[thistinks]

My ex and I dated for 5 years+. We are in our mid-20's and have lived together for a long time. She has been planning on leaving for job training about an hour away from us, where she would be able to come home on the weekends. About 3 weeks ago she told me at dinner that we needed to be on "seperation", for both of us to work on ourselves before we could be together as a again as a couple. I told her I respect her decision if its what she needs to be happy, and that I would still be here for her. Our plan was for her to come home on weekends/holidays, and that after job training she would stay living with me until she worked enough to buy her own car and move out. Right after the separation, I did some web surfing and realized she has been in contact with another guy via email and chat. The guy showed obvious interest in her and I noticed some flirting back, so I asked her about the situation and she initially said that he was just a friend and that it wasn't my place to be asking either way. Well recently I have noticed that they were flirting on a higher level than she initially told me. I checked my phone records(she uses my old line) and it was clear they have been talking/texting very often basically every night. She has admitted to me that he is interested in her, but he is only a friend and she is keeping her options open. The extent of phone records led me to believe there was more to it than just a friend who flirts. Upon realizing this, I asked her to please be honest with me if she was "masking her feelings of this guy to me so that our friendship/relationship wouldnt be hurt?" Finally, after repeatedly insisting he is just a friend she said yea kind of. She has also been considering moving out of state... low and behold the same state as her "friend". Also, she has told her girlfriends that "nothing can ever take away the love her and I have for eachother".. whatever that truly means??

So Here is my problem. I am still deeply in love with her. I realize my faults in our relationship and want to work on them. Do I still support her financially while she works and saves for a car while living with me rent/bill free? Do I continue to pay for the cell phone that she is using to "keep her options open" as she puts it. Do I stay in the friend zone while she is in school and keep working on myself to see what way things turn? Do I do the immediate distance thing from her? (its kind of hard to tell her not to come here on weekends because we share two dogs together and I know she will miss them)Last but most important, Do I still fight for her love? If so, any suggestions/tactics I should be using?

I am trying very very hard to stay focused throughout this and make the correct decisions without raging off emotion. I want to do the right thing here and not act out of spite or jealousy. I don't want to say anything stupid that I will regret in the future that might negatively affect how we feel about each other. And I certainly don't want to hurt any chances of the possibility of reconnecting with her in the future.

One last thing... we went out to a strip club tonight just to have some drinks and maybe get some dances. My ex- picked out a gir for me to a dance from. During my 4th and final dance, my ex stormed in the champagne room and was very upset that I had more than one dance. She showed some signs of jealousy by saying I "gave the whore $80." Is this relevant to anything, and should her signs of jealousy affect how I behave in the midst of this "seperation." Should this affect any decision I make from here out... being that I am still in love with her?

Thanks for reading I hope I get a lot of honest opinions back.

[thistinks]

One more thing... the reason she was going to stay with me for support unti she could go on her own is that she has no real supportive family to help her. Just wanted to make that point. And we agreed on this situation BEFORE I realised ust how open her options were already.

[redhed35]

Why do you feel the need to support her?

She's a big girl now and wants to make her way in the world,and checking out other men!

Don't be a fool for her,you're an option in her life.. an option!

Start no contact,give her what she wants...

The jealously thing is perhaps she does not want you,but does not want anyone else to have you... of course she was going to get mad,you're her pay check and her fall back guy if things don't work out...

Again,go no contact,stop paying her bills and give her what she wants,pick up yourself respect and send her on her way.

[thistinks]

Your advice makes sense. I guess I feel the need to support her because I have always been there for her to help her. She was essentially homeless when I met her, moving from relative to relative. Also, she really has nothing. No car no money nothing. She never really saved anything for herself cause we always just shared everything and I was the primary source of income. I suppose I feel like I am not being the best man I could be by not helping her. You know?

[redhed35]

I understand, but your not her parents... she is not your responsibility,she wants to go.

She is in contact with a man she is moving near to see more of. Let him take care of her.

You need to look after you,what if she does not come back,will you keep supporting her?

There comes a point where you have to decide if you want a relationship or play daddy,is that you?

The best man is the man who knows when to stop being a chump,and can save himself.

What if you meet someone else,someone who deserves you,how will you explian that you support your ex? That's not going to go down well.

Protect yourself now and future relationships.

Again I say,give her what she wants.. set her free to make her own way.

[thistinks]

I like your advice and I believe it would be unfair to me if she refused see why this situation would bother me. I agree with you, I just have to express to her that I am not being spiteful or bitter by pulling the help cord out. Ya know?

[redhed35]

Yes.

You don't have to be cruel.

Just explain that you understand she needs to find herself,and you wish her the best,no hard feelings,but at the same time you feel that you also could use the time to pursue others activities.. agree on no contact,and cut off the money train,really its time she learned to look after herself,and your not doing her any favours,picking up the tab all the time.

Or words to that effect..

Don't let it be a long drawn out conversation..

Be firm.and don't make promises you can't or don't want to keep.

[thistinks]

Thanks for the advice. Anyone else have a different take on my situation or any words that might help me get through this? Please comment

[LoveStruck31]

You've tried talking with her about it? Telling her that it's not morally correct for you to keep supporting her, in any way (except emergencies of course), because you do not want to be taken for a fool.
Because you have all the arguments, she doesn't. You are being the nice guy and she's not very nice.