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kiwilad · Oct 29, 2009, 02:31 AM

Hi there,

I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years now, and we've lived together for the last 4 years.
Before we lived together we'd have sex once every couple of weeks which was good, and when we moved in together it was much more regular - at least twice a week. However for the last 12 months it has stopped. I tried talking to her about this and she brushed me off and made me feel like I was a sick pervert. We are not even 30 and as far as I am aware she is healthy, and has had no history of sexual abuse. It just stopped one day. I was almost ready to propose to her but now I am having second thoughts. If this is what marriage is going to be like I'd rather be single.

Synnen · Oct 29, 2009, 05:19 AM

Has there been a life changing event in the last year? Death in the family, birth of a child, loss of a job, etc?

What about medical problems?

kiwilad · Oct 29, 2009, 05:28 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Has there been a life changing event in the last year? Death in the family, birth of a child, loss of a job, etc?

What about medical problems?

Yeah, I lost my job in the economic downturn. It's a bit of a kick in the guts in that's the reason she's not interested in sex with me!

Fr_Chuck · Oct 29, 2009, 05:30 AM

You need to talk over what is important to each of you, in the end is she trying to rewrad you with sex if you perhaps find another job ?

kiwilad · Oct 29, 2009, 05:42 AM

I do need to talk to her, but it's so hard to approach her on this. Perhaps subconsciously she is doing this to reward/punish me. If this is the case I think it's pretty rough. She went through an extended period of unemployment a few years ago that resulted in mild depression and I stuck by her, gave her whatever she asked for / needed including a trip to Paris.

Synnen · Oct 29, 2009, 08:07 AM

I'm not saying that it's your fault. I'm just saying that stress is a libido killer. Period.

If I'm worried about how the bills are going to get paid, the LAST thing I'm interested in is sex. Same if I'm worried about my job, or my family, my health, whatever.

It's not that she's punishing you for not having a job--but you not having a job, and the stress with making ends meet, probably has a lot to do with it.

You NEED to talk to her. I'm of the opinion that if you can't TALK about your sex life with someone, then you probably shouldn't be having sex. Why not start with telling her how YOU feel, and ask her (and then LISTEN) to how SHE feels.

A doctor's visit may be in order, but it's probably more along the lines of lack of communication between the two of you on this.

doorman01 · Nov 2, 2009, 08:31 AM

Not really ananswere but my girlfriend does the same thing to me, by calling me pervert. From something as unasuming as telling her that she looks very sexy in the new pair of painties and bra she just bought. I just don't get it. I feel your pain myfriend I hope everything work out for you and her.

samba101 · Nov 4, 2009, 01:01 AM

I'd think carefully if you want to marry her, from your experience if you've gone 12 months without sex then it looks like she no longer wants to carry on a sexual relationship with you.

If you can handle no sex then that's fine but I've seen countless posts where men are refused this on a regular basis. Sometimes because of this cracks start to develop in the relationship.

smoothy · Nov 4, 2009, 06:20 AM

You are only a couple years from oweing her half of what you have and earn as a common law wife (at least in the USA).

Better think long and hard because in a few more years it might get really expensive for you. And find out about common law marriage where you live. It may vary from state to state. Don't know at all how it works outside of the USA.

10 years or not... it might be time to cut your losses and move on if she refuses to address these issues. And you better not even think about proposing until they are long behind her.

nbarone · Mar 11, 2010, 04:00 PM

Well, as much as I know this may hurt, it would not be a strait answer in another way, before you lived together you had sex every 2 weeks, when you started living together it changed to 2 times per week, and now nothing, tell me, is she healthy? did you losing the job made her loose her libido? as I wrote at the start, this is going to hurt, but perhaps you should consider the possibility of her not loving you any more or the worst one, a lover. Any way she is not as much as you may lover her the woman for you, because sex is an extremely important part of a couple and if you are thinking of becoming one consider this, what will happen when you have children and the bills start building up? if you can't talk to her now, what will you do tomorrow?