[sad_ness25]

Here's my story:

At the age of 16 I feel head over heels, it's safe to say that this relationship was my first love (we'll call him guy B). The relationship was a pretty good one, it lasted for a couple of years but it ended, we were young and not headed in the right direction. Honestly, to be frank, I quit the habit before he did and I couldn't be with someone that used.

When I was 18, I met a guy(we'll call him guy A) a year or so later that wanted to date me, so we dated. He wanted to be my boyfriend, but I still wasn't ready and heartbroken. He knew this and gave me his shoulder to cry on. During this courting I was waiting on a single call from B, it never happened. B was heading out for the Air Force so I sent him the notebook that I had been writing to him in every day for a year. Shortly after I figured I had given it enough time not hearing from B so I started to pursue a relationship with A. B eventually called but I told him I was in a relationship and that was that.

There have been ups and downs with A, but we've had fun. I ended up falling for A. When I was 22, we broke up for 6 months. I can honestly say that he is the first guy to ever break my heart. I still wanted to be with him and the break-up was really over some petty reason. I begged him for his friendship and he shunned me over and over. But one day he let his wall down, and so did I. I degraded myself by falling into immature habits and started a sexual relationship with him without a relationship... the thing is--is that we were both on agreement that neither of us were to be sleeping with anyone else... guess what... he slipped up and slept with his ex, I found out and called him out on it... "what if she were pregnant""I would take care of it but would still want to be with you"... the worst of the worst happened and she was pregnant... she ended up miscarrying.

Me and A continued our new relationship shortly after as boyfriend/girlfriend and have lived together for 3 years. After this long relationship A finally proposed to me at 24. I have been very happy with A. He is a great man and knows how to make me happy, and I really do love him.

Within this past year I have made some mutual friends at work that are also friends with B. So I have seen B around. He found out that I was now engaged and he wanted to say how he felt about me:

He wants for me to be happy no matter if it's with him or A, he wanted to let me know that he's always here for friendship, he wanted to let me know that his feelings for me have never changed and that he knows that I am the one. Every relationship that he has been in hasn't worked because he compared them to me. He wants to spend his life with me and has always imagined and drempt of having that wonderful future with me. But even if I don't choose to be with him I will always be the one, and he will always consider me one of his best friends.

How freaking peachy (sarcastic)! I can't tell you for sure if I would have felt the way I feel about him now if we wouldn't have ran into each other again, but I do know that there are feelings that are making my heart twist and turn. Two months ago, one of the 2 of our mutual friends tragically passed away. She was the interpreter for both of us. It's hard with her not being here because I know if she was I wouldn't be writing you all.

On a side note, my relationship with A has suffered from my feelings for B. I have just been playing it off as being more than upset from my friends' death because I don't want A to be worried because I don't know what my feelings for B are trying to tell me.

So, here's my Dilemma:

How do I know if I should I get married in May?

Should I push the wedding back? And if I did, is it going to ruin what we have?

How can I figure out which guy is the guy that I want to be with?

Why do I have strong feelings for B? Is this my gut, heart, or mind telling me something?

What are the important things for you in a relationship? A and B have different qualities.


To be honest I'm not asking for answers like
"do what you want to do b/c that's what you're going to do anyways"
"you're not ready"
"if you have feelings for another guy, then you shouldn't be engaged to begin with"

I'm more or less looking for what you did with your own personal experience. And what you would do in this situation.

[redhed35]

Dificult to give advice since you have ruled out the obvious that you want to hear...

Can I ask,before your ex turned up did you have these feelings for him?

It took you a long time to get over that heartache,and I assume there was good reason it ended.

You with guy A now,its interesting that you call your ex B and your fiancé A... subconsious order of importance maybe...

I digress...

The best I can come up with is to visualise your life with both... who do you see yourself with.

And also,good guys are not easy to come by... if you love A,and could not hurt him or imagine your life without him then he is your guy,and A is just bringing up old feelings,perhaps its not the feeling your having but only the memory of what once was.

[Cat1864]

It may not be what you want to hear, but you should be honest with your fiancé. He deserves to know that there are problems in the relationship and discussing the matter with him may help clarify how you feel about the situation. He really deserves to hear from you that B is around and in the picture, before another person tells him. These things do have a habit of coming out when you don't want them to.

It may not seem fair to you, but you need to back off from both men until you get your head on straight. Trying to 'be' with either one of them is going to keep the confusion going.

As for why you have these feelings, you are going through a life altering event, you are scared, B was/is out of line for telling you how he feels while knowing that you are in a relationship, the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence, relationships are hard work and B reminds you of simpler times (in their own way), A is always there now and familiar, A is no longer an unknown and is settled into your life, B is unknown and not so familiar as to be taken for granted, B is a fantasy, A is a day-to-day reality, reality for some equals boring. Any of those come close?

It may be that you aren't meant to be with either one of them. That you have been holding on to A as a mate because you are afraid of trying to start a totally new relationship.

[sad_ness25]

Thank you both for answering. The A-B thing are the names, no order of preference, not intentionally anyway. I appreciate your answers, I truly do. The interpreter was really like a secret keeper, as this computer webpage is, she just helped me as a friend and heard me out with my feelings/thoughts.

[Cat1864]

This is a great place to get honest advice that we don't always want to hear (or read). I hope you stick around because there will be more posters with other opinions.

Bottom line though will always be that you have to do what is right for you. Cliché, I know. "What is right for you" isn't necessarily what you want or desire, but what you know you need to do. If you feel torn and conflicted about your feelings, it will show in how you deal with others especially A and B. Trying to hide an internal conflict can cause external ones that only add more confusion and pain.

May I offer my condolences on the loss of your friend? If you feel like you want to talk about her and her passing, may I suggest reading the Bereavement Forum? I am slightly concerned that part of your feelings for B may be tied up in him being a way to hold on to your friend.

[dustdevil]

Grass always seems greener on the other side.

I think we tend to remember the best things about a person (I think fondly of all my ex's even if they were terrible for me)

People want what they can't have. It'll seem like sunshine and flowers for a few days, and then devolve into some middle ground.

I think these 'fantasies' about other people end up hitting a rock bottom somewhere, and then you settle back into reality. If you hang out with B, it's going to be a slippery slope. I'd tell A so you can hit that rock bottom sooner and get pushed back into reality before you do something you regret.

[Gemini54]

What's really at issue here is neither Mr A or Mr B.

It's commitment. You aren't ready for it.

If you were ready for commitment, you wouldn't be in this quandary. Really what you're afraid of is making a mistake - 'if I marry A will I want B for the rest of my life?' The answer is - probably yes. But if you married B you would also be wondering about A for the rest of your life.

You aren't with either guy for the right reasons.

Time to come clean with A and to tell B to back off. There are too many people here that risk being hurt if a marriage proceeds. Marriage is a serious commitment.

I agree with Dustdevil. You'll regret it if you go ahead.

[talaniman]

Leave them both alone, and marry no one. That's what you do when you can't chose between two guys. A mature person thinks long and hard when such a big decision has to be made.

Marriage is a huge life changing event.