I am gay and need to come out to some one

slek123 · Oct 28, 2009, 02:41 PM

I am gay and I am 18 years old. I have known for ages and I don't want to come out to my friends and family. When I was younger, although I knew that I was gay I still went out with boys to be certain and to cover up. But when I got older and I knew I was certain I stop dating boys and since then I haven't been with anyone and I'm pretty lonely. Not only because I haven't been with anyone but I have no one to talk to about it either. I don't want to come out to my friends or family but I want to come out to someone and I don't want to be so lonely. Please does some one know what to do?

Ren6 · Oct 28, 2009, 03:44 PM

Originally Posted by slek123

I am gay and I am 18 years old. I have known for ages and I don't want to come out to my friends and family. When I was younger, although I knew that I was gay I still went out with boys to be certain and to cover up. But when I got older and I knew I was certain I stop dating boys and since then I haven't been with anyone and im pretty lonely. Not only coz I havent been with anyone but I have no one to talk to about it either. I dont want to come out to my friends or family but I want to come out to someone and I don't want to be so lonely. Please does some one know wot to do?

Hi there;
Are you in a town with a University? Often they have coming out/support groups for young adults. This might be a good way to come out and meet others going through the same situation as you. This is how I first came out.

slek123 · Oct 28, 2009, 04:00 PM

Originally Posted by Ren6

Hi there;
Are you in a town with a University? Often they have coming out/support groups for young adults. This might be a good way to come out and meet others going through the same situation as you. This is how I first came out.

Thanks, I will look into that and if I have the courage I will go to one

slek123 · Oct 28, 2009, 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by slek123

thanx, I will look into that and if i have the courage i will go to one

Actually, I was hoping to find or speak to someone online first.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 28, 2009, 05:38 PM

If your best friend can not be told, are they really good friends

Clough · Oct 28, 2009, 09:29 PM

Hi, slek123!

Do you think that you're lonely because you're gay or because of other reasons, please?

Thanks!

Jake2008 · Oct 28, 2009, 10:04 PM

Slek, it isn't going to be easy for you to tell your family and friends, but I do think it won't be as hard as you may think it will be.

Ren is right on the money suggesting support groups at your school. Any mental health centre will have counsellors available as well. You need to know that you are not alone, and also to gain the confidence you need to live your life without this being a secret.

There is a rich, rewarding life for you when you free yourself of this burden of silence.

Maybe you are so lonely because you don't fit in with your straight friends, and you haven't established bonds with any gay friends, and you aren't living as free as you could be.

Please seek out the advice of others who have been where you are now. The longer you wait to help yourself, the longer you will be lonely.

slek123 · Oct 29, 2009, 04:29 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

If your best freind can not be told, are they really good friends

Its not that I can't tell them I just don't want to yet

slek123 · Oct 29, 2009, 04:43 AM

Originally Posted by Clough

Hi, slek123!

Do you think that you're lonely because you're gay or because of other reasons, please?

Thanks!

I think I feel lonely because there is no one to talk to about it.
Even little things like when I'm out with my friends and a guy goes past and they say he's "well fit", sometimes I want to say something about a girl but know I can't.

slek123 · Oct 29, 2009, 05:30 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Slek, it isn't going to be easy for you to tell your family and friends, but I do think it won't be as hard as you may think it will be.

Ren is right on the money suggesting support groups at your school. Any mental health centre will have counsellors available as well. You need to know that you are not alone, and also to gain the confidence you need to live your life without this being a secret.

There is a rich, rewarding life for you when you free yourself of this burden of silence.

Maybe you are so lonely because you don't fit in with your straight friends, and you haven't established bonds with any gay friends, and you aren't living as free as you could be.

Please seek out the advice of others who have been where you are now. The longer you wait to help yourself, the longer you will be lonely.

Thank you, the thing is I want to come out and Im certain that I'm gay but don't want to come out to my friends and family until I've been with someone and I know that's it's not a phase, I really believe its not a phase but if it is... well all this would have been nothing and I would just feel really silly. But then I think if I don't come out then no one will know so it will be harder for me to find someone.

I think I'm lonely more to do with the fact that you say I haven't established bonds with any gay friends, My neighbours are gay and they are extremely nice people, I love talking to them and everyday I think about telling them. And when I do hopefully I will find support through them, because I think these support groups sound really good but I know that I wouldn't go by myself.

Cat1864 · Oct 29, 2009, 07:49 AM

I am going to go out on limb and say that I don't think you are necessarily lonely because because of not having 'gay' friends, but because you don't feel comfortable being who you are around any of your friends, family, and neighbors.

I think you will feel less alone if you start allowing yourself to behave the way you feel is appropriate for you. You don't have to come out all at once. Make comments about girls you find cute. Let people guess. I think you may be fearing that they already are.

Allow yourself to you. Don't try to label who you feel you are. Labels can be limiting. Why limit yourself? Suppressing part of your nature is not healthy for your self-image.

If you feel comfortable with your neighbors, talk to them. More than likely they have already figured it out, but are being respectful of your feelings.

Jake2008 · Oct 29, 2009, 09:04 AM

Thank you, the thing is I want to come out and Im certain that I'm gay but don't want to come out to my friends and family until I've been with someone and I know that's it's not a phase, I really believe its not a phase but if it is

I think I understand where you are coming from. If you do come out and announce you are gay, then you are faced with a huge unknown, because you have not lived as a gay man. You are certain that you are, but are uncertain if you will be any more comfortable being a gay man, than you are a straight man to the world.

You will essentially be changing (to those that know you) who they thought you were, with who you have become. But, because you are gay, does not change the person you are. You are still faced with all the same challenges in relationships, acceptance (they don't have to like you simply because you are gay), and life with both gay, and straight people.

Being gay, will not essentially change the person that you are. What you will be doing however, is to allow yourself to be true and honest with yourself. You may find a certain level of relief, and a lot less anxiety, when who you are is no longer a problem.

How you live your life, will determine far more important things like character, honesty, trustworthiness etc. which are all of the things that will find you with other people of the same characteristics and traits- gay or straight.

I went back to school a few years ago to update my education, and one day out of the blue, one of my classmates and another friend caught up to me in the parking lot. He looked a little scared! Then he blurted out, "I'm gay", and I congratulated him and gave him a super big hug. He had gone to counselling at the school, and at that particular college there was a gay association. They were highly involved in fund raising, dances etc. for the gay population in the school. He had gone to them for advice when he found at one point he was suicidal from living his life a secret.

You really need to seek out a gay organization who's members have been where you are now. Confused. Their counsellors are not in the business of turning people gay! But, they are in the business of helping you understand that what you are going through is not unusual, nor is it something that should feel threatening to you. I think you will feel much better to have a one on one conversation with a gay counsellor who can help alleviate your fears.

slek123 · Oct 29, 2009, 02:18 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I am going to go out on limb and say that I don't think you are necessarily lonely because because of not having 'gay' friends, but because you don't feel comfortable being who you are around any of your friends, family, and neighbors.

I think you will feel less alone if you start allowing yourself to behave the way you feel is appropriate for you. You don't have to come out all at once. Make comments about girls you find cute. Let people guess. I think you may be fearing that they already are.

Allow yourself to you. Don't try to label who you feel you are. Labels can be limiting. Why limit yourself? Suppressing part of your nature is not healthy for your self-image.

If you feel comfortable with your neighbors, talk to them. More than likely they have already figured it out, but are being respectful of your feelings.

Thank you

slek123 · Oct 29, 2009, 02:27 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I think I understand where you are coming from. If you do come out and announce you are gay, then you are faced with a huge unknown, because you have not lived as a gay man. You are certain that you are, but are uncertain if you will be any more comfortable being a gay man, than you are a straight man to the world.

You will essentially be changing (to those that know you) who they thought you were, with who you have become. But, because you are gay, does not change the person you are. You are still faced with all the same challenges in relationships, acceptance (they don't have to like you simply because you are gay), and life with both gay, and straight people.

Being gay, will not essentially change the person that you are. What you will be doing however, is to allow yourself to be true and honest with yourself. You may find a certain level of relief, and a lot less anxiety, when who you are is no longer a problem.

How you live your life, will determine far more important things like character, honesty, trustworthiness etc., which are all of the things that will find you with other people of the same characteristics and traits- gay or straight.

I went back to school a few years ago to update my education, and one day out of the blue, one of my classmates and another friend caught up to me in the parking lot. He looked a little scared! Then he blurted out, "I'm gay", and I congratulated him and gave him a super big hug. He had gone to counselling at the school, and at that particular college there was a gay association. They were highly involved in fund raising, dances etc., for the gay population in the school. He had gone to them for advice when he found at one point he was suicidal from living his life a secret.

You really need to seek out a gay organization who's members have been where you are now. Confused. Their counsellors are not in the business of turning people gay!! But, they are in the business of helping you understand that what you are going through is not unusual, nor is it something that should feel threatening to you. I think you will feel much better to have a one on one conversation with a gay counsellor who can help alleviate your fears.

Thanks, I really appreciate that you're helping me.

slek123 · Oct 29, 2009, 02:29 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I am going to go out on limb and say that I don't think you are necessarily lonely because because of not having 'gay' friends, but because you don't feel comfortable being who you are around any of your friends, family, and neighbors.

I think you will feel less alone if you start allowing yourself to behave the way you feel is appropriate for you. You don't have to come out all at once. Make comments about girls you find cute. Let people guess. I think you may be fearing that they already are.

Allow yourself to you. Don't try to label who you feel you are. Labels can be limiting. Why limit yourself? Suppressing part of your nature is not healthy for your self-image.

If you feel comfortable with your neighbors, talk to them. More than likely they have already figured it out, but are being respectful of your feelings.

Thanks

smoothy · Oct 29, 2009, 04:56 PM

Not intending this to be mean spirited or anything. So don't think its meant that way. Just trying to be direct and to the point.

But a bit of advice... from a straight guy.

Most hetero people don't much give a hoot if you are gay or not... HOWEVER if you start throwing it in their faces like some (a small number) gay people think they have to do... then they are going to distance themselves from you.

Look at it this way... as a general rule... people aren't interested in your sexual preferences. (gay or straight).. as in... straight people (mature ones anyway) don't brag to each other what they did, who they did, and how they did it. Or even if what their preferences are. S&M, large women, basically anything that hints of specifics. At least after they achieve emotional if not physical maturity that's generally true. Boys brag about how many girls they slept with and what they did... MEN keep that to themselves.

Oh there are a few that on a general principle will have issues with even the concept (easy to tell and avoid them anyway)... why the need to advertise to the world anyway? I mean there are things I preffer... but those are between me and whomever I'd be doing it with. And if I was pushing THAT on others they would be understandibly not happy with it.

Date who you want... IF the question comes up with others, respond honestly... then stop. You don't have to lie about anything, but don't make a big deal out of it either (go into great detail).

Do that and you will fit in with everyone gay bi or straight (well MOST straight people anyway) . AND you can be happy being who you are.

Once you are past adolescence nobody really cares about your sexual exploits, gay or straight. People look at those who bring them up publicly no so kindly. They believe that those topics are private between partners, regardless of prefference. None of the gay friends I have ever feel a need to go into detail. OR incessantly remind everyone around them. OR the straight people either for that matter.

Just one guys opinion... nothing more.

Ren6 · Oct 29, 2009, 07:07 PM

Originally Posted by smoothy

Not intending this to be mean spirited or anything. So don't think its meant that way. Just trying to be direct and to the point.

But a bit of advice.....from a straight guy.

Most hetero people don't much give a hoot if you are gay or not....HOWEVER if you start throwing it in their faces like some (a small number) gay people think they have to do....then they are going to distance themselves from you.

Look at it this way...as a general rule...people aren't interested in your sexual preferences. (gay or straight)..as in...straight people (mature ones anyway) don't brag to each other what they did, who they did, and how they did it. Or even if what their preferences are. S&M, large women, basicly anything that hints of specifics. At least after they achieve emotional if not physical maturity thats generally true. Boys brag about how many girls they slept with and what they did...MEN keep that to themselves.

Oh there are a few that on a general principle will have issues with even the concept (easy to tell and avoid them anyway)...why the need to advertise to the world anyway? I mean there are things I preffer...but those are between me and whomever I'd be doing it with. And if I was pushing THAT on others they would be understandibly not happy with it.

Date who you want....IF the question comes up with others, respond honestly...then stop. You don't have to lie about anything, but don't make a big deal out of it either (go into great detail).

Do that and you will fit in with everyone gay bi or straight (well MOST straight people anyway) . AND you can be happy being who you are.

Once you are past adolescence nobody really cares about your sexual exploits, gay or straight. People look at those who bring them up publically no so kindly. They believe that those topics are private between partners, irregardless of prefference. None of the gay friends I have ever feel a need to go into detail. OR incessantly remind everyone around them. OR the straight people either for that matter.

Just one guys opinion.....nothing more.

This person feels that gays are immoral. Please take his advice with a grain (or two) of salt. Straight people throw their lifestyles in our face every day.

smoothy · Oct 30, 2009, 05:46 AM

Originally Posted by Ren6

This person feels that gays are immoral. Please take his advice with a grain (or two) of salt. Straight people throw their lifestyles in our face every day.

How about keeping YOUR opinions to yourself if you are incapible of expressing them without making a personal attack on someone else. Its gays with YOUR attitude that CAUSE the problems YOU complain about. Actions have consequences... you are not immune from then JUST because you want to be a protected class just as they are for every other person on the planet that still breaths.

Do we have Hetero Pride Parades with public lewdness? NO. Then why do you think YOU have the right to force your attitudes in our and our children's faces.

Why do you think YOU have the right to act like whatever you like to do is a matter for public advertisement? I'd like to have 4 somes with a busty blonde, brunette and redhead... but do I need or even have a right to push it in the face of any and everyone that crosses my path? NOT AT ALL.

No you do not have the right to incessantly throw it in our faces... so you are gay... fine, big deal. If someone asks, tell them, and end of story. You aren't running a campaign to be elected for it. Just like the person with a fetish for rather reubenesque women. That's their own personal business. Not that of the entire world.

Your sexual exploits or orientation are not for public consumption... irregardless of your orientation. You didn't just cure cancer or the common cold. THAT would be something worthy of bragging about, nothing else is.

But if you like being ostracized, by all means continue being obnoxious about personal business.

Bragging is the most quick way to get there... straight, bi or gay. Nobody likes a braggart.

People like other people that are honest, kind and not obnoxious or trying to push something on them. I will state that most gays I have met fit that category. I have nothing to do with the people that feel they have to make a big deal out of it... nor do I with straight people that feel some need to pass on their latest exploits.

Curlyben · Oct 30, 2009, 05:59 AM

Originally Posted by Ren6

This person feels that gays are immoral. Please take his advice with a grain (or two) of salt. Straight people throw their lifestyles in our face every day.

Smoothy said NOTHING of the sort.
I suggest that you re-read EXACTLY what was said and stop trying to find some "hidden agenda" as there isn't one at all!

Synnen · Oct 30, 2009, 06:38 AM

At the same time, Smoothy---I seem to remember being out with friends and pointing out cute members of the opposite sex and giggling at 18. THAT is normal behaviour for heteros---why wouldn't it be normal for homos as well?

It comes down to this: if your friends are REALLY your friends, they won't CARE that you are gay. If they have a huge problem with you being yourself--including the fact that you're gay--then they're not really your friends, and aren't worth your time anyway.