to be more involved and religious. You just need to sit down and make a compromise or figure out what her true problem is. Even if you don't believe in the whole making her religious thing, just go with the 'flow' in front of your mom if it's able to make things work. I don't know if this is good advice, but really think about what you want to do with your life.

AtLarge · Nov 15, 2009, 10:25 AM

Romeo and Juliet come to mind. I only point that out because this problem is as old as love itself. And there are no easy answers.

It would seem that in your case you truly do have to choose between your family and your love. Remember Prince Edward of England who gave up the throne for his love? Again, you are not alone. And, yet, that is little comfort I know. This is a terrible dilemma.

Only you can decide. I wish there were an easy answer. But if it helps at all many of us will be thinking of you. And you can always come here to talk things through.

2ndTime · Nov 15, 2009, 10:45 AM

AtLarge, so true. I also read another thread that a woman in India, who is going against caste culture (where different class people are not allowed to marry). She chose love. Her family was rich and her new husband isn't from a rich, but from the middle income family. With consent or no consent from her parents, she will wed soon.

BRRF · Nov 15, 2009, 04:28 PM

Originally Posted by AtLarge

Romeo and Juliet come to mind. I only point that out because this problem is as old as love itself. And there are no easy answers.

It would seem that in your case you truly do have to choose between your family and your love. Remember Prince Edward of England who gave up the throne for his love? Again, you are not alone. And, yet, that is little comfort I know. This is a terrible dilemma.

Only you can decide. I wish there were an easy answer. But if it helps at all many of us will be thinking of you. And you can always come here to talk things through.

Well, I'd hate for it to come to choosing.
I was hoping that maybe by being very patient and giving things time to cool off, eventually I can convince my family to become friendlier with her family. They are a very respectable couple (neurologist and university professor)... and are also extremely friendly. At this point, I don't even want to involve my girlfriend because she just doesn't want to fight anymore. It was really just too tiring. I'm thinking that if I could demonstrate to her family that my family is a little kinder and not the typical "red light/trouble family", maybe I'd have a better chance with her a few months from now. If her family could say... I think things are better now, it would mean a lot to her.

My family isn't totally unreasonable. At least I hope not. :confused:

I know I have to tread carefully, whatever I do.

2ndTime · Nov 15, 2009, 04:53 PM

I heard a story where a guy broke up with a love of his life because his family was against her and he needed his families support in order to afford his life expense and school. He tried to become an ambassador to both his and her family, but after much effort he realized that he can't change his family and became unfruitful, so he just gave up on his love. Years down the road he was successful doctor and had wonderful family, but was never happy. So he kept on divorcing, one after another. After several marriage, he just gave up and went into counseling. At first the counselor thought this guy just had comittment issue, but after much counseling, lo and behold, found out that deep down inside he was still in love with his first true love (by now she's dead for many years because so much time have passed). I know this sounds like just another story, but it's a true story. I wish you all the luck and hope you don't end up like this guy.

BRRF · Nov 15, 2009, 05:17 PM

Originally Posted by 2ndTime

I heard a story where a guy broke up with a love of his life because his family was against her and he needed his families support in order to afford his life expense and school. He tried to become an ambassador to both his and her family, but after much effort he realized that he can't change his family and became unfruitful, so he just gave up on his love. Years down the road he was successful doctor and had wonderful family, but was never happy. So he kept on divorcing, one after another. After several marriage, he just gave up and went into counseling. At first the counselor thought this guy just had comittment issue, but after much counseling, lo and behold, found out that deep down inside he was still in love with his first true love (by now she's dead for many years because so much time have passed). I know this sounds like just another story, but it's a true story. I wish you all the luck and hope you don't end up like this guy.

Wow! That is not a pleasant fate :(
I wonder if it would help to get my family and I in some counseling early on?
I suggested it once but they didn't take kindly to the idea. The responses were along the lines of "We don't need counseling. There's nothing wrong with us and nothing we can't settle amongst ourselves". I wonder how I could convince them to go?

2ndTime · Nov 15, 2009, 06:20 PM

Oh, BRRF! The incident of the story wasn't about you forcing your family to go to the counseling, it's about a peson who lost his chance at being with his true love. You keep forcing your family to change, but how long do you think your true love can wait to be approved by your family. You are a fully grown man, who can decide between family or love. If you can't bear the thought of being cut off from your family's wealth, then tell your girlfriend and end her misery. It would not be fair to her to suffer through your indecision.

BRRF · Nov 15, 2009, 06:36 PM

Originally Posted by 2ndTime

Oh, BRRF! The incident of the story wasn't about you forcing your family to go to the counseling, it's about a peson who lost his chance at being with his true love. You keep forcing your family to change, but how long do you think your true love can wait to be approved by your family. You are a fully grown man, who can decide between family or love. If you can't bear the thought of being cut off from your family's wealth, then tell your girlfriend and end her misery. It would not be fair to her to suffer through your indecision.

Well... disowning a family is a pretty big decision to make. I would, of course, prefer to explore other avenues. I'd prefer never to have to decide between family & love and would do so only as a last resort.

emopunk7 · Nov 15, 2009, 06:58 PM

It seems like you are at a last resort. Go get your love and tell her you really want her and you will try to go on without your family... Then after you move on with your girl then you can try to get back with your family!

2ndTime · Nov 15, 2009, 07:37 PM

Bravo, emopunk7!

AtLarge · Nov 15, 2009, 10:09 PM

BRRF: In your original discussion, you mentioned religion as a possible factor. If that is true (and I assume it likely is) that does take things up a notch. Do your parents know you consider yourself an atheist? I mean in one regard it sounds like your girlfriend could make the case she is on their side... Just a wild and crazy thought...

There is so much I do not know about you or your situation and I feel I am going where angels fear to tread (or what ever that saying is) but you did open this discussion. And I think those of us who have chimed in feel for you. Still, the more half-truths and gray areas there are, the more complex the solution.

One option might be to sit down with your girlfriend and put all of the cards on the table and have a full and honest discussion with her. It is amazing what two people in love can come up with. And as 2ndTime pointed out, ignoring true love can eat at you and be hazardous to your future.

Good luck. Life is complex. But at the end of the day, love really is what makes it all worthwhile.