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doorman01 · Nov 2, 2009, 08:22 AM

I have been with my girlfriend for about four month now. I have falling madly in love with her, She and her 2 year old son live with me now. When we first got together the sex was amazing, by far the best I had ever had! We would have sex 2 and 3 times a day. Now that she lives with me she is never in the mood. I do everything for her I clean, take care of her son wile she is at work, cook, do all the house work. I try to make her feel as loved as I can. Itell her every day how much I love her. I try to tell her how beautiful she is and its like she gets angry because she doesn't believe that she is,( but I do). She doesn't like for me to iniciate sex she says that it's a big turn off for her and makes her want it even less. She says that I am a pervert, when I tell her that she looks very good in tight fitting pear of jeans. She has told me in the past that sex is nothing but a tool to her(so she can get off). Sex is a big deal to me, like most me I guess. But I don't see why I have to adhear to all of her wants and needs when none of mine get meet. She doesn't want me to hang all over her, she don't want me to compliment her as I do, she wants me to help w/ house stuff ( witch I do it all). I guess I'm just tired of feeling bad for wanting to have sex with my girlfriend, and feeling bad for thinking my girlfriend is the most beauitful girl in the work, and finding her very sexually attractive. I just don't know what to do, She gave up a lot to move down were I live w/ me, So I'm pretty sure she loves me, I just don't know if she loves me in that way anymore. Its kind of like the bait and switch she gave me sex and lovy dovy stuff before she moved in and now that she is with me it like she don't have to do that stuff( lord nows I would never forse her to do anything she did not want. But sometimes even a man needs to be desired!

smoothy · Nov 2, 2009, 09:58 AM

I think she already warned you about this before when she said sex was a tool. That's not how the average person views it. But unfortunately all too many women use that ploy to get what they want... then oncwe the get it the legs slam shut like a bear trap.

She might be thinking first for a provider for her kid... and a lot less about a partner for herself as well.

First and foremost you do have to have a serious heart to heart talk with her... and be clear and honest... and avoid acusitory or harsh tones. Or seriously, and I do mean seriously reconsider the live together situation.

Four months honestly isn't much time to know someone as a friend much less fall in love with and particularly move in together with.

And it's a very real possibility that she doesn't think its all that she thought it would be either.

Cover your butt well here. I've known women that would get pregnant JUST to keep a guy to provide for them... Is she collecting child support from the kids father? If not there are bells and whistles and not just red flags flying here.

She very well might be manipulating the situation to get her way. Raising a kid as a single parent isn't easy if she was bearing the full cost alone. And money can be a wicked strong motivator. Even small ammounts when its more than you have.

A move into the trailer park is still a step up from an apartment in a bad part of town.

doorman01 · Nov 2, 2009, 10:11 AM

Yes she does get child support from the father. Its just a strange situation, It was probably to soon but I have fallen hard for her. Other than the sex thing it is great between us, we both like to do a lot of the same things we have fun when its just the two of us. She keeps saying that she is tired or something along those lines, but I work full time also and comehome clean the house, make sure the little boy is feed, give him a bath and so on. Also on the wired side of things the last time we did have sex she rolled over to me a said "make love to me". I am usually very good a reading people, but I think my heart has gotten in the way of my brain. I just don't want to make the wrong decision with this because she is a great woman, very good mother. We have talked about this on a few occations but it always ends up basically that my wants and needs don't matter.

smoothy · Nov 2, 2009, 11:03 AM

You are in lust with her... sex has a way of doing that with a guy... I'm a guy, trust me... been through that many times with many women before I got married and that one I dated 3 years first. Nope never moved in together before either with the wife, did it twice with others but was really more of a temporary stay than actually moving in together.

Its not your heart that's getting in the way of your brain... its the little dude in your shorts getting in the way of your brain. Remember... I'm a dude. I know exactly how strong that persuasion is.

As far as her, I'm tired excuse... wasn't she living alone before this (I assume) and wasn't tired then. Like I said... 4 months you are barley even starting to know each other... then you are living together. That's a really big jump there... and likely is seeing things she didn't want to see, wasn't expecting or whatever. That's what a honest non-accusatory talk should find out.

And trust me... most guys have done some really stupid things in pursuit of cooter over the years... and are going to in the future.

doorman01 · Nov 2, 2009, 11:31 AM

Then I guess ill just have to set down with her and see what she has to say.

doorman01 · Nov 2, 2009, 11:31 AM

Are there any ladies that would like to comment, and maybe throw out a few ideas?

Synnen · Nov 2, 2009, 11:58 AM

Oh, she's totally using you.

Doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, but if she WAS putting it out before you moved in together, and all of a sudden ISN'T, when you're doing at least your fair share of things---then I'm sure it's that she doesn't feel she needs to "catch" you anymore.

My guess is that you're both in your early 20s?

Unless something ELSE is going on --like... I'm in the middle of an audit at work, and my husband is carrying my share of the housework as well as my own, because I come home absolutely mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. We still cuddle and stuff, but my mind isn't in the game for sex right now, and without my MIND being there, there's no way my BODY is going to be there. Anyway, if nothing like THAT is going on to stress her out, then you're looking at how your future with her is going to be.

I suggest a counselor as a third party interpreter between the 2 of you. Unfortunately, 4 months is just not that long a relationship, and moving in together was probably premature--and has had a huge effect on the entire situation.

doorman01 · Nov 2, 2009, 12:05 PM

Very true, she says that she is stressed at times, with here living in a new place, new job, not many girlfriends, and other things. I guess I really can't place all the blame on her, but it just seems fishy to me I don't know. At night in bed I have notcied that she does want me to cuddle her more and she even laid her head down on me. And most of the time that is enough for me, but its been almost a month now since we had sex.

Synnen · Nov 2, 2009, 12:07 PM

I agree with Smoothy--you need to sit down together and have a rational, open, honest discussion about BOTH of your needs, and how they can be met without it being a "chore" for the other person.

smoothy · Nov 2, 2009, 12:36 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Oh, she's totally using you.

Doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, but if she WAS putting it out before you moved in together, and all of a sudden ISN'T, when you're doing at least your fair share of things---then I'm sure it's that she doesn't feel she needs to "catch" you anymore.

My guess is that you're both in your early 20s?

Unless something ELSE is going on --like...I'm in the middle of an audit at work, and my husband is carrying my share of teh housework as well as my own, because I come home absolutely mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. We still cuddle and stuff, but my mind isn't in the game for sex right now, and without my MIND being there, there's no way my BODY is gonna be there. Anyway, if nothign like THAT is going on to stress her out, then you're looking at how your future with her is going to be.

I suggest a counselor as a third party interpreter between the 2 of you. Unfortunately, 4 months is just not that long a relationship, and moving in together was probably premature--and has had a huge effect on the entire situation.

I saw that too (the her using him part), but wanted to hold back saying it until we had more info... and a counselor is a good idea... otherwize there is a strong likelihood each of you digs in your heels and nothing gets done.

doorman01 · Nov 2, 2009, 12:39 PM

We are both 28, any ideas how I should start the conversation?

smoothy · Nov 2, 2009, 12:56 PM

I'd talk to her when her son was in bed. It would be an akward converstation in front of a kid that's old enough to speak to you.

I'd start with "Can I talk to you about something thats been on my mind lately". Be honest... but also try to not lay it on her at the same time. Put her on the defensive and the conversation is over before it even starts.

doorman01 · Nov 3, 2009, 05:24 AM

Well, we talked last night after the boy went to bed. The short stiry is that she told me she is anxious or nervous when she thinks about it with me. I have no idea why and she could not give an answer as to why. She told me she needed time to figure it out.(even though I have already given her a month with no results)She told me that she hasent even wanted to play with herself, I told her good that she need not want to anyway, when she has the man that loves her anytime she wants. She got mad at that cause I told her I did not want her to do it, because she should want to share that with me. I asked why she could not do that one little thing for me. When I treat her like a queen and do everything for her. She told me why can't I stop wanting sex! I don't have real high expectations as far as sex goes but I don't think 3 or4 times a month is unreasonable, But she tells me she doesent know why we have to do it once a month. The conversation ended as it normaly does with her being tired and not wanting to talk about it anymore with nothing getting done. Im so confused, upset, angry, I feel like I have been betrayed. That I just don't know what to do. So I guess ill do as I always do(with woman) and let her walk all over me until I get so feed up that I tell her to leave

smoothy · Nov 3, 2009, 06:16 AM

Originally Posted by doorman01

Well, we talked last night after the boy went to bed. The short stiry is that she told me she is anxious or nervous when she thinks about it with me. I have no idea why and she could not give an answer as to why. She told me she needed time to figure it out.(even though I have already given her a month with no results)She told me that she hasent even wanted to play with herself, I told her good that she need not want to anyway, when she has the man that loves her anytime she wants. She got mad at that cause I told her I did not want her to do it, because she should want to share that with me. I asked why she could not do that one little thing for me. when I treat her like a queen and do everything for her. She told me why can't I stop wanting sex! i dont have real high expectations as far as sex goes but I dont think 3 or4 times a month is unreasonable, But she tells me she doesent know why we have to do it once a month. The conversation ended as it normaly does with her being tired and not wanting to talk about it anymore with nothing getting done. Im so confused, upset, angry, I feel like I have been betrayed. That I just dont know what to do. So i guess ill do as I always do(with woman) and let her walk all over me untill I get so feed up that I tell her to leave

You need to get her into counseling... as a couple. Maybe she has a depression thing going on or something else, but if she isn't willing to do something about it then I see no way for this relationship to go forward. If you wanted to be celibate then you don't need her living with you.

You are aware that depending on your local laws if you live together long enough then you legally have a common law marriage. And she has the rights to alimony and everything a regular wife would have. A good point to remember that many forget.

Cat1864 · Nov 3, 2009, 07:09 AM

Originally Posted by doorman01

Well, we talked last night after the boy went to bed. The short stiry is that she told me she is anxious or nervous when she thinks about it with me. I have no idea why and she could not give an answer as to why. She told me she needed time to figure it out.(even though I have already given her a month with no results)She told me that she hasent even wanted to play with herself, I told her good that she need not want to anyway, when she has the man that loves her anytime she wants. She got mad at that cause I told her I did not want her to do it, because she should want to share that with me. I asked why she could not do that one little thing for me. when I treat her like a queen and do everything for her. She told me why can't I stop wanting sex! i dont have real high expectations as far as sex goes but I dont think 3 or4 times a month is unreasonable, But she tells me she doesent know why we have to do it once a month. The conversation ended as it normaly does with her being tired and not wanting to talk about it anymore with nothing getting done. Im so confused, upset, angry, I feel like I have been betrayed. That I just dont know what to do. So i guess ill do as I always do(with woman) and let her walk all over me untill I get so feed up that I tell her to leave

This relationship is four months old. How long ago did she she move in with you? I am guessing about one month ago since you said that you have given it a month.

A red flag that she is stressed out is that she isn't thinking sexually right now, in any way. You think it is a good thing that she doesn't even have the desire to masturbate? That she should masturbate to please you or not do it because she has a male?

You need to remember that for most women sexual arousal begins in the brain. If we are stressed out about anything (including having sex) it is extremely difficult to think about 'giving it up'. She has a young son. She just moved to new place and has no friends close by to give her support that only a friend can. She started a new job that has new hours and requirements for her to get used to. Her mind is probably all over the place.

If she had moved in and wasn't working then you might say that she was using you. Did you move her in just to have a bed buddy?

I think you both would benefit from counseling. There are red flags waving for the way both of you seem to think about sex and relationships.

doorman01 · Nov 3, 2009, 07:09 AM

Very true never thought of that, I will try and see if we can do counsiling or something along those lines. The only thing that gets me is why she would say that she is all the sudden nervous or anxious about sex. I don't know if maybe she is testing me to see if I will stay true to her or what. But its really eating me up inside.

doorman01 · Nov 3, 2009, 07:16 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

This relationship is four months old. How long ago did she she move in with you? I am guessing about one month ago since you said that you have given it a month.

A red flag that she is stressed out is that she isn't thinking sexually right now, in any way. You think it is a good thing that she doesn't even have the desire to masturbate? That she should masturbate to please you or not do it because she has a male?

You need to remember that for most women sexual arousal begins in the brain. If we are stressed out about anything (including having sex) it is extremely difficult to think about 'giving it up'. She has a young son. She just moved to new place and has no friends close by to give her support that only a friend can. She started a new job that has new hours and requirements for her to get used to. Her mind is probably all over the place.

If she had moved in and wasn't working then you might say that she was using you. Did you move her in just to have a bed buddy?

I think you both would benefit from counseling. There are red flags waving for the way both of you seem to think about sex and relationships.

She has been living with me for about a month and a half now. I guess your right I never though of it that way. I guess ill just keep doing what I'm doing, by giving her the space she wants and not buggin her about sex. I really do love her she can be the sweetist woman I have ever meet. She likes most all the things I do, She work on trucks w/ me goes bowling with me. I guess I'm just being selfish about the whole thing and just need to give her time to adjust to the new atomsphere!

Cat1864 · Nov 3, 2009, 07:25 AM

Originally Posted by doorman01

Very true never thought of that, I will try and see if we can do counsiling or something along those lines. The only thing that gets me is why she would say that she is all the sudden nervous or anxious about sex. I dont know if maybe she is testing me to see if I will stay true to her or what. But its really eating me up inside.

It could be that she feels very vulnerable right now and not stable. For a lot of women, huge life changes can bring thoughts of what happens if I get pregnant (no form of birth control is 100% effective) and that can translate to anxiousness and nervousness about sex.

When you first got together she was okay where she was with her own place and had only her son to worry about, now, she is living under someone else's roof with an inherent fear of what happens if... She may not even realize those thoughts are there.

Counseling should help her get rid of past baggage and for both of you to understand where some of her fears are coming from.

doorman01 · Nov 3, 2009, 09:25 AM

Thanks "CAT"

sylvan_1998 · Nov 4, 2009, 09:00 AM

I think maybe you are too accessible for her. You are there all the time, you cater to all she needs, and you love her. She probably does not feel worthy.

This as I see it is all on her. You are great to be so attentive. But as said earlier, there were signs as in what she said about sex being a too.

If you decide to stay in this, and you do deserve better, then you might try just going out to a movie with out her, going somewhere where she just sits at home with 2 yo. She will probably jump your bones when you get back. It may take 4 outings for every jump.

I would suggest she and you get some counciling as she needs to know she is worthy of someone like you and to trust you are not just there to hurt her.

Just my two cents